NCIS Quotes Season 3This is a featured page

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Episode 3.1 "Kill Ari Part 1"
McGee: You were my sweet superhero, Kate.
Kate: [Kate appears dressed like Trinity from "The Matrix"] You're a naughty boy, Timmy.
McGee: Oh my God, I'm becoming Tony.

Gibbs: Sniping Abby means he's after my people, women first!

Jenny: Jethro... I know it has been a difficult day for both of us...
Gibbs: That's what my DI used to say. Never believed him.

Tony: I don't want you to get pissed...
Gibbs: I thought you wanted me pissed.
Tony: I did...It was kind-of weird when you were being nice, not that your not nice... I mean, ah...

(McGee was just having the vision of Kate in the revealing cop outfit)
McGee: Oh wow!
(Abby walks in)
Abby: 'Wow' what, McGee?
McGee: Ah… I… um… I… I… I…
Abby: Stop 'ah, um-ing' McGee. Spit it out!

Kate: Your mother should have washed your mind out with soap. Gibbs leaves with a woman, and your only thought is 'nooner'.
Tony: Was not.
Kate: Was to. I've always known what you were thinking Tony. What? What are you up to. Eek! Tony! I just died, and you're having a sexual fantasy?
Tony: Can't help it.
Kate: DiNozzo!
Tony: Sometimes I used to picture you naked.
Kate: Agh!

Ziva: She wasn't attractive?
Tony: She was... but not to me...
Ziva: Then why did you imagine her naked?

Gibbs: You were a d*** good agent, especially under cover. [Nods]
(Jenny smiles)
Jenny: Jethro.
Gibbs: Madame Director. (Both nod)

Jenny: Special Agent Gibbs! [He comes back up the stairs to stand in front of her] On the job, it is Director Shepard or ma'am.
Gibbs: OK, what about off the job?
Jenny: There won't be any 'off the job' Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: That's too bad... I missed you Jen.
Jenny: Don't make this difficult Jethro.
Gibbs: Fair enough. Won't happen again. Director?
Jenny: We can continue this conversation in private.

Jenny: This the same boat you were building six years ago?
Gibbs: Nope.
Jenny: What happened to it?
Gibbs: Burned her.
Jenny: Why would named it after an ex-wife.
Gibbs: Let's go.
Jenny: Which one?
Gibbs: You know **** well which one.
Jenny: Why didn't you just change the name?
Gibbs: Because it wouldn't matter. Every time I went out on her I'd think of Diane.
Jenny: You could have sold it.
Gibbs: And watch some other guy sail off on her?
Jenny: You didn't care who sailed off on Diane. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. You are a strange man.

Gibbs: Wait. You won't call a boat a she, but it's 'sister agencies'?
Jenny: I'm a Schizoid Libber. Comes from working with chauvinists like you.
Gibbs: I can't believe you would give up field work for rubber chicken dinners.
Jenny: I don't think they serve that dish at Palena.
Gibbs: Never heard of it.
Jenny: Why would you, it isn't takeout.
Gibbs: So which of the tight sphincters is taking you out to dinner? Please, tell me it's not Fornell.
Jenny: CBS Early Show.
Gibbs: I won't be bringing him in.
Morrow: Anyway, you're not my problem anymore, Jethro.
Gibbs: You fireing me, sir?
Morrow: I have been offered a deputy director's postion at Homeland Security.
Gibbs: You'd leave NCIS, sir?
Morrow: The agency could use some younger blood.
Gibbs: Well, who would be replacing you, sir?
(Morrow looks at him)
Gibbs: Not me!
Morrow: No.....As much as I like you, Jethro, I would not shoot NCIS in the head.

(Abby is digging around the car trunk, looking for bullets)
Abby: Hey, McGee, take a look at this! I think it's a three-oh-eight.
(McGees comes up behind her and starts looking at her butt)
Abby: Stop staring at my butt and get me an evidence jar!

Tony: If Ziva leads me to Ari?
Gibbs: Shadow him and call me.
Tony: So you can bring him in?
Gibbs: Yeah, so I can bring him autopsy.
Episode 3.2 "Kill Ari Part 2"

Ari: Learn to trust, Gerald. I may have shot you in the shoulder, but I never lied to you.

What about your gut?"
Tony: It wants a pizza.

Abby (as McGee bends to try to see the numberplate of the van): It's not a dress McGee... you can't look up it to see what you want.

Ari (holding Gibbs' rifle) Looking for this, Jethro? I want you to know, I wish I hadn't had to shoot Caitlin.
Gibbs: Why did you?
Ari: To cause you pain.
Gibbs: I piss you off that much?
Ari: Not you, my father, you have the misfortune of reminding me of the bastard.
Gibbs: Ah, he didn't marry your mother.
Ari: That's what makes me a bastard, not him. From the moment of my birth, he groomed me to be one thing, his mole in Hamas. Sent me to Edinburgh to become a doctor so i could work in the Gaza camps along side my mother. When he had her killed I had no trouble joining the Izz ad-Din al-Qassam.
Gibbs: You don't really believe your father had your mother killed.
Ari: It was a retaliatory Israeli strike on the day I was in Tel Aviv. On the day I was visiting him. HE had his mole in Hamas. He never knew how much I hated him. I wish I could see his face when he realizes he created not a mole, but a monster. And you need to kill me, taste the sweetness of revenge.
Gibbs: I've killed enough men in my life. Its gonna be just sweet watching you die.
Ari: Sorry to spoil your..... (shot dead)
(Ziva walks down)
Gibbs: His father is the deputy director of Mossad?
Ziva: Yes.
Gibbs: Not David.
Ziva: Yes. He's my half-brother.

McGee: Bubba?
Abby: Best **** **** dog in all of Jefferson Parish.

Tony: Thanks for the pizza boss.
Gibbs: Thank the night shift... I swiped it from them.

Tony: What do I do if I see Ari?
Gibbs: Shadow him, and wait for me.
Tony: So you can bring him in?
Gibbs: Yeah so I can bring him Autopsy.

Tim: You want me to go with you boss?
Gibbs: No, Tony's out, stay with Abby.
Abby: (To Tim, about the 'no leaving the building' order) For nobody leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building!

Fornell: You smell like a wet dog
Gibbs: Well, there was one here underneath the bench when I got here. I put him in the gazebo
Fornell: Why aren’t you in the gazebo?
Gibbs: Dog smells like hell.
Fornell: So why didn’t you leave him under… never mind

Jenny: (answering the phone) Shepard.
Gibbs: I need a partner for the night. You up for it? Jen?
Jenny: Jethro, don't you know any other women?
Gibbs: None that I can call for backup. You didn't think I meant....
Jenny: That's what you have a whole team of agents for.
Gibbs: Well, McGee's on protection duty with Abby, DiNozzo's tailing Ziva, and I...
Jenny: DiNozzo's what?
Gibbs: He's tailing Ziva.
Jenny: Well where are you?
Gibbs: Outside!

Jenny: I can't believe this. I've been a director less than 24 hours and I'm back on the streets.
Gibbs: It's great, isn't it?
Jenny: No Jethro, it isn't.
Gibbs: Come on, come on, you love it.
Jenny: Truthfully, I'd rather be in bed. Sleeping.
Gibbs: Remember that stakeout in Marseilles. August. Stuck in that attic with no air. Photographing everyone who boarded that Lebanese trawler. That second night, that's the first time we....(Jenny puts a hand over his mouth)
Jenny: Um, OK. Shut up.

Ducky: Good grief, Jethro! Put that weapon down! I've had enough excitement for tonight.

Gibbs: We both can shut up.
Ziva: Espresso.Take it. It's not a bribe.
Tony: How long have you known I was......
Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy yard.
Tony: I don't think so.
Ziva: Blue sedan, you laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van.You lost me at the traffic circle.
Tony: Okay, okay.You knew.
Ziva: (offering him the coffee again) Take it. It's chilly out here.You shouldn't feel bad, I was trained by the best.
Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
Ziva: Our training?
Tony: Your modesty.
Ziva: (as Tony goes to throw away a pizza box) Um, there's a slice in there! (he gives it to her) Todah.
Tony: Prego.
Ziva:......I lost my little sister, Taili, in a Hamas sucide bombing.She was sixteen and the best of us.Tali had compassion.
Tony: I'm sorry.
Ziva: After Tali's death, I was like Gibbs.All I wanted was revenge.
Tony: Is that why you joined Mossad?
Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death.Old....
Tony: Family tradition.
Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
Tony: But come on.Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
Ziva: Aunt, sister, lesbian lover.
Tony: You're good.You almost got me off the question. Almost.
Ziva: I volunteered.....Laila tov.
Tony: Buonanotte.

Gibbs: From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Marines.
Abby: Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?
Gibbs: What is it, Abbs?
Abby: Can I please go back to my lab; I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.
Gibbs: Fine, but--
Abby: I know, no leaving the building! Bravo Yankee Echo.
Gibbs: If I ask you something, Tobias are you going to lie to me?
Fornell: Depends on the question.
Gibbs: What's Ari Haswari's real mission here?
Fornell: I'm going to lie to you.Mossad lies to the CIA, they lie to us, I lie to you.I don't know who you lie to, being the bottom of the food chain......And not married.

(McGee's in autopsy seeing Kate when Tony comes in behind him)
Tony: Told you she looked good. (to Kate) Probie wouldn't believe me, Kate.Thought you would look like teh Return of the Living Dead.
McGee: Did not.
Tony: Don't lie to the dead McGee......It's not nice.
McGee: I was a little afraid.
Tony: He was terrified.....but it took a lot of guts to come down here alone......showed how much he cared for you.....
McGee: I really did like you, Kate.

Tony: (gets in Gibbs' car) Ziva slipped a phony french passport and some cash (sniffs the air) to the ah (sniffs again) woman with the star of david I told you about.
(Gibbs hands Tony a pizza)
Tony: I love you, boss.
Gibbs: How do you know the passports are phony?
Tony: Ari's photo, but not his name.
Gibbs: What name is he using?
Tony: Don't you wanna know how I got it?
Gibbs: I assume you improvised like a good agent should!
Tony: Oh, what an improv, I swear I can get a gig on SNL.Okay, get this, I pretend like I am this real goofy guy trying to get......
Gibbs: Pretend?
Tony: That hurt boss.
Gibbs: What's the name?
Tony: Well....(takes bite of pizza)
Gibbs: (stops Tony) The name?
Tony: Rene Saurel. S.A.U.E.L.
Episode 3.3 "Mind Games"
Abby: You’re not listening to a word I’m saying. I’m pregnant, McGee. Twins. Haven’t told the father yet. It’s Gibbs. I know it’s wrong, but something about his silver hair just gets me all tingly inside
Tony: Excuse me for a second. I think I’m going to vomit
Abby: I’m joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs’ hair. That is really hot. McGee is ignoring me again
Tony: Easily fixable
(Tony hits McGee)
McGee: What?! What’d I do?

Tony: Stop ignoring Abby. She’s sensitive

Paula: Dating was tough.
Tony: Need any help with that now, Paula?
Paula: No, Tony. Thank you. I've been there and I've done that.

Tony: The pink ones, do they taste like Strawberry Starburst?

Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.
Tony: He's kinda dead.
Gibbs: Enjoy Hell.

McGee: Do we actually have knee pads Tony?
DiNozzo: I don't know Probie. Inventory is Kate's responsibility. Why don't you ask...

Tony(after Gibbs was mean to Cassidy): See it at the bright side.
Cassidy: Which bright side?
Tony: You're here only a week.

Gibbs: Next time you see Boone, he'll have a lightning bolt shooting out of his ass.

Ducky: Do you know the difference between good and bad cholesterol Tony?
Tony: No, but I'm guessing it has something to do with taste.

McGee (holding up Paula): She's more than a buck twenty.
Paula: (drops flashlight on McGee's head) Oh sorry!
McGee: You did that on purpose!

Ducky: Gibbs was a very different man 10 years ago.
Tony: You mean meaner?
Ducky: No, a lot like you, Tony!

McGee: Uh, you two might wanna get busy. Gibbs is headed this way and he looks pissed.
Paula: Think he caved to the Governor?
Tony: No way.
McGee: No way, if Gibbs doesn't want to do something he doesn't.
Tony: No matter who's asking. (Gibbs gets his gun and badge out and walks off) Where you going boss?
Gibbs: Sussex State Prison to interview Kyle Boone. Be gone the rest of the day.
Paula: Yep, you two sure have him pegged.
Tony: The difference between ten years ago and today, Ducky? We have Gibbs' back.
Ducky: There's another difference, Tony.Ten years ago, Gibbs was a very different man.
Tony: You mean he was actually meaner?
Ducky: No, quite the opposite.He was......he was was a lot like you.

Episode 3.4 "Silver War"
Gibbs: I trust you. You know that. But when we leave this elevator…
Ziva: You start kicking my butt.
Gibbs: (surprised) I don´t kick butt!

Ziva: ...I feel like a donkey's butt.
McGee: Donkey's butt?
Tony: I think she meant 'Horse's ass', McGee.
Ziva: Yes, that, too.

Ziva: I'm wondering why I have a 9 mm hole in my cap?
Gibbs: (Pause, then answers somewhat uncertainly) Ventilation.

Jen: Before we get into this, I need a refill.
(Gibbs flips the lid off her coffee cup and then pours some of his coffee into her cup)
Jen: Well that was sweet, not necessarily sanitary.

Ziva: You know what this reminds me of McGee?
McGee: Mossad case?
Ziva: No, the Harry Potter novel.
McGee: You read those too? (Ziva looks away) Yeah me either.

(Gibbs and Jenny watching Tony and Ziva from above squad room)
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.

Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... oh, wrong words... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with little spikies...
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Gibbs: Abs?
Abby: I look like a freak......Well?
Tony: Woah.
McGee: See, I don't think she really looks that bad.
Ziva: Is she making a reference to that strange tattoo on her neck?
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: One of the Director's new admin weenies brought me this last night. It's the NCIS dress code. She said I was in violation.
Gibbs: He did, did he?
Abby: I mean, it's bad enough that I have to wear a monkey suit for court appearances, but everyday?
Ziva: I think you look nice, Abby.
Abby: Nice? You think I look nice? I look
Tony: Career Girl Barbie.
Abby: Oh my God. I do. Ugh, I can't work like this Gibbs.
Gibbs: I'll take care of it Abs.
Abby: I'm allergic to polyester. It makes me itch. It's a medical condition. I could get a note from the doctor.
Gibbs: Abby, I said, I'll take care of it. (Abby hugs Bert, who farts).
Tony: (to Ziva) Don't ask.
Gibbs: Can we get back to work now?
Abby: Do I have to wear the shoes?

Tony: Ziva?
Ziva: Yes?
Tony: First of all, don't ever do that again. And second, what are you doing?
Ziva: I'm observing you Tony.
Tony: Any way you can do that in a less disturbing manner?

Ziva: A Marine dressed as a Civil War soldier shot by a musket, and then buried alive in a 140-year-old antique iron casket. And you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?
Tony: Yeah.
McGee: Pretty much.
Ziva: I don't know what I find more disturbing. Your eating habits or that fact I believe you.
Tony: I'm sorry, do our strange American foods frighten you?
Ziva: Haha, not at all. I was referring to your manners. You should have bought me one. (takes bite of Tony's burrito) Mmm....
McGee: Ah ha.
Tony: "Ah ha?"
McGee: I'm gonna go help Abby.

(Gibbs has a suspect on the ground cuffed, when Tony runs up out of breath)
Tony: Not bad, boss.I thought you were still behind me.Until you tackled him.
Gibbs: Not likely, DiNozzo.
(McGee runs up now, out of breath as well.)
Tony: What's his excuse?

Tony: (About Ziva) Remind me to never tick her off.
Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo.You have no idea.

Tony: (to himself) I hate mondays.I hate fat house all you can eat burrito shack.More like fat house bacteria shack.I should't have come into work today.Gibbs sees me like this....
Ziva: He would probably be as horrified as I am, Agent DiNozzo.
(Tony turns to look at her)
Ziva: Working undercover as a hobo?
Tony: Mind telling me what you're doing here again?
Ziva: Uuhhhh, waiting.
Tony: For what?
Ziva: To start work.Does everyone always come in this late?
Tony: It's 0700.
Ziva: In Mossad we start at 0500.
Tony: Okay, let me refrase the original question: 'what the heck are you doing here, Ziva?'
Ziva: I see, Gibbs didn't tell you.
Tony: Tell me what?
Ziva: Mossad has assigned me to NCIS as a Liason Officer.We're going to be working together.
Tony: Does Gibbs know about this?
Ziva: Do you think I would be here if he didn't?
(the both laugh)
Ziva: You might want to do something about your hiar.It's sticking up a porcuswine....wrong word, like a porcu.....pig.The little animal with the little spikey's, yes?
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee!

Jenny: Something I can help you with this morning, special agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yeah, I've got a personnel issue, you know anything about that?
Jenny: I take it Ziva arrived a few days early? Right. Before we get into this, I'm in a need of refill. (Gibbs takes her cup and fills it with coffee from his own)
Jenny: That was sweet. Not necessarily sanitary, but sweet.
Gibbs: What is she doing here, Jen?
Jenny: If we're going to fight a global war with terror, we need to be close to our allies.
Gibbs: That's good, put her to somebody else's team.
Jenny: I want her with you, Jethro.
Gibbs: Mossad trained her to spy and kill, not to investigate crime scenes. Send her to the CIA.
Jenny: Just to be clear. This is not a request or a debate, agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: Anything else you want to change about my team, while I'm here?
Jenny: Look, if anything, you're lucky to have her. She's one of the finest agents I have ever worked with in Europe.
Gibbs: Why didn't you ask me first, Jen?
Jenny: And what would you have said? Exactly. Number 18: "It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission".
Gibbs: Oh, that's really nice, using the rules I've taught you against me. Nice touch.
Jenny: I learned from the best, Jethro. I want Ziva to as well.

Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: (pulls out a magazine) GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
Ziva: (pulls out same magazine in Hebrew) I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: (checks his copy) I always thought that was an urban legend.
(Gibbs is walking down the stairs, balls up piece of paper and bounces it off Tony's head)

Ziva: C.W.R.?
Tony: Civil War Reenactors. Guys who get together, dress up in period costumes, reenacting famous battles.
Ziva: Why?
Tony: I've been asking my father that since I was ten years old.

Gibbs: You're coming along, strictly as an observer.Hand over all you weapons.
Ziva: Is that really necessay? (Gibb holds out his hand) Right. (gives him a gun)
Gibbs: And your backup.
Ziva: What backup?
Gibbs: Left leg.
Ziva: Oh.That one.(gives it to him)
Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist.
(hands knife to Gibbs, who hands it back)
Gibbs: (whispering) You can keep this.I just wanted you to know that I know.

Ziva: Who's the woman with Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah, once you're here long enough you'll figure it out.
Ziva: Is that his girlfriend?
Tony: I have no idea.
Ziva: You just told me....
Tony: Well, you'll figure out there are some things you don't ask about.

McGee: (after being pushed into a fountain by a theif) Gibbs is going to kill me!
Ziva: Look on the bright side, McGee. (he looks at her) I'm clean again.

Abby: McGee, sometimes I think I love you.

Ziva: Is there somewhere I can clean up?
Gibbs: Yeah.Sure.Tonight, when you go home.

Gibbs: And you.....keep observing.
Ziva: What exactly, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Anything, just do it quietly.
Ziva: (after Gibbs leaves) Now I know why he took away all my weapons.

McGee: (while Ziva is driving) Ziva! Car! Car! Car!

McGee: Abby, Ziva was amazing, I mean.....she's got a photographic memory.
Abby: Why don't you two just get a room, McGee?
McGee: think she likes me?
Abby: McGee, never forget.....I am one of the few people, in the world, who can kill you and leave no forensic evidence.

(after McGee sees Abby changeing)
Abby: See something you like, McGee?
McGee: No!.......I mean, yes?
Abby: Better.

Ducky: Have you ever spent an evening with a young lady and failed to remember it, Mr.Palmer?.....(looks at Palmer)......Ohhhh, what was I thinking.Of course not.
Palmer: But I wouldn't mind.....
Ducky: Well, it's not something to admired, Mr.Palmer.

How do you tell a woman you have no mental recolection of her what-so-ever?
Palmer: I suppose one could always lie.
Ducky: Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again?
Episode 3.5 "Switch"
Ziva: Is he always this juvenile?
McGee: Only on the days of the week ending in day.

Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?
Gibbs: About 50 of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could...
Gibbs: NO.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to...
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.

Ducky: I hope you brought more appropriate footwear, Mr. Palmer. The journey to our petty officer seems rather challenging.
Palmer: Don't worry, Doctor. I have a merit badge in hiking.
Ducky: I have a driver's license, Mr. Palmer. It doesn't mean I turn up at Indianapolis in my Morgan.

Abby: I have good news and I have bad news Gibbs, the good news is I'm still cute....

Tony: There was a charge on my credit card for a vintage barbie doll; career girl outfit?
McGee: Oh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
Tony: ...?!
McGee: I had a girlfirend who collected once. We used to- ...We'd line 'em up on the-
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word "pumps"...

Tony: That’s original, McGee. Is there any part of your brain that’s your own?
McGee: At least I have one, Tony.
Tony: What’s that supposed to mean?
McGee: Nothing.
Tony: We’re not going anywhere.
McGee: What, until I apologize?
Tony: No, not until you apologize. We’re in the wrong **** car.

Gibbs: McGee?!
McGee: Yo!
Gibbs: Sketch, get close enough without breaking your neck.
McGee: On it!
Gibbs: DiNozzo, photos! (pauses) Is there a problem?
Tony: Well, you didn't say anything about my neck. (Gibbs stares Tony down) Uh... I'll be careful.

Ziva: Hinky? What's hinky?
Tony: You know, like when your gut is telling you something.
Ziva: I see. In my country we refer to that as gas.

Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: I think she may have had it confused with go fly a kite.

Ziva: I'll drive, Tony.
Tony: No, no, no! Not gonna make that mistake again.
Ziva: Did you really think my driving was that terrible? Aside from the high speed and near misses?
Tony: Let's just say it's an acquired taste. Like regurgitated lunch.

Gibbs: I’d hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo
Abby: You wouldn’t. You would?
Gibbs: It won’t be on the head.

Tony: Oh, I love Hawaiian shirts"
Ziva: I’m not surprised
Tony: It’s a cultural experience you couldn’t appreciate. Isn’t that right, Probie?
McGee: I wouldn’t be caught dead in one"
Tony: (gasps) It can’t be!! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: It’s an authentic Magnum, P.I. Jungle Bird design. Hundred percent cotton, bamboo buttons, Made in Hawaii label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments
McGee: That’s great
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt. Putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. Zeus! Apollo! The TV show was big in the Eighties!

Ziva: His name is Max"
McGee: Oh, add a Snapple cap that said that the most popular name for a pet in the United States is Max
Tony: That’s funny, I thought it was Tim

Ziva: Keep what in his pants?
Tony: You're kidding right? (hums beat and claps)
Ziva: Dancing?
Tony: Yeah. Dancing.

Tony: Suck the gut in, Probie!

Ziva: (regarding Abby) She doesn’t like me, does she?
Gibbs: Eh…

(the team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony)
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.

Abby: Are you going home?
Ziva: Not yet.I thought I might be able to help you with (gestures to the box Abby's carrying) that.
Abby: Do you have a degree in forsensic science?
Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Abby: We'll see.

Tony: Look at the guy he's such a....
Ziva: Pimp.
Tony/McGee: Wimp.

(Gibbs and Ziva are in the elevator)
Ziva: You just hung up on director shepard.
Gibbs: Uh, huh.
Ziva: In my country, the offiver in charge is always....
(Gibbs stops the elevator)
Gibbs: In my country, in my team, working my cases, my people, don't by-pass chain of command.
Ziva: Which is....?
Gibbs: Me.We clear on that, Officer David.
Ziva: Crystal....Agent Gibbs.
(Gibbs turns elevator on, Ziva shuts it off)
Ziva: Except she called me.What would you have me do?
Gibbs: Smile.Talk about the weather.Tell her to call me.
Ziva: And if that doesn't work?
Gibbs: You're a smart girl.Think of something.
(again Gibbs turns it on, Ziva shuts it off)
Ziva: I am merely trying to do my job.
Gibbs: Your job is to follow my instructions.
Ziva: And I respect that.It is to much to ask for some in return?
(Gibbs turns elevator on)
Gibbs: No, it's not.
Ziva: So....that's it?
Gibbs: Mm hmm.
Ziva: Don't even get a slap on the head?
Gibbs: Don't push it.
Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of those rules I should be aware of?
Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they are written anywhere that I can.....
Gibbs: No.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to....
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.

Ziva: All of these people are in the military?
Tony: Yeah, the uniforms are kind of a dead giveaway.

(trying to decide who should go down a steep hill)
McGee: Well, as you've pointed out many times, I'm just a junior field agent.
Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, Probie.
McGee: How about I follow in your footsteps as you lead the way?
Tony: How about you kiss my exprienced buttocks.

Tony: He works in a supply office, who's he gonna asaddinate? Mr. Clean?
Episode 3.6 "The Voyeur's Web"
Gibbs (after Abby has watched hours of porn, searching for evidence) Learn anything?
Abby- I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be...

Tony: She's got a photographic memory Probie, not a social disorder.

Abby: Oldest you've ever been with?
Tony: 26, my dry cleaner....You have a stuffed animal that farts?
Abby: Yeah! Cool, huh?
Tony: Yeah... in a disturbing kinda way...

Gibbs- What have you got, Abs?
Abby- Umm.. A PhD in Porn!

McGee: Good news, boss. Naughty Naughty Neighbors has a webmaster
Gibbs Web what?
McGee: Webmaster. It’s a person that is hired to design and update the page. His name is Carter Finch
Tony: Is this guy like a Super Fly cyber pimp?
McGee: Not exactly

Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead. (To a group of cheerleaders) What's happening ladies?
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I've been in hundreds of these situations.
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either, does that make me a virgin?
Tony: Trust is a virtue that's earned, not given.
Ziva: (In a mocking tone) Profound!
Tony: I try.

Tony: Stop whining McGee, do what you do best.
McGee: What's that? Screw up?
Tony: No, finding answers when no-one else can.
(Tony walks away with Ziva)
Ziva: That was sweet of you!
Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.
Ziva: Don't you mean dog?
Tony: It means the same thing.

Abby: What's a matter, Chip? Don't like watching porn with me?

Chip: I really hate being called Chip...
Abby: I really hate that Ozzy got fat and stupid. Live with it.

Tony: I feel like I've just walked into page 8 of the IKEA catalogue...

Gibbs: The French wine in this particular region is terribly overrated.

Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
Tony: Didn’t you see the signs? It’s yard sale day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No, it’s actually when people gather stuff they don’t want anymore, and sell it in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anyone want to buy somebody else’s junk?
Tony: One man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
Ziva: In Israel, we have a saying. “Zevel Ze Zevel.”
[Tony and McGee look at her, confused]
Ziva: Crap is crap.
McGee: Girlfriend is always emailing me these internet videos.She sent me one of this room last week.
DiNozzo: Why do I find that hard to believe?
McGee: What, you never get forwarded weird videos to your email?
DiNozzo: All the time.I meant the part about you having a girlfriend.

Abby: What's the matter, Chip? Don't like watchin porn with me? Sorry I'm not one of the fellas, but I'm doing the bext I can.
Chip: I don't really watch explict material with my peers, ma'am, uh, Abby.Abby, I don't reall watch it at all.
Abby: Not buying it chip.
Chip: And why is that?
Abby: Two reasons.One, you're male and two, you're breathing.

Ziva: I've been meaning to ask you about that, Tony.How does a fifteen-year-old boy go about meeting a coquette?
McGee: She means rockette, boss.

Abby: (to Gibbs) If we investigated every weird video from the internet, well, you know......Ok,you don't know, but trust me.

Abby: Gibbs, I can't work like this anymore! (Abby has a fake knife and scares them by pretending to slit her throat)

(Tony holds up the nightgown he got for his girlfriend to show Ziva)
Tony: What do you think?
Gibbs: (walking in) It's not your color, DiNozzo.

The odds of finding him off a list of that size is....
Gibbs: Better than the odd of you winning this argument.

Ziva: It could take days to search this place.
Tony: Why don't you tell Gibbs that, he loves our input.

Ziva: Do you still have those reservations?
Tony: Mm....?
Ziva: My treat.
Tony: Okay (spins around hurredly)
Tony: I'll catch up!
(Goes to get a bag with...a risque nightgown in it)
Ziva: You will not be needing that!

Episode 3.7 "Honor Code"
Tony: My father left me in the Maui Hilton once for two days. He didn't even realize I was missing until he got the room service bill.
Ziva: Sad, but enlightening.

Tony: New hires just keep getting younger, eh, Madam Director?
Jenny: Obviously you didn't get the memo Agent DiNozzo.
Tony: What memo?
Ziva: The one where it explains the next person who calls her 'Madam' gets keel-hauled. Whatever that is.
Tony: It's, uh....
Jenny: Unpleasant.

Jenny: Always admired your way with children. Ever think of having any of your own?
Gibbs: It that an offer Jen?
Jenny: No, it wasn't an offer, Jethro, it was merely an observation.

Gibbs: Dinner at the White House?
Jenny: A date, actually.
Gibbs: Must be an important guy for you to get all decked out.
Jenny: I would prefer it if you would just say you liked my dress.
Gibbs: I haven't decided yet.

(In autopsy, Ziva has delivered a critique of an amateur killer's execution method and described her alternative choices for a more efficient kill: heroin, insulin or potassium. Ducky and Gibbs are astonished at her businesslike description of her preferred modes of killing, then Ducky's eyes light up.)
Ducky: I really must have you over for dinner. Mother would love to talk to you.

McGee: Have you ever considered the fact that Gibbs could be wrong this time?
Abby (gasps): "Ooh! McGee! Bite your tongue. Gibbs knows what he's doing, we just have to show him The Love.
Tony: We show him the love, Abby. We just don't want the bad guys to get away while we're doing it.

Ziva: The man is spick and Spam.
Tony: The saying is 'spick and span'. Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactly is 'span' then?
Tony: Span is.....I'll get back to you on that.

McGee: How many people owe you favors?
Ziva: How many dates does Tony go on a month.

Tony: Zach, hey. I’m Special Agent DiNozzo, you can call me Tony, okay? That’s a smart thing to do, calling NCIS. Good boy. All right, I know this is really scary, but I want you to be brave. Can you do that? Okay, I want you to think back to what happened today. Try to remember the details. There’s no wrong answer here.
Gibbs: What do we know?
Tony: Nothing. I think the kid’s in shock.
Zach: No, I’m not. I’m waiting for Agent DiNozzo to ask me a question.
Tony: (about Zach) Do you see the way he's been acting around me?
Ziva: I think it's because he doesn't like you, Tony.
Tony: Kids dig me.
Ziva: No they don't. (Tony scoffs)
Tony: Zach.Zacharoo, buddy.Come on over here, man.I was gonna wait until tomarrow when everyone was here but considering what a brave little boy you've been and how much you've helped us, I'm gonna make you an honorary NCIS agent.
Zach: Thanks.I've gotta go to the head.
Ziva: (laughs) Yes, Tony, I was mistaken.Your way with children is only rivaled by your way with women.
Tony: He's under a lot of stress.
Episode 3.8 "Under Covers"
Tony: Not bad, she says as she walks in from the outdoor patio past the fax machine and the mini-bar. Complimentary basket of fruit! This is a perfect way to spend a weekend! Come on, big-screen TV! (continues)

Ziva: Think they bought it?
Tony: I did
Ziva: That’s fairly obvious
Tony: For your information, that’s my knee.
Ziva: Whatever. You can get off me now.
Tony: It’s only been ten minutes. I have a reputation to protect.
Ziva: We not even sure if we’re under surveillance yet Tony.
Tony: You can’t be too careful when you’re under cover. Let’s give it another forty minutes just to be realistic!

(Ziva knees Tony in ... his sensitive masculine parts)
Tony: What was that for?
Ziva: Because that was definitely not your knee.

(Gibbs, Ducky and Jenny are discussing two corpses in autopsy)

Gibbs: Tony and Ziva have taken their room reservations at the Berkeley. They're there now, pretending to be these two, they're working blind, Duck.
Jenny: We're counting on you to fill them in on some of the more personal details of our couple.
Ducky: Though it may be common knowledge that I talk to my patients, unfortunately to date, none of them have ever answered me back.
Gibbs: Listen harder.

Tony: Sweetheart? You know what I could really use right now?
Ziva: Some deodorant?

Tony: (to Ziva) Oh wow! And to think, my mother thought I was too good for you!

(Tony's robe isn't covering everything)
Gibbs: Comfortable DiNozzo?
Tony: Well yeah. I’m working on it Boss why you ask.
Jenny: We’re looking at you Agent DiNozzo. All of you.

(Tony and Ziva are at dinner. They are in contact with the rest of the team through earwigs)
Ziva: This is nice, isn't it?
Tony: Yeah. (laughs) Quiet little dinner, just the six of us!

(In the restaurant)Tony: See anyone you know, Sweet Cheeks?
Ziva: Not yet. But the night’s just getting started, my little Hairy Butt.

Gibbs: Hey Abs, what have you got?
Abby: I have a whoopee and I have a but.
Gibbs: Abby!
Abby: Whoopee, I got a photo of the man that Tony and Ziva are going to assassinate...
Gibbs: (Impatiently) But?
Abby: But, I have no idea which of these 32 photos is him.
Jenny: Did you trace the call?
Gibbs: Gee... why didn't I think of that?
Jenny: Sorry Jethro. I'm a little tired.
Gibbs: Yeah well you never could pace yourself very well.
Jenny: I have one word for you Jethro.
Gibbs: Hmm?
Jenny: Positano.
Gibbs: Come on. That was a week after I took a bullet.
Jenny: Uh huh.
Gibbs: Hey. Nothing is gonna happen tonight. Tony and Ziva are hitting the rack, all the backup teams are in place around the hotel. Why don't you go grab 40 on the couch in your office?
Jenny: No. I just need a little coffee.
Gibbs: Yeah? When the caffeine jolt ends?
Jenny: I'll do what you do. Get a refill.
Gibbs: You're not me.
Jenny: Chauvinist.
Gibbs: Yeah, yeah. I guess. Goodnight Jen.

McGee: You're up?
Ziva: Since 05. He snores.
Tony: (Ziva pours water over his head to wake him up) I'm in position, Boss!

Tony: We should take you to see the doctor, Sweet Cheeks.
Ziva: Why?
Tony: Because you snore like a drunken sailor with emphysema.
Ziva: Look who's calling the pot black.
Tony: Kettle. The pot is calling the kettle black.

Tony: What do we got?
Ziva: Sneaky people.

Spivey: Trust me, I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
Maya: It's true...I've met his wife.
(Gibbs and Fornell discuss how to solve the case without the directors getting into a territory fight)
Fornell: The directors get to save face, and we...
Gibbs:...get the job done.
Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Gibbs: Only because they know us.
(Ziva walks into the room as Tony is talking to Maya pretending to be the maid.)
Ziva: I'm pregnant Tony.
Ziva: She wasn’t your type anyway.
Tony: Hot and in a maid’s outfit? They don’t get any more my type.
(About the pregnancy of Ziva's undercover character)

Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why do this job risking to lose the baby?
Ziva: Maybe she needed the money.
Tony: Yeah, kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap.

Ziva: What are you doing?

Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father!

Ziva: There is a big chance that this is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited

Ziva: Good plan... except from one thing.
Tony: What is that?
Ziva: As soon as I leave, they most likely put a bullet through your head.
Tony: Well... I didn't say the plan was perfect.

Abby: (about Tony) He always gives new people grief. He learned that from Gibbs.

Chip: Why don't you like Ziva?

Abby: Why do you think that I don't like her?
(Chip holds up a picture of Ziva that has clown drawings on her face; Hair, Nose, Lips and Eyebrows)
Abby: Oh.

Tony: I want a divorce.

Ducky: "How many times did he hit you?"
Tony: "I wasn't counting."
Ziva: "7 times."
Tony: "She was, of course."

Tony: All right... (Tony starts to stand up) Good night boss. (Tony starts to fall over. Abby and Ziva help steady him) All right... I'm good.. .

Ducky: I suggest a couple of aspirin.
(Ducky touches a cut above Tony's eye)
Tony: (In a high pitched squeal) Oww..
Ducky: Yes, and perhaps some scotch...
(Gibbs walks up)
Gibbs: I thought doctors weren't supposed to prescribe alcohol any more, Duck?
Ducky: Well it always seems to work for you.

Ziva: And I am driving you home. (Holds up Tony's keys)
Tony: Probie?!
McGee: Uh, Ziva, Actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
Ziva: Why is that?
Abby: Maybe he wants to live?
Jenny: My director side is telling me to flood that hotel with security and notify the FBI of a possible terrorist attack.My agent side, of I do that, we lose the chance to take down an enemy cell operating inside the capitol.They'll scatter.Of course, you'd stay the course, trust your people to get the job done.
Gibbs: You telling me what I'd do?
Jenny: Asking.
Gibbs: If I was director, I'd give my people another twenty-four.They can't get the job done, I'd notify the FBI.
Jenny: You'd really do that?
Gibbs: Nah, but that's why I'll never be director.

Gibbs: You're not the only one around here who knows how to play politics.
Jenny: (laughing) You're not serious.Your idea of polotics usually involves some form of physical violence.
Gibbs: Well, you know what they say, Jen.You can't make an omelette unless you break a few eggs.

Episode 3.9 "Frame Up"
Palmer: I'll bet Tony made some unseemly comment about these legs, didn't he?
Ducky: Why would he do that, Mr. Palmer?
Palmer: I just mean, uh, knowing Tony - They're fairly shapely legs, Doctor.
Ducky: Yes. Nobody had the bad taste to verbalize such a thought, though, until now.

[to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
I would never! ...Okay, I maybe I would, but! I didn't.

: Jethro, I know DiNozzo didn't do this, but I also know that it would be political suicide if we got caught investigating one of our own agents. Appearances matter Jethro. In this world, sometimes more than facts. It could ruin the agency. Look at Robert Novak and the CIA. You have a responsibility to your man. I know that. But I have a responsibility to the entire agency.
Gibbs: Jen.
Jenny: I'm not forgetting the time I stepped in it, and you covered my ass until I could get out of it, but that was alone, undercover, and in the field. Half of NCIS already knows about this. I know what you have to do Jethro, and I won't stop you. But officially, I am suspending you from investigating this further and I am turning it over to the FBI.
Gibbs: I know. One request.
Jenny: I'll see that Fornell runs the investigation. I always could read your mind.

Fornell: The DA is gonna see this as a heinous crime.
Gibbs: It is a heinous crime, Fornell. Tony, didn't do it.

Gibbs: Ass kissing on the hill is a skill
Jenny: So is castration.
Gibbs: I wear a cup.

Ziva: What do women try to achieve by cracking eggs on a man's car?
McGee: Most men love their cars, it's a way of saying "You broke my heart, I break yours."
Ziva: In Israel, we just shoot men who are untrue.

Tony: Someone's setting me up.
Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?
Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.
Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?
Tony: You see my dilemma.

McGee: Mike Macaluso.
Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.
Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.
Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?
Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.
Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

McGee: You know, maybe you should expand the list, just to include people that just hate you.
Tony: Hate me? Nobody hates me.
McGee: Paula Cassidy.
Tony: Don't go there. People like me. I'm a nice guy.
McGee: What about the, uh, woman who posted your picture on the herpes alert website?
Lieutenant Pam Kim.
Abby: She so went Fatal Attraction on you.
Tony: Boiled the bunny.
McGee: Oh, don't forget about Mrs. Dean.
Ziva: Another girlfriend?
McGee: No, she threatened to cut off his [gestures] when Tony put her husband away for murdering his first wife.
Ziva: Speaking about wives, what about your ex-girlfriend, Monica?
Tony: Well, I always break up with them when I find out they're married, Ziva.

Ziva: The personnel in the evidence garage!
Tony: What about 'em?
Ziva: They hate you.
McGee: She's right; you never wait your turn to check in evidence.
Ziva: And women don't appreciate being called "baggie bunnies."

Gibbs: Eight years. Three different forces.
Tony: That's a lot of names and people to remember, boss.
Gibbs: Ziva, take the women. McGee, you take the men. I'll pull case files of the ones DiNozzo put away who aren't on the list.
Tony: Wait a minute, you never do anything. [Gibbs dope-slaps him] 'Cause you're such a good delegator.

Sacks: Just run through your day.
Tony sits there looking thoughtful
Sacks: Out loud.
Tony: Oh! Right.

Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!
Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?

Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.
Tony: [as prosecutor] You do tend to date a lot, don't you, Mr. DiNozzo?
Tony: [laughing] Yeah. I do tend to date a lot, but where does it say that dating, you know, a new girl every week is a crime?
Tony: [as prosecutor] No, it's not. But it does speak to your deep-seated psychological problems and commitment issues.
Tony: Really? So you're saying my "intimacy issues" stem from my mother, who dressed me as a sailor until I was ten years old? Maybe!
Tony: [as prosecutor] Well, I guess it might explain why you objectify women and treat them as sexual objects. While you're being so forthright and insightful, Mr. DiNozzo... why did you sink your teeth into the victim's leg?
Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!
Tony: [as prosecutor] You have no alibi.
Tony: [laughing] Alibi? How can I have an alibi when the murder doesn't even have a time or a date?
Tony: [as prosecutor] That's interesting. What about means? Latex glove... Scalpel... You could have gotten these things from work. No?
Tony: Right. Of course. Ha-ha. Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right?
Tony: [sighs] I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?
[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]
Tony: Thank you, boss.

Abby: (raises hands as if in prayer) For a second, I lost my faith in... But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And I will rise up, and I will find the man that did this to Tony, and I will crucify him!

Ziva: [slams Stewart against the wall] We have a warrant now.
Stewart: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]

Abby: [pointing at Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?

Abby: I have to look at this from a new perspective! (Bends over and looks at things upside down.To McGee) Your butts' getting boney.
McGee: Boney? I'll have you know that Ziva rated it a 4 out of 5, okay?
Abby: Bone marrow! (Starts typing on the computer) There's a national database for bone marrow donars.(stops typing) Why is Ziva rating your butt?
McGee: Well.....uh.....Tony started it.....
Abby: Don't you blame Tony! He's almost on death row!

Abby: We have to save him Gibbs.Because if he goes to court with fingerprint and his bite mark on the leg, Tony's gonna go to prison for the rest of his life.And I'll be the one that put him there.

George: You think I cut of some girls legs? Why would I do such a thing?
Ziva: I don't know, but if you're going to talk to me would you at least please get a breath mint first! Please!

Gibbs: Ziva, take the woman.McGee, you take the men.I'll pull case files on the ones that Dinozzo put away who aren't on the list.
Tony: But you never do anything...
(Gibbs head-slaps him)
Tony: 'Cause you're such a good deligator.
(watching Gibbs intervie Kim)
McGee: You found them....
Ziva: Flagrante delicto.....
McGee: That's....
Ziva: Roman slang for what Tony calls 'badda-bing badd-boom.

Ziva: She's probably passed on by now.
McGee: The term is passed out.
Ziva: Whatever, the girl is tired.

Abby: Evidence is fun! Fun.You know, fun! (jumps and spins around) Fun, Chip.....You're a tought case, Chip.
Chip: Yeah, I know.

Gibbs: ID?
Ducky: Without a toe print database, I'm afraid we'll have to rely on good old DNA.

Ducky: (about a severed leg) I'm afraid a liver temp is out of the question.

Palmer: I have some smaple for Abby.
Chip: Well, that's convient, because I'm Abby's assitant.
Palmer: Just wanted to say 'hi'.I haven't seen her for a while.
Chip: Well, she's busy right now.
Palmer: It will only take a minute.
Chip: You haven't been an assitant for very long have you?
Palmer: Longer than you.
Chip: We'll see about that.
Palmer: That doesn't make any sense, Chip.
Chip: It's Charles! Charles.

Tony: I am so happy to see you, Fornell!
Fornell: That makes one of us, DiNozzo.

Tony: Oooh.....yeah, baby, oh come'on.....oh come'on, come'on......oh....yikes!
Ziva: (reading a book):
I'm trying to concentrate!
That makes two of us then doesn't it......Ziva?
Is it work related?
Of course it's work related......Ziva!
McGee (reading Tony's computer screen):
Hey! Little privacy here, Probie!
(McGee starts walking back to his desk) Ziva (about his tush): I give it a four.
Are you kidding me? Four?
Out of five I think that's good, isn't it?
McGee (smiles):
Out of five. Tony: What do you think about this one? (bends over)
No, I will not get involved with this any further.Gibbs always seems to be just around the corner.I---No....No.
Come'on! What'd 'ya think? Rate it!
Fine....A two.
A two? A two?!
What's a two, DiNozzo?
I was just explaining the rules to Ziva, boss.
And number two is what?
You know, I'm always a little fuzzy on two.
Grab your gear.Going to Quanitco.
Tony (to Ziva after Gibbs leaves):
A two?
I took off three points for excessive hair.
I don't have.....That's a five. (smiles)
Ziva (laughs):
If you shave.
Chip: We already processed that fiber.
I know that, Chazzoid!

(McGee comes in playing a harmonica) Tony: Very funny, Probie.
Come on, Tony.It's a gift.
From who? The baggie bunnys or pam kim?
Actually it's from Chip.
Great, now I'm getting crap from lab monkies.
Not for much longer.
I knew boss would get me out of here.What do you have, Probie?
Well, hopefully the body that goes with those legs.
What do you mean hopefully.
Well Abby matched the legs you severed----
I didn't sever any legs!
Sorry, slip of the tounge.The legs you supposedly severed to a Carla Johnson.Who, you are not gonna believe this...
I'll believe it if it gets me out of here.
She's alive.
With no legs.
Oh no, she's got legs.
(Tony grabs McGee throught the bars)
McGee: Tony.
Prison changes a man.
Tony, come on man.

I'll take care of him.
Gibbs: I know. But I wanna be kept in the loop.
Fornell: Oh, now I'm hurt. Are you saying you don't trust me?
Gibbs: Whoever set this up, Tobias, is a pro. If this were to go to court right now, DiNozzo would not stand a chance!

Episode 3.10 "Probie"
(Tony trying to cheer up McGee at McGee's apartment)
McGee: What do you want?
Tony: When the going gets tough, the tough go clubbing.

(McGee, pondering his professional background compared to other NCIS agents...)
McGee: God only knows what Ziva did in Mossad.

Gibbs: McGee -- less talk, more of the computer chip doo-da.
McGee: McGee with the doo-da.
Fornell: Doo-da?
Gibbs: Yeah, it's a computer term ... you wouldn't understand.

(Someone starts humming "The Camptown ladies sing this song..." and McGee, Abby and Fornell chorus "doo-da, doo-da")

Tony: DiNozzo: Big 'D', little 'i', big 'N', little 'ozzo'.

Gibbs: You have to learn to say "No.
Jenny: I did Jethro... or have you forgotten?

Gibbs: (Angrily to McGee) You ever hesitate again, because you second guessed yourself, I'll take your badge.

Gibbs: (to Ziva) McGee isn't your father and he isn't Ari. (pause) He doesn't know how to lie.

Ziva: I understand... I'd be embarrassed too. (Tony stares at her.) I shouldn't done it. But your phone kept on ringing this morning and I knew this call was important so I answered it.
Tony: You... ta.. talked to the...
Ziva: To the woman at the sperm bank. The director of a... (pause)... critical issues, yes. I'm sorry, Tony.
Tony: Huh... She had no right to tell that no one wants my sperm!
Ziva Hah! Yes! Hahaha!
Tony: (shocked) You didn't talk to her...
Ziva: So, um, no little DiNozzo's anywhere?

Gibbs: (steps into elevator on the way home. Jenny is in there) You still here?
Jenny: No, I’m the director’s doppelganger.
Gibbs: Never did know what that meant.

Tony: You ever Gibbs Slap me again David and I will slap you back harder.
Ziva: I was following orders.
Tony: The dutiful Mossad agent.

Tony: McGee, the first time I shot at someone, I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: Really. If you tell anyone, I will slap you silly.

Gibbs: So a doppelganger is someone who’s pissed?
Jenny: Yes, Agent Gibbs, this one definitely is.
Gibbs: Why?
Jenny: Why? Because you countermanded me in front of Metro Police.
Gibbs: I didn’t countermand you. You overruled me.
Jenny: Oh, semantics. (leaves elevator)
Gibbs: Is that like ‘doppelganger’?
Jenny: Get a dictionary.

Jenny: I'm flashing back to Paris. In 99. Not what you're thinking.
Gibbs: No? Then what?
Jenny: I remember you covering for another agent. Who messed up.
Gibbs: What agent was that?
Jenny: You know d*** well what agent.
Gibbs: Oh you mean the time you shot that guy?
Jenny: Did McGee blow it?
Gibbs: McGee's a probie. Probie's make mistakes. Having said that, no, I don't think he did.
Jenny: Where's the gun? The slug that was fired?
Gibbs: I dunno. But I will find out.
Jenny: The CNO's aide called me at 7am this morning. Admiral Chapman wants to know what's going on. He asked me.....what are you thinking about?
Gibbs: Paris.
Jenny: Get your mind out of the bedroom Jethro.

Ziva: You've been holding for 15 minutes. Must be important.
Tony: Yep.
Ziva: Sperm bank?
Tony: Yeah.
Ziva: Why'd you do it. You didn't need the money.
Tony: It was easier than giving blood.
Ziva: You enjoyed making those deposits. Was there a penalty for early withdrawal?
Tony: Haha. you're a sick chick David.
Gibbs: Can somebody tell me what is going on here? First Abby's lad nerd frames DiNozzo for murder and then McGee kills a cop.Did somebody break a mirror?!

Abby: Rule number eight is going to save you, McGee!
Tony: Never date a co-worker?
Ziva: Never go anyweher without your knife.
Tony: I thought that was nine.
Gibbs: Never take anything for granted.

Ziva: Huh.....There are little teenage DiNozzo's running around somewhere? (Tony stares at her) Hah! That's frightening!

McGee: I'm not like you guys.You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a marine sniper, Kare protected the president of the United States.Who know what Ziva did in Mossad.
Tony: First time I shot at someone.I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: If you tell anyone that.I will slap you silly.

Ziva: (about McGee) His goose is cooked.
Tony: You would get that one right.

Gibbs: He must've shot him from behind the wheel.
Tony: Wrong, boss!
Gibbs: Ziva....slap him!
(Ziva headslaps Tony)

(about Tony donating an for organ for his kids)
Ziva: (laughing) You, who not shate a Krispy Kreme donut, would give up a kidney?
Tony: You wouldn't understand, you're not a parent.

Episode 3.11 "Model Behavior"
Gibbs: You wanna help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number!
Jenny: You're going to apologize?
Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner!

Ziva: (To McGee and Tony) Why don't you two just agree to disagree?"
McGee: I don't agree to that.

Ziva: You really find her attractive?
Tony: Oh, yeah.
Ziva: Well, I want to shoot her.

Supermodel: Anything else we can help you with? Like some hair tips for your girlfriend here? (referring to Ziva)
McGee: No, I, uh, think that about covers it. But if you can remember anything else that might help, please give us a call. (hands her his card)
Ziva: It's called a business card. Maybe you can have one of the Marines read it to you?

Tony: I didn't make a single broadcast!
McGee: I wish I could say the same. Camera must've added about 10 pounds to me.
Tony: Actually, that was your refrigerator, Probie.

Tony: That guy dates supermodels?
Ziva: They're shallow, he's wealthy. It's a perfect match. ...Isn't your family wealthy?
Tony: That's different.
Ziva: Why?
Tony: My dad cut me off when I was twelve. Had to earn all my dates the old fashioned way.
Ziva: Begging?

Ziva: I think it backfired large time.
Tony: It's Big time.

Gibbs: You writing a gossip column, Palmer?
Palmer: (stammering) I was just informing Dr. Mallard that, that...that he...we...I... (walks off)

Gibbs: Hey, Abs! Got some good news for ya. Just talked to the director and your new assistant starts Monday.
Abby: No, Gibbs! No! I can't go through that again! (notices Gibbs' smile) That is so not funny!
Gibbs: No?
Abby: No!
Gibbs: It was to me!

Gibbs: Accidental overdose, Duck?
Ducky: I doubt it; she had enough PCP in her system to kill a small... water buffalo.
Gibbs: Water buffalo?
Ducky: I tire of small horse...

Abby: Told you he wouldn't show. Pay up.
McGee: Got change for a 20?
Abby: No.

Jenny: This must have been a very difficult letter for her to write.
Gibbs: Probably harder for him to read, no-one likes getting dumped by Postal Express.
Jenny: Maybe he didn't listen. Relationships change. Some people don't know what to let go.

Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, heh, Probie.
McGee: That's not TV.
Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.
McGee: It's an Elf Lord.
Tony: Whatever.

Abby: My top three are falling into a wood chipper, drowning in lava and being eaten by a shark.
McGee: I’m guessing you’ve thought about this before.
Abby: On and off for the last 25 years.
McGee: You know, I read a statistic says you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark.
Abby: Not if you’re a seal.

Tony: You think Gibbs watched the news last night?
Ziva: I know the Director did. He's been up in her office for the past half and hour.

Tony: Hm. Anyone else think that they were more than just partners back in the day. Hoh! Hi Boss. We were just talking about Cagney and Lacey. It's a real good show.
Jenny: Gibbs? Where are you?
Gibbs: I'm right behind you.
Jenny: I really hate it when you do that.
Ziva: You are aware that I've never - performed an interrogation without inflicting some sort of pain?

[to Tony, about his black roses] Your flowers are dead.

McGee: [arriving at a motel] Millions of dollars, a supermodel girlfriend, and this is where he stays?
Gibbs: Well, he showed up in style.
McGee: I think I would've rather slept in the car.

Abby: (holding a vase of black roses) They're for you.
Tony: They're really black. Really, really black.
Abby: It's pretty cool, huh?
Tony: Yeah. (reads the card) Get well soon?
Abby: They didn't have a card that said "Sorry I almost sent you to prison" at the flower shop. Tony: Almost? You actually did send me to prison.
Abby: Well, not for good.
Tony: I don't know what to say. Abby, these...
Abby: Just say that you don't hate me.
Tony: I could never hate you. I don't think anyone could hate you.
Abby: Oh, you don't know Billy Bob.
Tony: You gave him black roses?
Abby: No. I gave him two black eyes. He tried to fun me over with a Harley Fat Boy when I was sleeping in the living room.
Tony: A guy rode a motorcycle through your living room?
Abby: Yeah. No. Well it was his living room. My Harley. Billy Bob had, um, intimacy issues. (handing him black roses) now Don't forget to water them, or they'll die.
Tony: (under his breath) I thought they already were dead.

Abby: Two things I know. One, I like cream filling. And two, this was her last meal. I think we're looking at death by Klowny Kake.

Episode 3.12 "Boxed In"
Tony: What is it about danger and uncertainty that makes me feel so-
Ziva: Horny?
Tony: (pause) hungry.

Ziva: You know what? You're brilliant! Genius!
Tony: You know sarcasm is the refuge of a shallow mind?

(Ziva lands on top of Tony to protect him from a ricocheting bullet.)
Tony: Why are you on top of me?
Ziva: I'm protecting you.
Tony: Well don't.
Ziva: You didn't seem to mind when we were under cover.
Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here.
Tony: Really. Let me rephrase the question. Why are you still on top of me?

Ziva: Best dating movie?
Tony: Night of the Living Dead. I'm kidding.

(Captors speaking foreign language)
Tony: You understand that gibberish?
Ziva: A little.
Tony: What's he saying?
Ziva: They're either discussing letting us go, or the best way to murder us. It's a complicated language!

Tony: Friction burns? (on Ziva's knees)
Ziva: Yeah, what difference does it make?
Tony: Ah, it doesn't. I was just wondering how you got 'em.
Ziva: Well, if you live long enough, maybe I'll tell you someday.
Tony: You know, I can only think of two ways. Were you and McGee and Palmer playing Twister?
Ziva: What's a Twister?
Tony: Exactly. That means you were having... (gets interrupted)

Ziva: Counting your riches, King Cole?
Tony: Midas. King Cole had a merry old soul.

Ziva: (About her phone reception) I'm braless.
Tony: Yeah, I noticed that earlier. But on your phone, they're bars.

Tony: I've got a plan ... we build a time machine.

Tony: I was going to say that your life would have had more meaning if you had slept with me.
Ziva: If you had anything else on your mind perhaps I would have.
Tony: Reeeally?
Ziva: Um, no.
Tony: So, riddle me this Badgirl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?
Ziva: Why, feel a little left out, Tony?
Tony: I mean, McGee, I can understand. He's a good guest. I bet he brought a bottle of wine.
Ziva: And dessert.
Tony: Yeah, big surprise there. But Palmer? I've had more stimulating conversations with cats.

Tony: Hey, listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know....
Ziva: This is not your fault, Tony.
Tony: Uh, no, I was going to say your life would have had more meaning if you would have slept with me.
Ziva: If you had anything else on your mind, perhaps I would have.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No.

Tony: (after finding explosives) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Ziva: Perhaps, if it involves a violent and painful death.

Ziva: Oh yeah, maybe they didn't hear the massive fire fight so lets just waste the little ammunition we have left! You know what? You're brilliant! Genious!
Tony: You know sarcasm is the refuge of a shallow mind.

Tony: Maybe there's a crate full of dvd players in here.
Ziva: Ooh, let's not forget the battery opereated generators and popcorn machines!

Ziva: I think we're screwed in here, Tony.
Tony: The term is bolted.
Ziva: Same difference.

Ducky: You'll find them, Jethro.
Gibbs: Is that a question or a statement?
Ducky: (to himself) More of a prayer.

Gibbs: They were caught in the cross fire.
McGee: Boss you don't think......well...should we put divers in the water?
Gibbs: They're not in the water. McGee, if they were in the water they'd be dead.If they dead I'd know about it.

Episode 3.13 "Deception"
Abby: Thank you sir!
Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby: Thank you ma'am!

Ziva (leaning over Tony's shoulder reading his email): I didn't know your nickname was Honey Buns.
Gibbs (walking in, catching them out): Only Naomi and I call him that.

Ziva: Why do they insist on calling it football when you don't use your feet?
I hadn't thought about that. Well, we kick it sometimes

Gibbs: How many times do I have to tell you he's not a toy.

Abby: Can we continue with this, or are you guys gonna make out for a while?

(Tony sees that Ziva's hands and feet are bandaged and covered in blood.)
Tony: I thought you said you were at Pilates.
Ziva: Well isn't that one of your martial arts?
Tony: No, it's kind of like expensive stretching.
Ziva: Well then I guess I wasn't doing a Pilates. Do you mind helping me with this? (indicating her bandages)
Tony: Yes I do mind. Who's blood is that?
Ziva: Not mine.

Ziva: They say they bought their phones from another boy.
Gibbs: This boy have a name?
Ziva: I'm sure he does. They however, claim not to know it.
Tony: They also claim this isn't their beer.
Ziva (while Gibbs is tipping the beer out): You don't think I know they're lying? (jumps back from beer) Thank you! 'Cause I do. They're only children...
Tony: Actually they're teenagers.
Ziva: Whatever. The little one was about to cry. You have to draw the line somewhere Gibbs. I mean, these boys are not potential suicide bombers. (Gibbs smirks) And I don't interrogate children.
Gibbs: No, you don't Ziva. (Put beer cans in Tony's hands) You talk to 'em.

Security Officer: No don't shoot, don't shoot!
Tony: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone, right Officer David?
Ziva: He called me a dirt bag.
Security Officer: I'm sorry ma'am.
Ziva: (looking more irritated) Ma'am?

Abby: Yes, railroad tracks would be an obvious choice. But there isn't a 2nd thunk or a thack not even a thonk on the track.
Tony: Have you been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby: (smiles) You know I love me some Theodor Geisel!

Tony: (to the teenaged boys) Well, I, like, think you're, like, totally, like, lying, like. You wanna know why?
Danny: 'Cause you're old?

Tony: Okay, relax, quick-draw. We're feds.
Security Officer: Oh yeah? What agency?
Tony: N -
Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Tony: (to Ziva) You never actually get used to it. You think you will, but you never do.
Tony: (While filling Gibbs in on the Lt.'s call) That's a nice suit ....Didn't get married again, did ya....?
Gibbs: (Long Cold Glare at Tony) If you have more DiNozzo, now would be a good time .......
Gibbs: Did you get her home address, DiNozzo?
Tony: Yah Boss....
Gibbs: Then why are you still here? Are you looking for an invitation, Officer David?
Ziva: Oh! So you did get married....
Tony: He means you're with me
Ziva: I knew that!

Tony (to Ziva): No one likes a show off!

Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods
Logan: Are you the cracker jack team on this job?
Tony: She's Israeli"
Ziva: "Look, I know i got the bear thing right."

Ziva: Peanut Butter and Jelly yes?
Logan: Actually no, it stands for Perverts Brought to Justice.

Ziva: I hate clowns

Tony: No little red light means the radio not working.
Ziva: (about Gibbs' driving) And they have a problem with my driving?

McGee: Tim and Dan must be pretty scared of you, huh?
Geckler: What makes you say that?
McGee: Come on, they're obviously geeks. Ah, we used to shove them into lockers, pull their gym shorts off in class, drop their books down the toilet. (Geckler smiles) It's even better if they start crying, right?
Geckler: Well, or wet their pants. (they both laugh)
McGee: Yeah, that too. And you know what the best part is, when you get older you're not going to remember their names, but you know what? They're always going to remember you. It's pretty cool, huh?
Geckler: You know, I really haven't thought about it too much.
McGee: Well I have. (spins Geckler's chair around) You know why? Because I was one of those kids! And I've been looking forward to this day my entire life, dirtbag!
Geckler: I didn't do anything!
McGee: I've got you for aiding and abetting a kidnapping, interferring in a Federal Investigation, and selling stolen property! You know what that means? That mean they can try you as an adult, Geck! (McGee flicks Geckler's neck)
McGee: And when you in prison, every night when you're crying yourself to sleep, I want you to think of me tough guy! We're done here! See ya in court! (starts to leave the interogation room)

Ziva: Lt. Commander Wilkinson drives a 2002 silver Jetta.
Tony: Figures...
Ziva: What figures?
Tony: Chick car.
Ziva: Meaning?
Tony: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact.
Ziva: Was it a government study?
Tony: It's just a thing you know, you don't know how you know it, you just do. Sebring, Liberty, Jetta and Bug; whole VW line are all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser: all guy. Hummer is very guy, but with adequacy issues, and then there is some that go both ways.
[Ziva hits the breaks and points at a car]
Tony: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But, case in point, Mini Cooper and Accura follow the same category.
Ziva: You've giving this a lot of thought, it's very sad.
Tony: Then there is the Miata, it's a special case: Leans to chick, but can go guy, usually means he's in denial, though......Stop!
Ziva: Gladly, if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues.

McGee: I keep losing his connection in Madrid!
Abby: Okay that's it! You need a break!
McGee: We don't have time for breaks, Abby.
[Abby pushes his chair into her office]
Abby: We don't! But you do!
Gibbs: [enters] How many times have I told you, he's not a toy.

Security Officer: No, don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Tony: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone, right Offiver David?
Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer: I'm sorry ma'am! Ziva: (angry) Ma'am?!
(Tony sighs, exsaperated and covers his face with his hand)

Tony: Well, I like, think you're, like, totally, like, lying, like.You wanna know why?
Danny: Cause you're old?
Tony: That's a funny guy.Playing a dangerous game, small fry. (picks up ringing phone) Ops, yes, DiNozzo.Hey Maddy, I need to requistion two sets of genital cuffs, and I gotta requistion the Mark 5 taser again.No, you don't have to clean 'em, I'll wear rubber gloves.

Tony: Relax, quick draw.We're feds.
Security Officer: Yeah? Which agency?
Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Nacal Criminal Investigative Serv----.
Security Officer: Never heard of it!
Tony: You never actually get used to it.You think you will, but you never do.

Ziva: Why don't I think what she said is a good thing?
DiNozzo: Because you're a better agent than you are a driver.

Tony: Do you know what I like about coming to work on a Sunday?
Ziva: Relaxed dress code?
Tony: Actually no, it offers us the unique chance to get a glimpse into the private life of our co workers.
Ziva: Except I have no interest in your life.

Episode 3.14 "Light Sleeper"
Palmer: It's like I always say, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family.
Ducky: There's a touch of the poet in you, Mr.Palmer.
Tony: I'd say you're just more touched.

Gibbs: Tony, Ziva, what happened back there with that bomb.....I just want you to know....
Tony: You don't have to say it, boss, we know how you feel about us.
Ziva: We are a team, Gibbs.It's what we do.
Gibbs: I was going to say if either one of you two wing-nuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Tony: That's our boss!

Gibbs: What did the urine tell you Abby?
Abby: Oh, all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk.

Ziva: McGee you look like you've seen a goat.
McGee: Its ghost, like you've seen a ghost.

McGee: Boss, Did you find her?
Gibbs: Yes McGee, She's hiding in my coffee cup.

Abby: Either that's a coincidence or she really really wants to kill this guy.
Abby and Tony (together, imitating Gibbs): I don't believe in coincidence.

Gibbs (when Abby talked too much): Don't say that I slapped McGee for no good reason!

Gibbs: McGee, you know, the FBI doesn't exist solely to piss me off... Sometimes, they can actually be useful.

Gibbs: Sign of an unhappy marriage.
Ziva: Funny. I think it looks like a hole in the wall.

Ziva: This isn't one of your stuipd action movie, Tony.
Tony: No it isn't.If it wa you would you'd be dressed differently.
Ziva: And you'd be far better looking.
(McGee laughs)
Tony: (to McGee) You'd be dead by the opening credits!
McGee: Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

McGee: (Abby punches his arm) What was that for?
Abby: For mocking my groundbreaking police work.
McGee: I wasn't mocking your--- (Abby makes a fist) It won't happen again.

(Tony is carrying on about celebrity gossip)
Gibbs: DiNozzo, shut up.
Tony: Shutting up, boss.

McGee: Not exactly groundbreaking police work here.
(Gibbs smacks him)
Gibbs: She's not done yet.
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.

Abby: I guess you don't need a lot of stopping power when you're gunning down housewifes.
Gibbs: What about gunshot residue?
Abby: The instant shooter kit came back negative on Porter's skin, shirt, and pants.
Gibbs: Could've worn gloves....
Abby: Or he could've changed clothes.I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs.That's why I'm doing a full analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe.
(As Gibbs) How long, Abby?
(As herself) Well, it's gonna take some time.And since this stuff doens't smell very good, I don't think laundry was a prioity.
(As Gibbs) Abs!
(As herself) Um, two hours.Whenever I know something, you'll know something.
(As Gibbs) You got one.Anything else?
(As herself) Yes, as a matter of fact, this is for you. (hands him a cup of coffee.)
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training.We were about to do trust falls and some of those guys in administration have wandering hands.
(As Gibbs) Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you.
(As herself) I know you will Gibbs.And that is why I love you.
(Gibbs kisses her cheek)
(There's a large bomb set to go off)
Gibbs: Go, go on, get out of here.Get a clear distance away, I'll handle it from here.
Tony: I don't care how hard you wack me, boss, I'm not going anywhere.
Ziva: Nor am I.
Gibbs: If we survive this, you're both fired.

McGee: Did it ever occur to you that I might be the plucky comic relief?
Gibbs: (enters) Did you find Yoon Dawson yet, plucky?

(Tony and Ziva are waiting for Gibbs to intertogate a suspect)
Tony: This is gonna be good.Gibbs'll rip this guy apart.
Ziva: I don't know if that's the right tatic in this case, Tony.
Tony: What, are you an expert on suspect interviews now?
Ziva: Interviews. no.Interrogation techniques, yes.
Tony: Hmm, like look hooking a car battery up to a guys's privates? I'm sure it's effective, but judges tend to frown on it.
Ziva: I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey.
Tony: Flies.
Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
Tony: Flies.....don't like.....uh, vinegar.
Ziva: Vinegar?
Tony: It's complicated.

Tony: It's like my father used to tell me: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony.You never know if they're gonna turn out to be a maniac serial killer.
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: He probably knew your taste in women.

Episode 3.15 "Head Case"
Jenny: Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as Director, I went in there and slapped that smile off her face?
Gibbs: Yeah, it would. That's what you have me for.

Tony: Sleepless in Seattle?
Ziva: That was about voodoo?
Tony: No, but the first time I saw it, scared the bejezus out of me.

Abby: Lay some tissue samples on me Duckman.

(as he was cutting tissue samples from Wayne's head for Abby-grinning) Soo... dark meat or white?
Abby: ...
Palmer: Inappropriate?
Abby: With a big dash of creepy, Jimmy.

Ziva: Why doesn't Tony just sleep with her? It's a viable interrogation technique.
Gibbs: I've done it.
Ziva: Me too.
Tony: Hey, Boss, I was just about to call you.
Gibbs: What a coincidence. I’m just about to put my boot up your--

Jenny: We had a saying in Europe. Whatever Gibbs doesn’t know…
Tony: Can’t hurt him.
Jenny: No. Can’t hurt us.

Ziva: (to Tony) I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.

Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, I want to know about anybody in the area who's made threats against Koreans, foreign Marine wives, or women.
Tony: Oh, is that all? (Gibbs kicks DiNozzo's desk) On it boss!

Gibbs: (to McGee) Come on, you're with me Elf Lord.

Tony: (about their sensitivity training) There's gotta be a way out of this. Maybe I could injure myself. (Ziva bends back one of his fingers) OW!
Ziva: What? I was only trying to help.

Tony: You thinking what I'm thinking?
McGee: Yeah, that we've just walked into an episode of the X-files.
Episode 3.16 "Family Secret"
Ducky- (to a body that's been blown up) I do apologize; usually one scraping is sufficient. But you my friend are oh, so crispy.

Ziva: We've been barking up the wrong tree the entire investigation.
Tony: Bush"
Ziva: Sorry. Barking up the wrong...bush?
Tony: (grins) Tree.

Gibbs: Any chance of getting the call logs?
Abby: I'd have a better chance of getting McGee to wear a a Speedo to church.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, shut up!
Tony: Shutting up, Boss!

Jenny: (to Gibbs) I learnt how to speak "Gibbs" a long time ago.

Tony: (to McGee) I have information you want, you have information I want... shall we dance?

Gibbs: Ziva caved first, then McGee and my faithful St. Bernard last.

Abby: Can I at least get a drum roll?
Gibbs: Ta da.
Abby: Pa-thetic.

Gibbs: You wanted to see me Duck?
Ducky: (busy dialling a phone number) Yes, I did. I was just about to call you… It’s not a wonder DiNozzo is always looking over his shoulder…

Jenny: So what's bugging that famous gut now? Yes, you're that easy to read.

Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is......yes.
Ziva: And what's the question?
Tony: Have I no shame?

Gibbs: Ducky?
Ducky: Yes?
Gibbs: Mystery.

[Tony & Ziva are looking at a picture of a girl from McGee's iPod on the Plasma]
Gibbs: Put it back up there.
Tony: Put what back? [Gibbs headslaps Tony]
Gibbs: McGee’s got good taste. Going for coffee. [Gibbs headslaps Ziva]
Ziva: Ow! What was that for?
Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.

Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!
McGee: Or die trying.
Tony: Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?

Abby: I found calcium which is present in human bones, but no phosphorus.
Gibbs: Which means?
Abby: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?
Episode 3.17 "Ravenous"
Tony: She's dead. It was a pottery accident.

Abby: You're getting sneakier the older you get.
Gibbs: Not to mention better looking.

Tony: Trust me, you gotta see this (pulls Ziva out of the elevator)
Ziva: I'd rather be taking a shower Tony...
Tony: It's every newbie's worst nightmare.

Ziva: Not a big fan of nature huh?
Tony: Oh.. I'm a big fan of nature as long as it's on TV.

McGee: They drinking cappuccinos?
Tony: Probably fueling up for the banjo dueling contest later.
Ziva: What's that?
McGee: Those are, uh, scones. Sort of like an English-coffee-pastry-
Tony: I think, Probie, that Ziva was referring to the jar next to the scones. Those are pickled pigs' feet, Ziva. I think you'd enjoy them.
Ziva: I'll pass on that. They're not exactly kosher.

Ziva: Mind if I take a bat nap?
Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.

McGee: He's been on leave the past six days.
Tony: Nice vacation. Little camping, knife to the heart. Little trip inside a bears digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah, I'd fire my travel agent.
Tony: Yeah.

Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction
Tony: You don't know how to say 'porcupine' but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction.
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theatres in my country.

Tony: People with guns make me nervous.
Ziva: I've noticed.
Tony: I was talking about you actually.
Ziva: Eh.

Ziva: I said no, I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.
Tony: The term is easy.
Ziva: What's that difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup.
Gibbs: I’ve had a few wives, Abby.
Abby: And yet, you know so little about women.
Ziva: (Referring to the obligation the probies have to witness an autopsy) We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy? [One of the probies vomits]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: (Walking in) It depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.

Abby: I was just about to call Tony and McGee.I think they were having sex.
Ziva: (surprised) Tony and McGee?
Abby: No!

Tony: Maybe she drove here on her own.That's why nobody saw her with Riley.Registration could give us a name.
Ziva: I assume Gibbs would have checked that out last night.
Tony: Rule number eight.Never assume anything.
Ziva: To be precise it's never take anything for granted.
Tony: To be more precise, what would you do if I started head-slapping you?
Ziva: I'd most likely kill you.It's, uh, a reflex thing.

Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you because you're a female.
Ziva: He's not trying to protect me.He's afraid I'll kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

Ziva: Great, it'll be like trying to find a in a haystack.
Tony: Needle in a haystack.
Ziva: Well, aren't pins just as hard to find?
Tony/McGee: No.
Episode 3.18 "Bait"
McGee: New shoes

Ducky: What happened?
Jenny: Gibbs happened. He went in to deliver an inhaler and was asked to stay.

(Director Shepard is checking up on Tony’s command via the phone)
Director Shepard: If the time comes you cannot hesitate, you cannot second guess yourself...
(Tony, annoyed, throws his hat down)
Tony: OK, if you don’t trust me I suggest you relieve me. Otherwise leave me alone. I’ve got work to do ma’am. (Tony slams his phone off)
Director Shepard: Gibbs has rubbed off on him.
Ducky: That’s a positive thing.
Director Shepard: He isn’t Gibbs, Ducky.
Ducky: No, but he’s very capable.

(Gibbs is being held hostage in a high school classroom while Tony speaks with the hostage taker Cody)
Cody: Your agent says he’s a negotiator. (referring to Gibbs)
Tony: That’s right. He’s my best man.
Cody: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.
Tony: He always had an attitude problem.

Tony: We need eyes in that classroom.
Ziva: SRT snaked cameras through the vents here and here. Both were taped shut. Cody was covering his plates.
Tony: Bases.

Tony: Giving you an update. I wanna let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for you mum.
Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I won't tell you again.
Tony: Alright, I'm going.
Agent: How are you gonna tell Gibbs the kids' mum's dead?
Tony: I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.
Tony: I can't stand doing nothing while everyone else is working.
Ziva: Well, then do something!

McGee: You know Tony, this might actually might work.
Tony: Don't sound so surprised Probie.

Gibbs: Nautical, civilian, or astronomical?
Kody: What?
Gibbs: Which sunset, there are three?
Kody: Before it gets dark.
Gibbs: Astronomical.

Kody: (to a kid about Gibbs) Search him.You know, like they do on Cops.

Tony: How long?
McGee: Depends.They could be using counter attack software.If they're using a sophicticated encryption system.It could be one hundred twenty-eight even two hundred fifty-six bit...
Tony: Probie!
McGee: On it, boss!............Tony!
(Tony smirks)
Ziva: What?
Tony: He called me boss.
Ziva: Yeah, he'll never live it down.
Tony: Nope.

Episode 3.19 "Iced"
McGee: Something wrong, boss?
Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow.

Cesar: So like, you don't got no questions for me.
Tony: (playing a game on his cell phone with his feet up on the table) That's a double negative.
Cesar: Huh?
Tony: Don't got no, is a double negative. It's a non standard use of two negative words in the same sentence. Cancels each other out and creates a positive.

(McGee asks Ziva if he really does act like a homosexual.)
Ziva: I think he's jerking your brain
McGee: Chain? Jerking my chain?
Ziva: Whatever. I think you're suitably masculine. But macho...
McGee: You don't think I'm macho?
Gibbs (walking in): If you have to ask...

Gibbs: You expecting an 'Atta Boy'?
Tony: I thought it would be nice
Gibbs: (stroking Tony's head) Atta Boy.

Tony: This isn't about orientation. It's about image.
Ziva: So now your image is homo-pubic?
Tony: The term is homophobic and no. Prejudice of any kind is an ugly thing.

Ducky: Yes, I once performed an autopsy on a man who drowned in his kitchen sink. Yes, apparently, he couldn't remove the drain plug and attempted to use his teeth.

Tony: Ziva, hablar Espanol?
Ziva: Si, mucho.
Tony: Oh. Bueno.
Casar: So like, you don't got no questions for me?
That's a double neagtive.
Don't got no, it's a double negative.It's a standard use of two negative words in the same sentance.Cancle each other out and create a positive.Actually in Shakesperes day the double negative was used as a nathatic, but now it's just considered a mistake.Not sure if that's what you intended, pretty sure it's not.Pretty sure you meant do I have any questions and the answer to that question is I have no questions.Do have some observations though.Casar, that's an interesting name.Obviously derived from Ceaser, that was a powerful dude.My name's Anthony, friends call me Tony, which spelled backwards it Ynot.Anyway, in the peeking order I'm guessing you're somewhere between the guy who goes out and buys the spray paint that you use for tagging anf the guy who digs it out from under your bosses nails.
Casar: (says something in spanish, then) You don't know who you're messing with! One word from me and my crew will have you es-splattered---
Tony: You're crew?
That's funny, I thougt it was Migel Sosa's crew.Interesting.

Sosa said to ask you why you let your people live so far from work.La vato McGee and that Isreali chicka all that way out in, ah, Silver Spring.Long way, si? What if they need you pronto?
Gibbs: Threating my never a good idea!

The manicure was only once and it was because I tore a cutical.
Tony: You just set off gaydar across the whole Atlantic ocean.
Gibbs (to an interrigatee): Threatening my people is not a good idea.
Episode 3.20 "Untouchable"
Tony: Ahhhhh!
Ziva: Don't tell me your afraid of a little *****

Tony: Hey, buddy. Look what I got! Who found your favorite little carrot toy? Come here. Come here. Here. Yeah. Good kitty.
(reaches into carrier, cat hisses and screeches) !
(laughter from "Probies")
Tony (glaring around at "Probies"): You think that’s funny, Probies? Huh? Did I hear a little chuckle back here in the peanut gallery? Is that it? You want to know how the blood got there? Hm? You think that’s funny? I’ll tell you how it got there. Garfield over there. We found that animal feasting on this woman’s face. Doctor Mallard thinks that this kitty cat is rabid. Me? I’m of the opinion that it’s a man eater. He likes the taste of human flesh. It starts with the cheeks. Then it moves to the lips. Soft lips. Then it works on the tongue a little bit until it’s just a little nub. A lot of blood in the tongue. Guys, there was blood spewing from this poor woman’s maw. Get a kick out of this now? You think this is funny, Chuckle Head. That’s what it was feasting on when we found it. It took four tranquilizers and three--
Ziva (rolling her eyes): That’s very dramatic, Tony. Can we get back to work now?

(Gibbs is interrogating a suspect. Ziva and Tony observe)
Ziva: This woman is such a turd!
Tony: A what?!
Ziva: A geek, yes?
Tony: Oh you mean nerd.

Abby: Mrs. Mallard, would you like to see my mass spectrometer?
Mrs. Mallard: What a charming young lady. Of course I would, my dear. What is a mass speedometer? Does it move very fast?

(Ziva crashed into a suspects car to stop them from getting to the airport and asked Tony to take the blame.)
Gibbs: (To Tony and Ziva) Roca is at the airport!
Tony: Yeah, that's my fault Boss. I take full responsibility... I shouldn't have let Ziva drive

Abby: Rough night?
Ziva: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?

Ziva: I'm begging you. Please.
Tony: No. No way. I don't care how nice you are, how much you bribe me, or how much you threaten me. Not filling out the paperwork.
Ziva: It's not the filing of the accident report I object to. I'd prefer if you said you were driving the car.
Tony: Well that would be lying and lying is bad.
Ziva: Would you just listen to me?!
Tony: I'm listening.
Ziva: You're right. I'm sorry. I've been at NCIS for a short while, and it would look very bad to have another accident on my dossier.
Tony: Another accident?
Ziva: I've had some...difficulties.
Tony: Some indicates more than one. How many?
Ziva: It that really important? (Tony looks at her) Three. But the second was not my fault. Now are you going to help me? Yes or no?
Tony: Well, that depends. What's in it for me?
Ziva: Anything you want.
Tony: Anything?

Tony: Old bat that lives next door to me complains every time I bring a date home. Wanna know why?
Ziva: Shouting of 'No means no!'?
Tony: Huh, was a good one, but not even close.

Tony: Can I ask you a question?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: You really think I smell?
Ziva: (laughs) I was just kidding Tony.
Tony: (farts) What about now?
Ziva: You are disgusting. You do that again and I'll shoot you.

Tony: Hello, this is Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. You've called a crime scene, we're wiretapping this phone so please be advised that we will be contacting you at your home.
Telemarketer: My home?
Tony: Any time, day or night, probably during the weekend, early in the morning. (hangs up) That was fun.

Ziva: (laughing) Your mother drank your monkeys?!

Secret Service Agent: How do you like NCIS?
Tony: It has its moments.

Abby: Stop being so “Palmer,” Jimmy.

Ducky: Sadly, one less reader in the world.
Palmer: Who committed suicide. (Gets a look from Ducky and Gibbs) Or maybe she was just cleaning her gun too close to her head.

Ziva: I am what you american's call a screamer, yes?
(Phone rings)
Tony: Answer it.
Ziva: What am I supposed to say?
Tony: I don't know, scream something.

Tony: (to Ziva) Remember when we superglued McGee's face to the desk?

Ducky: Mr. Palmer, will you chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I've found?

Gibbs: Too much caffeine is not good for you, Abby.

Ziva: I'm impressed. The diplomat takes the blame, we get our mole, and your cover remains intact, Captain. I'll have to remember that one.
Tony: Or you could just rent 'No Way Out'.

Tony: That's why I never had pets.
Ziva: You've never had any pets?
Tony: Well, I had Sea Monkeys once.
Ziva: What's a Sea Monkey?
Tony: Basically, brine shrimps swimming around in green water. (Ziva makes a face) I know, I thought the same thing.
Ziva: What happened to them?
Tony: My mother got their sea castle confused with her Mint Julip.
Ziva: You mother drank your monkies?
Tony: It was the seventies.
Gibbs: Explains allot.
Episode 3.21 "Bloodbath"
Tony (to McGee): Where's your chair?
Gibbs: He doesn't deserve to sit.

(Abby breaks a bit of Gibbs' boat)
Abby: Suddenly having a stalker on the loose isn't so scary.

Abby: This is so embarrassing! Okay, in my defense, what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide.
McGee: Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.

Abby: McGee! You came all the way down here to see me in my court suit!
McGee: ...No...
Abby: You totally did!
McGee: No, I did not...
Abby: Your mouth lies but your red ears are telling the truth!

(on the phone with Mawher)
Abby: And if I don't what? You are going to tear up that nice collage you were making for me?

Jenny: I picked a bad week to cut out caffeine
Gibbs: Abu Saif?
Jenny: Singapore’s mole believes that they’ve infiltrated a prepositioned ship at Diego Garcia (watches Gibbs drink from his coffee cup). I’ll fill you in later. How’s Abby?
Gibbs: She’s scared.
Jenny: I thought that Mawher fellow had an airtight alibi.
Gibbs: Alibi, yes. Airtight—
Jenny: Is that….Jamaican blend? Yeah.
Gibbs: Alibi, yes. Airtight, no. Last thing a homicide cop worries about is his clean-up guy.
Jenny: Yeah, well your clean-up guy just made an interesting play. Abby’s been subpoenaed again.
Gibbs: I thought she was done with the court.
Jenny: She was, until the defence got an anonymous email saying that the consultant for the prosecution had gone into protective custody.
Gibbs: Mawher must have found out.
Jenny: You don’t use cream and sugar, do you? (Gibbs shakes his head) Hm.
Gibbs: Mawher must’ve found out about the case from Abby’s computer.
Jenny: And now he’s trying to lure her out.
Gibbs: Does the defence know they’re being used?
Jenny: They don’t care. My guess is that they’re gonna use Abby’s restraining order to claim that her judgment is faulty (watches Gibbs drink more coffee).
Gibbs: Her judgment?
Jenny: Yeah. The defence is gonna argue that she makes bad choices. I don’t know this defence lawyer. I’ve never dealt with her, but obviously she likes to win.
Gibbs: She does.
Jenny: You know her?
Gibbs: Yeah, I thought I did. If she wants to talk to Abby, she can do it here (starts to walk out)
Jenny: Yeah, agreed. I’ll past it on. Jethro, could you leave--?
Gibbs: I already did, Jen. (Gibbs leaves, Jenny looks across to see that Gibbs left his coffee for her).

Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee! That's for cute girls named Gina Marie who bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow.

Abby: (as she zapped the baddie) And don't you dare look up my skirt!
McGee: Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.
Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.
McGee: (Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter) If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.
Abby: Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt (Abby is wearing McGee's shirt) smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.
McGee: That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.
Abby:You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.
McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
Abby: This is not my toothbrush.
McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Jeana Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.
McGee: Are you going to use it or not?
Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.
McGee: Where are you going?
Abby: To get my toothbrush.
McGee: No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.
Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.
Abby: That's a really good point. You go.
McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.
Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.
McGee: (grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves) (someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)
McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!
Abby: What'd you forget?
McGee: My keys.
Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?
McGee: My car keys. Now, if you answer the door for anyone, I will tie you up.
Abby (excited): Really?

(Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend)
Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.

Michael: We just got off on the wrong foot.
Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your--
Michael: Abby!

Or, maybe it was just a lab accident. I mean, really, who would wanna kill Abby?
Ziva: You know that's true. It's not like someone was after Tony.
McGee: Now that's a suspect list I wouldn't want to run down again.
Tony: Ya! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I think the joke's over. We get it.

McGee: Did you request this specific room when you called the lodge?
Lillian: No we asked for the one with the eviscerated squirrels, but this was all they had.
Frank: What the h*** kind of question is that?
Gibbs: Our last one.

Ducky: (to Abby and McGee) I don't anticipate any long term side-effects.
Gibbs: Better not be. You two don't have permission to be sick.

Abby: [showing him her stun gun] Ziva gave me this. Cynthia gave me the pepper spray. The brass knuckles are Director Shepherd's.
Gibbs: No one is going to hurt you, Abby.
Abby: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Gibbs: Did it?
Abby: Yeah.Can you say it again?
Gibbs: Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.
(puts his arm around her)
Abby: Can I stay at NCIS until you find him?
Gibbs: Mm-hm. I'll move you're whole lab into the elevator if it will make you feel better.

(outside the lodge)
Lillian: Is it clean?
Albert: Of course it's clean, Lillian.
Lillian: Well, the last time we were here I saw a cockroach, Albert.
Albert: It wasn't a cockroach, Lillian.
Lillian: Oh, all of a sudden you're an expert.
Albert: I'm an entomologist. Thirty-two years. I think I'd know a cockroach if I saw one.
Clerk: I can assure you folks, our rooms are maintained to the highest standard of...
Lillian: Cockroach habitability?
Clerk: I was going to say cleanliness and neatness. However, if you folks are unhappy with the room in any way...
Albert: (To clerk) Stay single.

Abby: I don't understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed. Because alcohol is a depressant. Now, I'm so depressed. And I'm nauseous. And I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow I have to go fight a hangover while I'm in court, while some ambulance chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility. What is wrong with me, Gibbs? What did I do to deserve this?
Gibbs: It's not about you, Abby. It's about him.
Abby: Then why do I feel so guilty?
Gibbs: I don't know. Why do you?
Abby: Because... I think this might all be my fault.
Gibbs: Maybe it is.
Abby: How could you say that to me, Gibbs. I didn't do anything wrong. Just because some defective lunatic can't get it through his thick skull that I think he is a defective lunatic. That is not my fault......Gibbs. That is not my fault at all. (pause) This is not my fault..... I see why you like to work on you boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. (she accidentaly breaks a piece on the boat) Oops... Suddenly, having a stalker on the loose isn't so scary.

Episode 3.22 "Jeopardy"
Jenny: Gibbs thinks of me as a wife.
James: See.
Jenny: He’s had three.

Abby: Oh my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.

Ziva: I didn't touch him... Hardly at all.

Tony to Ziva: I'm afraid you'll put the Vulcan death grip on me. (13min20sec)

Cassie to Ziva: Are you sure he didn't say anything before you killed him?
Ziva gives Cassie an evil look
Cassie: I mean before he died and collapsed in your custody?
Ziva: If you put me on hold again, I will jump through this phone and strangle you!
Ziva: [as they're driving to the hangar withe Brian Dempsey in the driver's seat] Are you trying to make me sick or something, Tony?
Tony: You know what, I can't see the windshield, I'm driving with my hands, and I still think I'm a better driver than you.
Ziva: To the left!... The other left!

McGee: When I shot that cop, I felt like everyone doubted me... But after a while...
Ziva: Are you trying to make me feel better?
McGee: Is it not working?
Ziva: It's not necessary, McGee. (Ziva gently slaps McGee's cheek and laughs) Our only concern should be the Director.
McGee: You're right. (goes back to his desk)
Ziva: (to the person on the phone) You put me on hold again, and I'll jump through this phone and I will strangle you!
Operator: Hold, please.
Ziva: Hey, McGee. Nobody ever doubted you.
McGee: Just like those calls you're making aren't pointless.

Ziva: Look, I know this looks bad. I also know with Brian Dempsey dead, it's nearly impossible to bring down his South African distributors, much less prosecute his brother.
Gibbs: That's not our biggest problem here, Ziva.
Ziva: [nodding] It appears there's only one way to fix this.
[removes her gun puts it aside] I've seen it in your American movies.
[remove her badge, grabs Gibbs's hand and puts her badge in his hand] This is where I resign.
Gibbs: Next time you hand me your badge, [gives it back to her] you had better be prepared to lose it.

Ducky: I've been traveling to crime scenes for a great many years, but I can say with complete confidence this is the shortest commute I have ever had.
Jimmy: And one of the first times I didn't get us lost.
Ducky: True.

Tony: Look, we all know that Ziva has crazy Ninja skills, but I mean, she's got some self control right? Not a lot, but some. Never mind.

Gibbs: You sure this is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done, DiNozzo?
Episode 3.23 "Hiatus Part 1"
Ziva: (annoyed) Ducky, drip it!
Ducky: Do you mean "drop it," or "zip it"?
Ziva: (even more annoyed) (groans) American idioms drive me up the hall!
Ducky: Well, actually it's.... (sighs) Never mind.

Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too Ziva. Let’s go! I know what happened. (Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time) Hey! If there’s going to be any ***** slapping on this team, I’ll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake. (Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands) There we go. That wasn’t so tough. Was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on. (They hug) Now a deep tongue kiss. (Both women hit Tony) Now we feel better.

Tony: Shouldn’t he be awake by now?
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you’re asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That’s what it looks like he’s doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that’s gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn’t a nightmare.

Situation 21min15sec, Tony talks with Stevenson in the MTAC-Room. He begins:
Tony: I’ve got a better chance of hooking up with Jessica Alba than these guys do of infiltrating SeaLift. (Michael Weatherly was engaged to Jessica Alba in the early 2000's.)

Abby: McGee said that Gibbs was in a bomb blast. He tried to sound really calm, but I could hear the fear in his voice and he should be afraid, for Gibbs to be brought to the hospital in the ambulance could not be good. I had to come see for myself and my hearse got a flat as usual so, um, I got in a cab to go to the airport and then I realised that, that by the time I got to the terminal and, and I bought a ticket and then I went through security and then I flew to Norfolk and then I got a cab here it would be better just to stay in the cab that I was in so I did that, it cost a lost of, you know what it doesn't matter what it cost because this is Gibbs we're talking about. I can't believe that he's hurt he is never hurt, not hurt enough to go to a hospital. He has to be dying to even go see a doctor. Oh my God. He isn't dying is he? I dunno what I would do. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. Ok, I know the rule is that you have to be family to go into Emergency, at least that's what they said when Uncle Charlie got his leg caught in a nurtia trap, but Gibbs and me, we're tighter than blood. I know you need ID, I have ID in here. Um, I work at NCIS, uh, forensics, and, uh, ballistics, chemical analysis and DNA typing. Uh, here, um, that's me, I promise, I just, I had to be in court that day but I swear, that is me.

(in a flashback)
Kelly: I'll miss you Daddy.
Gibbs: We've said it all before.
Shannon: Will I hear it again?
Gibbs: I will take care. I will come back safe.
Shannon: Not those words.
Gibbs: I love you.
[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]
McGee: On it boss!
Tony: I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...Alright, I cut the probie some slack.

Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.

Jenny: I left a dinner at the White House to come here.

Nurse: I'm impressed, really I am.But that still doesn't change the rules.
Jenny: I was hopeing I wouldn't have to resort to this.
Nurse: Shooting your way on?
Jenny: Don't be silly.I don't have my weapon.(pulls out her cellphone)
Nurse: Calling the president?
Jenny: Now that would be overkill........Hello, Connie. (I think she actually said 'Condi')

Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects".
Ziva: Tony, your dying words will be, "I've seen this film".

Dr.Todd: How well do you know Gibbs?
Jenny: He was my mentor at NCIS; he taught me most of what I know.
Dr.Todd: Yet you're his boss.
Jenny: Jethro's a great field agent. He's a great team leader. And he deals more efficiently with difficult politicians than I do.
Dr.Todd: Then why isn't he the...
Jenny: He shoots them.

Ziva: I'm confused.
McGee: So am I, and I saw the dvd twice.
Tony: Sound of music confuses you, Probie.
Ziva: I love that movie! (opens mouth to sing)
Tony: (puts a hand over her mouth) One note and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to I'ts a small world for twenty-four hours straight! Do we understand each other?!
Ziva: (slightly shocked) Mmm-hmm.

Ducky: I sat on a bomb once.No twice.The first time I was young, the second time I was foolish.
Palmer: Why would you sit on a bomb?
Ducky: I just told you, I was young and foolish. Haven't you been listening?

Episode 3.24 "Hiatus Part 2"
Tony: My gut tells me we’re missing something.
Ziva: Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.

Ziva: You insist this is Pinpin Pula?
Captian: Insist. Yes. I like this word. I insist this is Pinpin.

McGee: That's not loaded is it?
Tony: Would Gibbs allow Ziva to carry a loaded weapon in there?
McGee: No
Tony: And I'm not Gibbs, right?

(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in the hospital room.)
Gibbs: We work together?
Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
Ziva: It's been a year.
Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...
Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!
Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.

Gibbs: (getting frustrated) What can I do?
Ziva: Remember!
Gibbs: I’ve been trying to since I woke up in this room!
Ziva: Well try harder! ... That's a start.
Gibbs: What is?
Ziva: The old Gibbs’ stare. You gave it to all of us; McGee, Tony, me!
Gibbs: What are you talking about?
(Ziva grabs Gibbs' hand, and uses it to slap the back of her head. Gibbs starts to remember)

(Talking to the guy who won't stop the ship to find and stop a bomb)
Gibbs: Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!

Ducky: You can close it.
Jen: What do you know?
Ducky: Jethro would have pursued the killer of his wife and daughter to hell and back… Jethro got his revenge.

Gibbs: I'm not Agent Gibbs! I don't know Agent Gibbs! I don't wanna know Agent Gibbs! I want my family. I want Shannon. I want Kelly. I miss them. I miss them so much. Oh, I miss them.

(As Gibbs looks for his Gun and badge)
Tony: Oh. Uh, I got it Boss, I took it when the Paramedics took you away. (He gives Gibbs his gun and badge)
Gibbs:Appreciate it. (Nods he put the gun and badge in Tony's hand) You'll do. (He puts his hand on Tony's shoulder) It's your team now.
Tony:(Looks at Gibbs a bit shocked)
Gibbs: (Turns to McGee) Your a great Agent Tim...don't let him tell you other wise.
McGee: (Nods) I won't Boss...
Gibbs: (Walks up to Abby)
Abby: (Whimpering, crying almost) Gibbs...
Gibbs: (Puts a single finger on Abby's lips and silently kisses her cheek)
Abby: (About to cry)
Gibbs: (Walks up to Ziva) I owe you Ziva...
Ziva: I'll collect...(Smiles lightly) Jethro...
Gibbs: (Walks up to Ducky) Give me a ride home Duck.
Ducky: Of course...
(As Gibbs is about to leave with Ducky. He stops, and turns around looking at the Team he is leaving behing)
Gibbs: Semper Fi.
Ziva: You know what that means?
Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs?
(Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

Abby: Can you imagine how scray that would be? To lose the last fifteen years of your life.
McGee: Oh, man!
Abby: What?
McGee: I'd still be in highschool.
Abby: Uh, yuck! Zits, braces. rageing hormones.
McGee: Yeah, used to walk around all day with a notebook in front of my.....
Abby: In front of your what, McGee?
McGee: (pointing to the computer) The laundry room is off.It should actually be 3.962 meters wide, no twenty-six.
Abby: (fixs it) Better?
McGee: Yeah.Gotta be accurate.
Abby: Absolutly.So was it one of these tiny spiral notebooks? Or one of those big three ring binder kinda ones, Timmy?
McGee: And where were you fifteen years ago, Abby?
Abby: So where did you find Gibbs?
McGee: Afraid I'm gonna find out.... (Abby hits him) What was that for?
Abby: Distracting me.
McGee: I was not distracting.....
Abby: (pointing at the computer) Gibbs.
McGee: Between the drier and the bulkhead......Little closer to the bulkhead.Now the autopsty report indicates that Gableeb was sitting on the bomb.
Abby: Which consisted of one hundred-thirteen grands of semtex.
McGee: Wow.You can compute the amount of semtex used?
Abby: I'm a scientist, McGee.I can compute anything acurtly, including the sizr of the notebook required to.....
McGee: Stop.

Gibbs: What can I do?
Ziva: Remember.
Gibbs: I've been trying to since I woke up in this room!
Ziva: Well, try harder! (Gibbs glares at her) Good.That's a start.
Gibbs: What is?
Ziva: The old Gibbs' stare! You gave it to all of us.McGee, Tony, me.
Gibbs: What're you talkin' about?!!
(Ziva takes his hand and headslaps herself.And Gibb remembers headslapping her)
Ziva: Ari killed Kate.
(Gibbs remembers Kate being killed)
Ziva: (crying) And I.....I killed Ari.
(Gibbs remembers her killing Ari)
Gibbs: Your brother?
Ziva: (crying) Yeah.
Gibbs: You killed your save me?
(Ziva nods, crying and Gibbs pulls her into a hug)

Jenny: You remembered us making love, didn't you?
Gibbs: (Groans in acknowledgement)
Jenny: Well, it's a start.

Tony: Abby, this is serious.
Ziva: Oh, look at the pot calling the kettle black.I got that right didn't I?
Tony: No.
(McGee gives her her tumbs up)
Ziva: Yes!
Tony: Probie!

Jenny: My name is Jenny Shepard, and I am the Director of NCIS.
Mike: Thank the Lord.
Jenny: That means you approve?
Mike: Means all my thoughts that early retirement was a mistake, just proved themselves wrong.

Back to: NCIS Quotes
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Latest page update: made by #1hotchfan , May 26 2011, 1:04 PM EDT (about this update About This Update #1hotchfan Edited by #1hotchfan

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codename:mara season 3 quotes 0 Feb 4 2012, 5:48 AM EST by codename:mara
Thread started: Feb 4 2012, 5:48 AM EST  Watch
haha...just spent a whole half hour reading the quotes. I can actually see the clips in my mind as i read them.

Great work to whoever compiled these.
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tiva15 Probie 0 Sep 11 2010, 7:26 PM EDT by tiva15
Thread started: Sep 11 2010, 7:26 PM EDT  Watch
What is Ziva tells in hebrew about beeng on the lam?
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Ydnam96 quote from Vouyer's Web 3 May 22 2009, 12:12 PM EDT by AlphaSierra4
Thread started: Jan 14 2009, 6:12 PM EST  Watch
What is the phrase Ziva says in Hebrew about trash being trash?
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