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NCIS Quotes Season 2
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| Episode 2.1 "See No Evil" |
| Kate: "When I’m a mother, I’m never letting my kids out of my sight." Tony: "Yeah, how do you plan on doing that? " Kate: "G-P-S locater strapped to the ankle. Audio and video surveillance built into their clothes." Tony: "No, I mean the part about becoming a mother." |
| Ducky: "Well, now that you mention it, I did have a great uncle who drowned in a vat of alcohol." McGee: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Ducky: "Of course he reportedly climbed out three times to go to the bathroom." |
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| Tony: Yeah, I'll get that APB out on the lollipop guild. Gibbs: What can you tell me about the voice? Abby: It sounds like a particle physicist that I used to date. He had this tiny little chicklet like teeth and an Eiffel tower tattoo. Gibbs: (holds up Caf-Pow) You want this Abby or not? Tony: You know, considering no one in this room is actually deaf, that's really annoying. (Gibbs signs something to Abby) Hey! That was about me, wasn't it. McGee:What the hell is it? Abby:Maybe just some left over bodily fluid. McGee: Oh is that all? It's disgusting. |
| Gibbs: We're not FBI, dirtbag. Gibbs: (smashing cell phone on desk) I hate this thing! It's crap! Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer. Gibbs: See, (holds up smashed phone) there's a reason I didn't trust these things. (tosses it to McGee) Here, reboot that or something. (to Kate) Send her up McGee: Reboot it? Kate: Or you can do what we always do. (Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee) Tony: It's his third one this month. Kate: You still pushing to be a full-time field agent? McGee: Very much so. Kate: Alright, we need to get into the house. Suggestions? McGee: Uh, well, the last time I was in this situation, Tony threw a rock through a window. Kate: Yet another glaring difference between boys and girls. Follow me. Gibbs: You inside his computer yet? Abby: Oh, um...I think, um... Gibbs: ...need help? Abby: Yeah. Gibbs: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once. Abby: Who? Gibbs: You. Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed. McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the pentagon in a single afternoon! Abby: Yeah, he can. McGee: You're right, we are doomed. Abby: I love it when you talk geek. McGee: I love it that you love it. Abby: (as her computer fizzles and crashes) NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried! McGee: System's over-heated. Gibbs: So reboot it. Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting. Gibbs: ( holding up cell phone) Works for me. Sandy: I know the number of vibrations of every key, like key number 44, E4, that's 329.63 Hz. A5 is 880. My mom says I'm half bat. Abby: Well, that's cool. I love bats. Sandy: Me too. I like your voice, Abby; it's kinda gravely. Abby: Thank you! McGee: Gibbs, he sent it. I think he's going to shoot her. What do I do? Gibbs: Something, McGee... Anything! McGee: (over computer) This is the FBI, Grayson. We have you surrounded, come out with your hands in the air. Kate: [reading note from a hostage] "Contact NCIS. No one else." Tony: Finally, someone who appreciates us. Kate: Can't you tell when somebody's kidding with you, McGee? McGee: I used to and then I met you guys. Gibbs: McGee! Why are you still here? McGee: Uh, the, the, the contractors, they won't wire the network until the air conditioning's fixed. It, it's a union thing. So... Gibbs: So-o-o-o you decided it's more important for an NCIS Special Agent to crawl around, all day, by yourself? Tony: Man asked you a question. McGee: Why, uh, no, I just, I wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk. Gibbs: Yeah. You have any idea where thinking like this is gonna lead you? Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee? Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony here. Looks like he could use a workout. McGee: Uh, it... it... it's not that difficult. So I, uh, I guess I could do it myself. Tony: Good answer. Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today. Gibbs: McGee, where are you going? McGee: Uh, Norfolk. Gibbs: Well, I got some good news and some bad news.You've just been promoted to a full time field agent. McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's... Gibbs: You belong to me now! (Kate goes to sit down but finds McGee under her chair) McGee: Ah, morning, Agent Todd. Kate: McGee! McGee: Yeah? Kate: You have two seconds to tell me what you're doing down there. McGee: I'm, ah, upgrading the computer network and, ah... Kate: Time's up! (starts pulling him up by his ears) McGee: Ah, ah, I wasn't looking, I swear, ow, ow, I wasn't looking, ow... Gibbs: (walks in and stops in his tracks) Tony. Tony: Yeah? Gibbs: Did I just see what I thought I saw? Tony: Out of respect for my co-workers, boss, I'd have to say yes you did, and it's very disturbing. |
| Episode 2.2 "The Good Wives Club" |
| Gibbs: "What do you have Abby?" Abby: "What don't I have Gibbs? Clothing fibers, carpet fibers, dust, beetle parts, soiled bedding, there's even a pamphlet called "The Good Wives Guide" what's up with that?" Gibbs: "Ask McGee." Abby: "McGee?" Gibbs: "Ma-Gee" Abby: "Really?" |
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| Abby: Very Silence of the Lambs, don't cha think. Gibbs: This is going to be useful Abby why? Abby: Gibbs, I know you know that I need a good wind up before I deliver my knock out. Gibbs: Just hit me with it baby. Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress. Kate: Tony would look cute. Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents. Kate: Well, McGee then. Gibbs: No, he's with Tony. Kate: Abby. Gibbs: No, up to her tatts in forensic tests. Kate: Well, what about you? (Gibbs gives her a look) You won't have to wear the dress. |
| Tony: [at weird crime scene] This is really sick. Stephen King would love it. Tony: Question for you, Probie. Redbook? Why? McGee: Redbook was, and still is, the definitive magazine for today's young woman. Tony: Planning a sex change? McGee: No, I, since I've always been interested in women, I figured the best way to know about them... was to, you know, know about them. Tony: McGee, the best way to know about them... is to *know* them. Kate: Beatnik gone? Tony: Yeah. Kate: [snapping fingers] Cool! Tony: Do you know what bongos are? McGee: Yeah. Tony: Well a beatnick is playing them in my head. |
| Episode 2.3 "Vanished" |
| Ducky: "DNA doesn’t lie, Jethro. People do" |
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| Kate: "Most people tend to their personal hygiene at home." Tony: "This bothers you?" Kate: "No, what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore." Tony: "I'm an acquired taste." McGee: "Actually, it's more like the Stockholm Syndrome. The emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress and a need to cooperate for survival." |
| [after telling McGee about a movie which depict the parents as aliens] Tony: Whew! Scared of my parents for years after that. McGee: I'm sure the feeling was mutual. Kate: (Tony sent Kate flowers to apologize ) Tony, I'm blown away. They're gorgeous. And they're from Martha's Garden, my favorite florist! How'd you know? Tony: Lucky guess! Gibbs: [entering] He went through your purse and got the phone number off your P.D.A. [after Gibbs gets a suspect to confess by wispering something in his ear] Kate: What did Gibbs say to him? Tony: If I knew that I would be Gibbs. Kate: (watching Gibbs interrogate) What is Gibbs doing? Tony: T.B.I. Kate: Excuse me? Tony: Truth By Intimidation. Farmer: (about Gibbs) I guess his bark is worse than his bite, huh? McGee: The bite is actually much worse. |
| Episode 2.4 "Lt. Jane Doe" |
| Tony: (shows picture to bar owner) "She been in recently?" Bar Owner: "No, what'd she do?" Tony: "Got herself raped and killed." Bar Owner: "Such a sweet countenance." Tony- "Sweet countenance?" Bar Owner- "Yeah, that radiant look on her face." Tony- "She doesn't look radiant, she's dead." Bar Owner- "In that picture?" Tony- "Yeah, she's dead." Bar Owner- "She's dead?" Tony- "She's dead. Why do you think her eyes are closed?" Bar Owner- "I thought she was meditating." Tony- (makes a funny face) "OK....thanks" |
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| Abby: Someone strangled our Jane Doe, then inserted someone else's semen to frame them. Kate: (wincing/frowning) EEWWWWWW!!!! Kate: You were in the bathroom for 45 minutes! Tony: You clocked me? Kate: What could've made you take so long? (Catching herself, hand pointing to Tony) Don't answer that! Tony: Well I was-- Kate: (covers ears with hands) Ohhhh, No! I don't wanna hear it! Jimmy: Ducky went to Norfolk, I think he drove. Gibbs: Why? Jimmy: Why did he drive? Gibbs: No, why did he go to Norfolk!!! |
| Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie. Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her?!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her] Tony: It wasn't me! Ducky: (speaking to ashes of Jane Doe) Time for our relationship to change, my dear. It's time for you to go home. But... it's not the home you knew in this life, but I think you'll find peace here. And the way things turned out, so will I. Kate: [Ducky is talking to a body] You know, Ducky, someday one of them will talk back. McGee: If I said that to Gibbs, I would be seeing stars. Abby: Well that's the advantage of being me. Ducky: [after evidence links victim to a cold case] He's back, isn't he? Not again, Jethro. We can't let him escape again. Ducky: The language of silence may be hard to hear, Caitlin. But, unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie. Gibbs: Come here. Abs, you'll need Ducky's help. Abby: No I won't. Gibbs: (nods to Ducky's who is looking sadly at the pictures of the victims) Abs. Abby: Yes I will. Gibbs: [to McGee who's under Abby's computer] Special Agent Goodwrench? Abby: [laughs] McGee is rewiring my Hot Box. Tony: Do you believe in Karma Boss? Gibbs: I've had three wives, DiNozzo. |
| Episode 2.5 "The Bone Yard" |
| Kate: "Maybe we don’t need one. That is, if you’re ready to become a father" Tony: "I think she’s talking to you, Probie" Kate: "We go down to the lab and see if I’m carrying your baby. It’ll be fun" McGee: "Oh! And we can steal Little Rickey’s DNA test" Kate: "Photograph it for Abby" Tony: "I’ll do it" McGee: "Why you?" Tony: "Do you think anyone would believe you actually slept with Kate?" (Gibbs and Tony are in the boxing ring) Tony: Did you learn to box in the Marines? Gibbs: The Corps doesn't teach boxing. Tony: Your loss. (Gibbs takes Tony apart and leaves him flat on his back, winded and hurting) Gibbs: They teach fighting. Abby: I just identified your criminal and he's cute. McGee: He's dead! Abby: I know. Fornell: Did anyone ever tell you you're an insufferable bastard? Gibbs: Yeah. (Gibbs outside Fornell's prison cell, leaning in) Gibbs: Not much of a view. Fornell: Reminds me of your basement. Gibbs: It's not dark enough. |
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| Fornell: "Realizing how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs." Kate:" Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that." Tony: "You never met his second wife." |
| Ducky: He [Palmer] means well, but every now and then I get this overwhelming urge to slap him. Is that wrong? Gibbs: I do it all the time. Ducky: Yes I know, but always on the back of the head. Gibbs: A slap in the face is humiliating. A slap on the back of the head is a wake-up call. |
| FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-a**? Tony: Only to you boys from the Hoover building. Deluca: Are you deaf or nuts? Gibbs: Eh, a little of both. Deluca: (about Gibbs) Is there some secret to getting on his good side? Tony: Oh, there's no secret. Kate: He doesn't have one. Gibbs: Agent Charles, can you get me the Bureau file on Fornell? Charles: I haven't even seen it. (Gibbs looks at him) If I get caught, I'm finished as a federal agent. Gibbs: Don't get caught. Charles: You can't threaten to kill someone in custody, Gibbs. Gibbs: It wasn't a threat. Fornell: Realizing how sad this than sounds, but you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs. Gibbs: You dying or something? (Fornell gives him a look) Okay, not dying.This some part of a twelve step program? Fornell: Are you gonna help me or not? Gibbs: Thinking about it. Abby: Hear Kate kicked your butt this morning, McGee. McGee: Oh. You heard wrong. Wasn't my butt... Abby: So she kicked you in the...? McGee: I thought I was joining a Federal Agency, not reliving my junior year in high school. Abby: Just remember, they torture you because they care. McGee: So, if I make them dislike me...? Abby: It'll get worse. (Kate and Tony are undercover at a sperm bank) Kate: You writin' my name right? Tony: What! I just wanna know if it's mine. (to receptionist) She kinda sleeps around a lot if you know what I mean. Kate If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed. Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin. Kate: You slept with my sista! Tony: I thought it was you! Kate: She weighs 300 lbs. Tony: She was wearing your earrings!! Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him, please, I'm beggin' you. Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right. Kate: Thank you. (throws gum at Tony as she leaves) Tony: I'm sorry, she slept with my brother ... and my best friend ... at the same time. |
| Episode 2.6 "Terminal Leave" |
| Gibbs: "Abbs, look at the door panel. Dark and shiny. You can see a reflection." Abby: "A reflection of whoever planted the bomb. Gibbs! You're hired!" Ducky: (Talking to the poodle's body) "Ahh, when you walked into a room I bet you must have turned heads. Just back from the salon, with your hair all done up." Palmer: "French fried poodle." Kate: "Tony." Tony: "Yes, Kate dear." Kate: "There's only one bathroom downstairs." Tony: "And your point is?" Kate: "The seat stays down." Tony: "Unless it's up." |
| Kate: (mumbling) "....two! twenty two, fourteen, twenty two! yay!" (walks off with a smile) Tony: "Women Willie, can't live with them....can't think of a reason why you'd want to." Gibbs: What do you got for me Abbs." Abby: "You've got mail from the FBI. I think that agent has the hots for you. Gibbs: "I've seen better pictures of Sasquatch." Tony: Don't wonder when he'll not talk to you, which I know, he will. Willie: (goes down) McGee! McGee: Hey. (McGee and Willie look at each other, then go up. Tony looks confused.) |
| Willy: Have you shot anybody? Tony: Not this week. Abby: Machine making pretty pictures now. Tony: Hey, you know I remember how i felt when my dog died actually..... Willy: Bite me. (Tony growls) Kate: (from the shower) Tony! Out of here. Now! Tony: What? I'm just brushing my teeth. Oh, hey, don't use up the hot water 'cause you've been in there forever. Kate: Tony, how long have you been in here? Tony: Long enough to know you can't sing... and haven't shaved your legs in a week. Kate: Running out in the open? This is not a good idea. Tony: Well, she's stubborn, won't listen to reason and is definitely used to getting her own way. Kind of reminds me of someone. Kate: Yeah, like a female Gibbs. Tony: See, I was thinking you. Tony: Oh, sounds like we're goin' to need the infrared scope on this one, McGee. McGee: The one that can see through walls at night? Tony: Better than pay-TV.And the best part? It's free. Kate: And that's the reason why, Tony. Tony: Why what, Kate? Kate: You'll never get my home address. Willy: (hits Tony in the head with a ball) Goal! (Tony moves toward him) Hey, touch me, it's child abuse. Tony: (growls and walks away) I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare. Gibbs: He reminds me of you. Kate: I don't trust her. Gibbs: Good. You're learning. Palmer: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset. Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets? Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building. Reyes: Don't worry, okay? After that, the FBI will pick up protection. Gibbs: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. Kate: I've run presidential protection details, Reyes. You don't assign two undercover units without coordination. Gibbs: She's not interested in protection, Kate. Kate: You wanted them to try again. Gibbs: The FBI thinks the assassination team after the commander is part of a much larger operation. Kate: And we're the bait to draw them out. Reyes: Our Intel indicates that they were planning something catastrophic. We were hoping by observing this team that they would lead us to the rest of the network. Kate: And if the commander and her family just happen to die in the process? Wow. And I thought Fornell was a b******. Gibbs: My people are protecting that family. If they have to, they will die doing it. If that happens... ask Fornell what I'd do. Gibbs: I'll get their names. Reyes: Oh? How? You going to force feed him your coffee? Gibbs: You see, DiNozzo was wrong about you. You do have a sense of humor. Don't miss the six O'clock news, Agent Reyes. Reyes: What the h*** have you done? Gibbs: Nothing yet. But isn't our FBI using an American family as terrorist bait news? Reyes: You'll blow our entire operation. Gibbs: Sure. But I'll also get Moore in my chat room. Reyes: Look, even an agent as arrogant as you are has to know that what you're threatening is a career ender. Gibbs: Only if he doesn't talk. If he does it's a career maker. (on the phone) Suzanne McRoberts, please. Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. (to Rayes) You've seen Suzanne on TV. She's cute, blonde, does the anchor on the news. (Rayes ends his call) That had better mean we have a deal or you're going to lose a finger. Gibbs: It was your people that were lucky today, Agent Reyes. Reyes: Oh, yeah? How do you figure that? Gibbs: Because my people shoot to kill. |
| Episode 2.7 "Call of Silence" |
| Henry:"Gibbs." Gibbs:"Hey, Morning Henry." Henry: "That sushi place you sent me to," Gibbs: "What, you didn't like it?" Henry: "I liked it fine. Only, you didn't tell me I had to speak Japaneses to order." Gibbs: "You don't order, you eat what you're served with a smile. Just like being married." |
| Gibbs: "Yost!" Ernie: "Yo!" Gibbs: Let a Gunny buy you dinner Yost: You weren't an officer? Gibbs: Hell No! Yost: I knew there was something about you I liked. |
| Yost: You conned me, Gunny. Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you? Yost: You're d*** right you would. And I want to thank you for it. Yost: (to Yoshida) And you were never on Iwo Jima. Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.Guadalcanal. Kate: Coleman is going to use this to put Yost away for the rest of his life. Tony: Do we have to tell her? Gibbs: (sarcastically) No. Here at NCIS we just report the evidence we like. |
| Episode 2.8 "Heart Break" |
| Tony: I saw that movie! Ducky: The silent version, or the British mini series? Tony: They were talking. |
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| Abby: Barbecue boy was murdered. McGee: Matches. Abby: Light my fire McGee! Abby: When he's finished slicing and dicing, we'll bang heads. Gibbs: Don't cause any sparks. Tony: Too bad you didn't get to bed at a sensible hour. I mean, to sleep, cause obviously, you were in bed. Kate: I get it, Tony. |
| Kate Is that Dorin’s surgeon with Ducky? Gibbs: Ducky’s older Kate he’s not dead. |
| Abby: You’re the man Ducky. Why cant I find someone like you? Ducky: Well if this doesn’t work out, I am available. |
| Abby: (pretending to be the corpse) No don’t put me back in the dark. Palmer: Abby you made me almost… Abby: Made you almost what… J-i-m-m-y. |
| Gibbs: (to Dr. Byers) Doctor Mallard is a man of few words |
| Tony: (as Gibbs arrives) Looks like you and I were the only ones flying solo last night, McGee. McGee: Speak for yourself. Palmer: (after Ducky talks to his patient) Does it help you to - talk to them? Ducky: Well, they're still human. But what we do is so invasive, and impersonal. It helps me to establish a relationship. Gibbs: You a law student? Spenser: Second year Georgetown. Gibbs: I'm going to give you a lesson tonight in *practical* law. I'm going to ask for Hayes's room key. *Politely.* And you're going to hand it over. Spenser: Key? Hotels haven't used keys in years Kate: If he has to wake a judge, nobody is going to be happy. Spenser: [hands them the key, Gibbs and Kate leave] Okay, but announce yourself first. That's in compliance with the recent Supreme Court decision. Tony: You don't really expect me to take advice about women from you, do you? McGee: Well, I could stay here and argue the point, but I have a date. Tony: Was he having trouble with anyone aboard the ship? Paula: Safety officers are generally disliked. They have the authority to stick their nose in anyone's department; no one can say a word. Tony: That sounds like Gibbs. So Commander Dornan made enemies. Paula: Made an art of it. Tony: Definitely sounds like Gibbs. |
| Episode 2.9 "Forced Entry" |
| Gibbs: Hey Kate, your brothers are really like that? Kate: Sadly, yes. Gibbs: Huh, explains a lot. McGee: Well, there's about a 150 gigabytes of data on several hard drives. Gibbs: Only a 150? (Gibbs pat McGee on the shoulder) Gibbs: Hell, that shouldn't take much time at all. McGee: He has no idea what a gigabyte is, does he Abby? Abby: I don't think he knows what a hard drive is McGee. |
| Kate: The only thing running in your blood, Tony, is cholesterol. And possibly Chlamydia. Tony: It’s curable. Gibbs: Well, considering I’ve seen better pictures of a UFO, you tell me, McGee. |
| Kate: This house is sorta how I always pictured Tony’s place. Gibbs: Yeah except DiNozzo has better furniture. Kate: He does have experience with cybersex. Gibbs: Yeah? That true DiNozzo? Tony: I think what Kate meant to say was that I met a very nice girl online once. Gibbs: Yeah. What was her name? Tony: Names aren’t that important. Hotjugs24. But I think she meant it as a metaphor. Kate: Now why would somebody hide a camcorder in a vent? Tony: You’re kidding right? Oh, ya know when this is over we really need to talk Kate. You’re scaring me. |
| (McGee is drinking coffee that Tony gave him without mentioning that it belongs to Gibbs) Gibbs: Enjoying that coffee, McGee? McGee: Uh, yeah! Gibbs: It's not too hot? McGee: (pause) It's your coffee. I'm, uh... Sorry, Boss. I'll get you another one. (to Tony and Kate) Thanks. Kate: Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule Twenty-Three. Tony: Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do? Hegarty: You never mess with a Marine's coffee, if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo. Tony: (laughs) That's right. (as McGee leaves) Dead man walking! Tony: Yep, it's amazing what you can do with computers these days, Kate. McGee: Sure is, Tony. Hey, I've, uh, got a little somethin' you might be interested in. Tony: Who's this supposed to be? McGee: I tracked down your cyber babe for you. Hot Jugs 24. [McGee shows picture of big, bald, tattooed dude in undershirt. Kate laughs] Gibbs: Yeah, she's a real keeper, DiNozzo. Kate: I wonder if he wears a sports bra. Abby: [about a suspect] This guy is cleaner than cleaner, whiter than white. If you put him in a line up with snow, snow is going to jail. Abby: You think he did it? Gibbs: Kind of depends on your definition of it. Abby: Spoken like a true politician Gibbs! Tony: So, you wanna drag her in here and accuse her of attempted murder McGee. McGee: No, I didn't say that. Tony: No let's do it, it's not like she hasn't been through enough crap already. McGee: Well, you would know, you're the master at giving it. Tony: Watch your lip, Probie. Kate: Hey! Tony: ....Your quivering lip. Kate: Hey! Hey! I swear the two of you are worse than my brothers, and they're practically psychotic. |
| Episode 2.10 "Chained" |
| Gibbs: Do I seem like the kind of guy who would drive a squishy little car?! Tony: You missed your calling, Boss. Could've been a chiropractor. Gibbs: You got him? Abby: Are you honestly asking me that? Gibbs: No Abbs. I called to flirt. Tony: This is not a river, Jeffrey. You know what this is? It's a stream. And you can't drown in a stream, okay? You can get wet, and you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown! Jeffery: I think I have a concussion. Tony: You didn't hit your head on anything. Jeffery: The sticker says that air bags can be fatal. Tony: For children! |
| Biker: A shih tzu named Kate. Gibbs: What's a shih tzu? Kate: It's a little, annoying dog. Did they describe it? Biker: Yeah, they said it had long brown hair....kinda mangy. Kate: I'm gonna shoot him. |
| Deputy Sec. Of State: You’re telling me to… McGee: Stick it. (pause as deputy looks shocked) McGee: Thank you, Ms. Deputy Secretary of State, our conversation is now over. (cuts transmission) (MTAC agents applaud) Gibbs: I've never lost an agent undercover. I'm not going to let DiNozzo screw that up. Kate: EEEK! (over the monitor) Abby: What's wrong? Kate: Gibbs is driving. Abby: I'm saying a prayer in many languages. |
| McGee: The deputy Secretary of State of the United States? MTAC Man: No, Norway. McGee: How does he want me to fix it? Abby: You can't. You're doomed. Tony: We're criminals on the run and criminals don't stop for lotion! Tony (to Jeffrey): For the 300th and final time, shut your pie hole. Abby: He’s a regular Mack the Knife, Gibbs. Their throats were cut from behind. Tony: I really liked him. Gibbs (looks at dead bad guy (Jeffrey White), whom Tony has shot): Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. |
| McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State. Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work? McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director. Gibbs: McGee. Good job. Kate: Lets break the pattern. Gibbs: What pattern? Kate: Dishonest-scilence pattern.I'll start.I'm worried for Tony.There, I said it, I dropped my guard for two seconds, I got it out and now I'm......happy. Gibbs: That made you happy? Kate: Yes. Don't you wanna be happy, Gibbs? Gibbs: I am happy. Kate: You don't look happy. Gibbs: We're done with this. Kate: I thought we were. Tony: Kate! Oh, no... Motercycle Rider: Who's Kate? Tony: My dog, she must have jumped out. Kate! Kate! Come here, girl. Oh, man (feigns injury) Ah, ah... my leg... Jeffery: Can you move it? Motercycle Rider: Wait here, I'll get her. What does she look like? Tony: Aaaaaa... Shih Tzu. Motercycle Rider: A what? Tony: Long, brown, hair, kinda mangey. Secretary of State: (video-conference on MTAC plasma screen) Either I speak to Agent Gibbs and get a full accounting of this investigation, or I've been authorized to pull NCIS from the investigation and put it under the FBI's jurisdiction. McGee: You're getting in the way. Secretary of State: Excuse me, Agent McGee? McGee: We are working very hard. We have an undercover agent who is missing, he's risking his life and your constant interruptions are keeping me from doing my job. Secretary of State: You lost your prisoners! You lost your agent! McGee:That is not true. Secretary of State: That's what you told me. McGee: Look, the truth is that while Agent DiNozzo is lost, Jeffrey White is still with him. So Jeffrey White technically is with an NCIS agent, and therefore technically is still in custody. Secretary of State: Well, you've clearly been empowered to tell me off. McGee: Yes ma'am. Secretary of State And what exactly did Agent Gibbs... McGee: He told me to... tell you to ... stick it. Secretary of State: You're telling me... to... McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Ms Deputy Secretary of State, our conversation is now over. (indicates to cut link) (MTAC staff break into applause) Voice on radio: Transport three three four, we're hearin' a tractor trailer flipped over on 295. It's a parking lot. Federal Marshal Driver: Three three four, roger that, tell the judge we're gonna be a little while. We'll peel off at New Kent. I'll take King William to River Road. Federal Marshal: Nah, just stay on 17 the whole way. Federal Marshal Driver: Yeah, wait one. My *wife* is giving me directions. Gibbs: [on phone to Abby] Put McGee on. Abby: [to McGee] He wants you. McGee:: How'd he know I was here? Abby: Because he's Gibbs. MTAC Control Officer: Where's Gibbs? McGee: Who needs to know? MTAC Control Officer: I'm the new senior MTAC control officer. Where is he? McGee: Why, he is in the field. MTAC Control Officer: The Director's office called. In five minutes, the Deputy Secretary of State, Anna Elliot... McGee: Wha... wha... the Deputy Secretary... of the United States? MTAC Control Officer: No. Norway. Jeffrey: You look mad! Why are you mad? We survived. Tony: Surviving in two feet of water is not a heroic accomplishment! |
| Episode 2.11 "Black Water" |
| Tony: Hurry it up, Probie! McGee: You sure this is necessary? I kind of feel like a dork! Tony: You are a dork! |
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| McGee: I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of it. There’s no pictures in it. Tony: Did you say something, Probie? McGee: Yeah. I’m not a dork." Tony: Whatever you say, Sponge Bob. |
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| Jimmy: Did you ever meet any of special agent Gibbs' wives? Ducky: Actually, I presented him to the last one. Jimmy: What went wrong? Ducky: I don't know, she doesn't speak to me anymore. McGee (trying to open the door): Boss, it's locked. Gibbs: Well yeah, McGee, that's kind of the point of having doors. |
| Ducky: Do you suspect foul play? Gibbs: Oh, you know me, Duck... I suspect everything. Ducky: Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce. Gibbs: Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a b*****. McAllister: I'm sure you hear this a lot. I'm innocent, Agent Gibbs. Gibbs: I know. Cooper: [from observation] What the h*** kind of interrogation is that? Gibbs: [referring to Abby's loud music] Your speakers are broken. Abby: Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song. Gibbs: Correction. Your ears are broken. Abby" The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is as obvious as Anna Nicole's implants. Gibbs: Who? Abby: You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin... Gibbs: Stop. Abby: Right. Tony: Why don't we just drag McAllister in for questioning, boss? Gibbs: Because his lawyers make more in one hour than you make all week. Tony: Ah, that's an excellent point. So, you're saying that I deserve a raise. Tony: So because I grew up with money, that somehow makes me bad. Very deep. Kate: Well, it's better than having to work every day, like I had to. Tony: Listen, you think money makes life easier, huh? Everything was just a big old cakewalk for little Anthony DiNozzo? Tell me, Kate, 'cause I really want to know. Kate: I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean anything by it. Tony: 'Cause you want to know the answer to your question? Yes, money makes a huge difference, huge. I miss it every single day of my life, so much it makes me want to cry! Kate: You're pathetic. Tony: It's part of my charm. Tony: Ha-ha, you know what movie this reminds me of Kate? Kate: The Wizard of Oz? Abby: I'll get you my pretty. Tony: No, I meant the one they make you watch in high school, thirty minutes of cops pulling dead teenagers out of car wrecks. Abby: Oh my Gosh! I love those: Blood on the Highway, Drink, Drive, Die. I keep hoping they're going to release them on DVD. |
| Episode 2.12 "Doppelgänger" |
| McGee: Where are we going, Boss? Gibbs: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert’s shipmates. McGee: He’s not on a ship, Boss. Oh, sorry. You were using a military euphemism. Gibbs: You think? McGee: So you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center. Gibbs: You speak their language. McGee: You mean I’m going to interview them? Gibbs: I interview, you translate. Come on! Abby: No one gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs. |
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| (Gibbs is giving Karen Wilkerson a sanding lesson in his basement. Wilkerson would prefer to use power tools. Gibbs has her close her eyes and make another long pass with the sander.) Gibbs: Feel the wood?" (Wilkerson nods yes.) Gibbs: You don't get a sensation like that from a power tool (She thinks about that for a moment and then they both laugh.) |
| Monteleone: Oh no... wait a minute, wait a minute. No, no, no. I’ve never paid for it in my life. Kate: Uh huh. Monteleone: OK, I was fifteen and my cousin Ando paid Maggie O’Brien for the both of us, so that doesn’t count. Kate: Yes it does, Tony! Monteleone: I'm Primo. Kate: Sorry. I can’t tell you apart. Rapp: Shotgun! Monteleone (slapping Miller upside the head): Get in, Probie. Kate (watching from a distance): It's deja vu! |
| McGee: You just ruled out both suspects. Abby: No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park. (he calls Gibbs) (Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. He picks up the phone) Gibbs: Gibbs. McGee: Boss. I don't know if this is important, but-- Gibbs: McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life. Abby: That's the thing McGee, you're so trusting. McGee: And that's bad? Abby: No, that's good...in a relationship. In an investigation, not so much. (McGee frowns.) Abby: Aw, poor baby. (Abby kisses the back of his head, McGee grins) Rapp: Your ex-wife called. Cheney: Which one? Rapp: The nasty one. Cheney: You're going to have to be more specific. |
| Episode 2.13 "The Meat Puzzle" |
| Tony: I just got done playing furniture mover for this slightly demented old lady, and her pack of yappin hounds! Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger? Gibbs: Illya Kuryakin. McGee: Now all we have to do is scan 800,000 miles of satellite imagery and pray we get lucky. Abby: I am a scientist, McGee. Luck has nothing to do with it and/or us. McGee: Okay, then how do you explain something like Gibbs' gut? Abby: Well, that's easy: Gibbs is lucky. McGee: But... but you just said that... Abby: He's not a scientist. Gibbs: I want you to stick to him... Kate: Like glue... I've got it. Gibbs: Like an ex-wife after an alimony check. Abby: I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence. |
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| Tony: I'd show you the secret handshake, but then I would have to kill you. |
| Tony: Hahahaha! Sweet smell of freedom! Gibbs: Mrs. Mallard? Tony: Sleeping.Her usual afternoon fistful of afternoon Wild Turkey.Her last words to me where either 'I'm gonna slit your throat' or 'kiss your moat'.I couldn't tell because she was slurring. Gibbs: (smiling) That's good work, Tony. Tony:Thank you, boss.So who's taking over for me now? Gibbs: Kates on protection duty with Ducky. Tony: Yeah. Gibbs: McGees going with me to interveiw the guy who delivered the barrel. Tony: Yeah? Gibbs: (gives him a look) I guess that leaves you. Tony: Me? Boss, I just spent all day playing furniture mover for this slightly demented old lady and her pack of yapping hounds! Gibbs: They're not hounds, Dinozzo.They're Corgis. Tony: No boss! No boss! I'm on the verge, man! (McGee and Gibbs start getting in the car) Tony: McGee? Boss I'm gonna go postal! I'm not kidding, I'm this close! (puts thumb and finger less than an inch apart.) (Tony arrives at the Mallard household to watch over Ducky's mother) Mrs. Mallard: (peering out the partially-open door) Yes? Tony: I'm Anthony DiNozzo, Mrs. Mallard. I work with your son? He called... said I was coming over? Mrs. Mallard: (smiles) You're Italian! Tony: Heh, yes, I am. Mrs. Mallard: (opens the door) You're a gigolo! Tony: Uh, well, I wouldn't exactly... Mrs. Mallard: You move furniture! Tony: ...I could. Mrs. Mallard: I have a commode. It's too big for here... it belongs in the lounge. I tell Donald this, he never listens! Tony: I understand. Okay. (walks into the house) If you could show me where you want... (the corgis start growling as he enters, and Mrs. Mallard looks wary again, making him hesitate) Mrs. Mallard: (frowns) Who are you... Tony: Anthony DiNozzo. Everyone calls me Tony. Mrs. Mallard: That's an Italian name! Tony: Yes, it is... if you could just show me where you... Mrs. Mallard: You're a gigolo! Tony: ...... Mrs. Mallard: If you look down my blouse, I shall disembowel you. Tony: (chuckles) Heh uh... that's funny. Mrs. Mallard: I have a knife in my brassiere. Tony: ...I'll keep that in mind. Mrs. Mallard: (smiles) Good! (pauses) Who are you, again? Tony: ......... Jimmy: I'm thinking something crazy Abby. Abby: Crazy is good. |
| Episode 2.14 "Witness" |
| Gibbs: Any more food fights in here and I'm joining in. With peas. Kate: Frozen peas? Gibbs: Nope. In a can. |
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| Gibbs: McGee! If you're going to shoot him, you should have done it while he was still running. (Gibbs shuts off Abby's music) Abby: Hey! Gibbs: Geez! Abby: Don't mess with my music! (Kate just got off the phone and she is holding her jaw) McGee: You okay? Kate: Yeah... no... I hate going to the dentist. I've had a phobia since I was a child, and now I need a root canal. McGee: That doesn't sound like fun. Kate: Uh... I've canceled my appointment three times! (Kate is taking pills and Gibbs walks in) Gibbs: Root Canal? Kate: (nods) I have an appointment with the dentist in the morning. Gibbs: You gonna keep it this time? Gibbs: (Tony used an unorthodox way of getting evidence) You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results. |
| Gibbs: It's a convertible sofa. Slept on one once for seven months. Tony: That would be after the third wife. (Gibbs looks at him.) That would be none of my business. McGee: What do you got, Abs? Abby: (to Gibbs) Do I have to answer the newbie? Gibbs: Humor him. Kate: A dear John, by email? What a calculating witch. She gives all women a bad name. Tony: I'm never getting married, there's no up side to it. Kate: That's not true. Statistically, married men live longer. Tony: They don't actually live longer, it just seems longer. Kate: You're so cynical. Tony: Am I? Marriage was never intended to last more than a few years. Kate: And where did you get that? Tony: Anthropology 101. The concept was invented by cavemen with a life expectancy of 25 years. "Til death do us part" meant four or five years tops. Kate: (laughing) That was very enlightening Di'Nozzo, and I do understand now. You think like a neanderthal. Tony: (to McGee) Some advice? You can sit there and second guess what you should or shouldn't have done. And never get the answer. Or you can get back on the job and catch the b******. (Tony is catching peanuts in his mouth) Kate: You are so.... Tony: Coordinated? Kate: Adolescent. Tony: I prefer the term fun loving. (throws a peanut at Kate) Kate: Oh... Tony: Haha. Kate: (Throws a carrot stick at him) Tony: Oh...Hey!...Food fight! (They throw things at each other.) McGee: Guys. (no answer) Guys.Guys! (They stop and look at him) Please. I'm trying to write. Kate: Sorry, McGee. Tony: Need any help? McGee: No thank you. Just some quiet. Tony: No problema... Shhh....(loudly) Remember your first... Shhh. (Quieter) Remember your first report, Kate. Kate: Yes. Gibbs made me rewrite it, twice. Felt like I was in grammar school again. Are you gonna pick up those carrot sticks? Tony: I didn't throw any carrot sticks. Kate: Can't stand working in a pig sty. Tony: Oink, oink... He only made ya redo it twice? Kate: I forgot to spell check. Tony: Huh. Kate: How many times Tony? Tony: Can I catch a peanut in my mouth without missing? Kate: Ha. Did you have to redo your first report for Gibbs? Tony: A few. Kate: What's a few? Gibbs: (enters) Five. Woulda been more but I took pity on him. Kate: Ohh. Gibbs: (puts McGee's report on his desk) McGee. Good job. Send it up to the director. McGee: Will do boss. Gibbs: (as he's leaving) Any more food fights in here and I'm joining in. With peas. Kate: Frozen peas? Gibbs: Nope. In the can. (Kate and Tony walk over to McGee's desk) Tony: (reading) Dear Mr. and Mrs. Kendall... Kate: It's a sympathy note. Tony: That's nice McGee. Kate: It's very nice. (McGee smiles) |
| Episode 2.15 "Caught On Tape" |
| Tony: You're a Spike Steel fan aren't you, Probie? McGee: The porn star? Tony: (Sarcastically) No, the physicist. |
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| Tony: Nice hat. Kate: Attractive. McGee: In a weird way. Gibbs: Why? Abby: Somebody did a Barry Bonds on Sgt. Moore's head Gibbs Gibbs: What do you think? Kate: The word disgusting comes to mind. Gibbs: Do you smell that? Kate: If you mean the urine's, then YEH. Tony: Looks like we're gonna play Gibbs' favorite game. Abby: (enthusiastically) Musical Interrogation Rooms! |
| Kate: What is wrong with you people? Gibbs: (steps in) Good question, Kate. Runion: [Gibbs snuck up behind a hiding suspect] How, how'd ya.....? Gibbs: Sneak up on you like that? Runion: Yeah. Gibbs: Used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead, instead of under arrest... Any other questions? Runion Un-uh. McGee: People are staring at me. Tony: Of course. You're hideously disfigured Probie. If you had listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess. McGee: If I had listened to you, Gibbs would have fired me 6 months ago. (Tony raises hand, then stops) McGee: You were gonna smack me, but you stopped. Tony: I remember what it was like being the new guy. Never fitting in. Besides... there's the obvious.. McGee: You like me? Tony: No. It would be like touching a leper. Tony: I'm practicing, Kate. Kate: What, annoying me? Tony: No, the creepy way Gibbs used to sneak up on us. Kate: What do you mean used to? Tony: The old man's been wearing Bengay lately. I can smell him coming a mile away. Gibbs: (from behind Tony) Is that a fact, DiNozzo? Tony: (winces) Knee feeling better, boss? Gibbs: Much. (grins at Tony's discomfort) Abby: Gibbs, do you have a camcorder? Gibbs: Yeah. Digital, okay? Abby: Good, Gibbs, Way to go! D'you make the move to CD's yet? 'Cause if you didn't, it's cool. 'Cause all the hot DJs, they use vinyl these days anyway. Gibbs: Just get it to me. Abby: Hey, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs! (Gibbs turns and looks at her) Peace out man. |
| Episode 2.16 "Pop Life" |
| Willie: "She’s cute. Yeah, she’s hot. I don’t know about you but I sleep with a lot of women, so…" Tony: "I wouldn’t know anything about that, Willie. I’m a Mormon" Willie: "Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I think it could be this one right here. You know, I was really drunk, so…" Gibbs: "Sit down. You’re going to have to do better" Willie: "Look man, I’m doing the best I can, all right? All right. All right… yeah, I think it’s her" Tony: "Summer Diamond. Very hot" Gibbs: "You think this is her?!" Tony: "Look, there’s always something about every woman that you remember. Something small and subtle. Something you’re going to remember twenty years later; a piece of jewelry, a laugh, something. A smell…" Kate: "Uh! I feel like I died and woke up in a Calvin Klein ad" Willie: "I thought you were a Mormon?" Tony: "Concentrate, Willie!" |
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| Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking... Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story? Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have. Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that? Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face. Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another. Abby: That happens to girls too. |
| Abby: You know you didn't have to yell at him.Jimmy is terified of you now. McGee: He is? Cool. Tony: Maybe she has a funky side. We all have a funky side. Except Kate. (Kate elbows him) And you boss. You don't have a funky side, I'm sure. Gibbs: Are you done? Tony: Almost. Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options. Tony: Done. |
| Episode 2.17 "An Eye For An Eye" |
| McGee: Hey, you know what this reminds me of? Pacci’s suspect that we were staking out last year. Kate: That’s right! The beautiful pre-op transsexual who seduced Tony. Tony: She didn’t seduce me. I was undercover. Kate: Yeah, well didn’t you stick your tongue down… Tony: I took one for the team, all right? Someone had to keep her occupied. McGee: Don’t you mean him? |
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| Kate: There was a time I would have killed for a pair of eyes like that. Tony: You think she was a blonde or a brunette? Kate: What difference does it make? Tony: I love brunettes. I’ll bet she was beautiful. Kate: Are you telling me that you’re attracted to a disembodied set of eyeballs? Tony: Weird, huh? Kate: More like disturbing. |
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| Tony: "Is this the local bridge club? Ah, it’s not the tropics, but at least it’s warm" Kate: "Actually, it is the tropics, Tony" Tony: "Really? " Kate: "The Tropic of Capricorn to be exact" Tony: "Huh. Tropics smell kind of funny to you, Kate?" |
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| Kate: I need a vacation! Colonel: I got your email Gibbs. I must say I was shocked. When did you learn to use a computer?! Tony: A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar. What's the punch line, Kate? Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl (girl shows up on the plasma screen) and Paraguay. Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie, make me laugh! McGee: (a bit thoughtful) Okay.. McGee: Yeah, the bartender doesn't believe it, so he asks the spook instructor, "What the hell is going on?". And the guy says, "What? A guy can't have a drink with his pupils?" Tony: I love brunettes. |
| Tony: Gibbs wants us to follow him. Kate: Why? Tony: Does it matter? Landlady: Now how does a fine man like that stay single? Kate: He didn't. He's been married three times. Kate: Wake up. Tony: I am awake. Kate: Could you turn on the heat up, please? My butt's freezing. Tony: Can't. Smoke from the tailpipe will give away our position. Kate: Great, can't feel my legs, here. Tony: We could do what the Eskimos do to keep warm. Kate: What's that? Tony: They press their bodies together. Of course the affect is grealy improved if they're naked. Kate: There isn't enough liquor on the planet to make that happen, Tony. Tony: I wasn't suggesting the naked part. But if you want to freeze, freeze. Abby: You're getting sneakier the older you get. Gibbs: Not to mention better looking. Ducky: Has head slapping been effective for you? Gibbs: Yeah, look at the way DiNozzo turned out. |
| Episode 2.18 "Bikini Wax" |
| Kate: "Gibbs would never walk in here and tells us how much he paid for his shirt." Tony: "That's because the prices have been pretty consistent at Sears since the late seventy's." Tony: "Hey, Boss have you had a chance to sign off on the missing persons report I gave you..." Gibbs: "No DiNozzo I haven't. Tried to get to it last night, but Sears was havin' a sale." Kate: "Give it five seconds." McGee: "Until what?" Kate: "Until he notices there's a..." Tony : "Bikini contest!" Palmer: "Something wrong Doctor?" Ducky; "Her head is in the toilet Mr. Palmer." Kate: (refering to a book the cover of which sports a, shall we say, rather large man) "Battling the Bulge by Jeff Drikson. Looks to me like Jeff is losing the battle." |
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| Tony: She was pregnant McGee. There's only one way that can happen... {about getting the petty officer's mail} Gibbs: How long will it take? Kate: 2...maybe 3 days tops. Gibbs: You got four. Kate: {excited} Four days? Gibbs: No, hours. Kate: That sounds about right... Suspect: Why am I here? Gibbs: Because killing people is illegal. (standing over body with her head in the toilet) Tony: That is one h*** of a Swirly. McGee: Swirly? Tony: You take a kid by the ankles dunk him in the toilet then flush. Usually reserved for dorks. Does it look familiar, Probie? McGee: I don't think so. Noogies sure, wedgies, occasional melvin but no. Gibbs: If you two don't start working I'll show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins. Tony: Thank you boss. |
| Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn’t jive. McGee: We must’ve lifted hundred of prints. You sure you ran them all? Abby: No, McGee. About midway through I got tired so I was just like “Screw it”. |
| Kate: Does that say "Sex Wax"? Abby: That it does. It comes in Cool, Warm and Tropical. McGee: How does it work? Tony: Don't worry about it, Probie. Pretty sure you still need a girl first. Gibbs: What the h*** is that? McGee: I believe it's an Escalade, boss. Gibbs: The wheels, McGee. McGee: Oh, the rims are called spinners. Gibbs: What's the point? McGee: It's a hip hop thing. Gibbs: The more I know the less I understand. Abby: Do you know how small a molecule is? McGee: I do. Abby: Shut up McGee! Tony: I really like this new Abby. |
| Episode 2.19 "Conspiracy Theory" |
| Tony: "A lot of overachievers and perfectionist lose it. My uncle ran a fortune five hundred company until they found him digging up holes in a golf course looking for Mole people." Gibbs: "Hey, make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my....my thing." McGee: "Goat rope?" Tony: "Marine term Probie." Kate: "It means half way between Fubar and Snafu." McGee: "Ok, what's a Fubar?" Kate and Tony: "You are" |
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| Gibbs: You told me Petty Officer Smith was like a daughter to you? Vetter: What's that got to do with this? Gibbs: Considering you're sleeping with her, a lot. Catherine: Are you a virgin? McGee: No. Catherine: Are you sure? Abby: It's complicated. Gibbs: You don't know do you? Abby: Not a clue. Gibbs: Why? (Looks at blow up doll dressed in Abby's clothes) Abby: Well I was bored and I thought she needed a little personality. (Tony walks in and sees Fornell sitting at Gibbs' desk) Tony: I thought you were dead Fornell." Fornell: I got better. Tony: Does Gibbs know you're sitting at his desk? Fornell: Just checking my email.Don't think he'll mind. Tony: (to McGee) How long as he been here? McGee: Since I got in. (Kate comes in and joins them.) Kate: (about Fornell) Isn't he supposed to be dead? Tony: He got better. Kate: Does Gibbs know he's setting at his desk. Tony: No. Kate: Oh, this is gonna be--- Tony: Great! (Gibbs walks in and walks over to his desk) Gibbs: Comfortable, Fornell? Fornell: Not really, there's no lower back support. And you really should get a password for you computer. Gibbs: (shows him his gun) That's what this is for. |
| Abby: Correct as always my silver-haired fox - I mean Gibbs, sir, boss. (Gibbs and Fornell are about to interrogate a suspect) McGee: So what's the plan, good cop/bad cop? Kate: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee. McGee: Which one's which? Kate: I think you'll have to ask their ex-wives that one. Witten: I have a degree in Clinical Psychology. Do you have any expertise in the area, Agent Gibbs? Gibbs: No. No I do not... just a BS meter. Gibbs: What are you doing here Tobias? Fornell: Can't an old friend just stop by? Gibbs: Well you are old, I'll give you that. Gibbs: You oughta try building a boat with hand tools after a couple shots of Jack. Tony: (doing sit ups) 13...15...17...19... Kate: Did you lose something down there, DiNozzo? Tony: 99...100... Just doing my morning exercise. Kate: Right. So how old's this one? Tony: Why does it always have to be about a woman Kate? Kate: Uh...cause we're talking about you. McGee: Got your favorite here. Bacon, sausage, cheese, breakfast burrito. Tony: (Sniffs). I'll pass. Too much fat. McGee: Must be really young. Abby: Oh, she is. Tony: I don't think they need to know about this Abs. Abby: She's um....5' 10", blonde hair, long legs, and gianormous headlights. Tony: (looks at her) The last part was really necessary? Abby: That's what you called them. Tony: She didn't look like she was faking to me. Kate: Something tells me you say that a lot- Tony: Kate, when they pour cold water over your chest, doesn't that make you sorta... (shakes a little) Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo! You do that again, I will put my boot so far up your a**...! Kate: There's no way he did it. Look at his reaction. Tony: Maybe he's just a good actor. Kate: Nobody's that good. Tony: (reaches inside jacket) I've been thinking Kate....about the photo. I'm sorry. I mean, you know I'd never give it out, right?! In fact, I'm going to delete it right now. Kate: Really? Tony: Uh-huh. Kate: Thank you Tony. That would be a huge relief. (Tony flashes it as he puts it back in his pocket) Kate: What are you doing? Tony: Acting, Kate. It's not that hard. |
| Episode 2.20 "Red Cell" |
| Abby: "You may be smart, but my geek carries a gun!" Tony: "George Clooney could not get laid in this place!"(refering to McGee's apartment) Kate: "The place needs a lot of work McGee." Tony: "At least you're not building a boat in your basement." Kate: "I hate to say it but that was actually smart, Tony" Gibbs:" What was, Kate?" Kate: "Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker" Gibbs:" It’s his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?" |
| Kate:The resentment of The Coalition Alliance Team for Peace, Gibbs. Tony: CAT-P (pronounced 'cat pee'). Not a very attractive acronym. |
| Kate: "God, you’re pathetic. Gotta move on, DiNozzo. They’re over" Tony: "What’s over?" Kate: "Your glory years. They’ve passed you by. It’s time you retired the beer bong" Tony: "Ouch, Kate. Ouch" Gibbs: Tell Abby I want her. Abby: Oh, Gibbs, I never knew! |
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| Tony: There's definitely something wrong with this guy. McGee: Why? Tony: Listens to folk music Kate: (to McGee after she and Tony invade his apartment) We thought we'd observe you in your natural environment. Tony: Kinda like watching National Geographic. (narrating) We watch slowly as we observe McGee by the watering hole, followed by hyenas. (When Tony and Kate first get into McGee's apartment) Tony: Told you he was a boxers guy. Kate: Man McGee. I thought for sure you were a tighty whitey Man. Tony: Hi ladies! (pause) God, I miss college. Kate: (after saying she knew someone smarter then McGee) I was talking about Abby, do-do head. |
| Gibbs: You find my hacker yet? Tony: McGee's upstairs working on it. Gibbs: I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that hacker! (walks out the room) Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer? Palmer: He sounded pretty upset. Tony: No. (smiles) He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally. Kate: Some how I don't remember college being quite like this. Tony: Reminds me of time at Ohio State, we had this frat guy who... Gibbs: [bloody and out of breath from a fight] The next person who mentions the Spring Break, or a frat party, or College... is fired! Are we clear? Tony/Kate:Yes. Suspect: Ow! You're hurting me! McGee: You hear something Tony? Tony: No. McGee: Me neither. Gibbs: (Ducky was going to demonstrate breaking someone's neck on Palmer) I'll do it, Duck. Tony: This oughta be fun. Gibbs: On you. Tony: Is that really necessary? Gibbs: It'll be fun. (After McGee and Abby have a slight argument and have stuck their tongues out at each other) Gibbs: Oh, so glad to see you two don't need adult supervision. Gunny: Sometimes I feel like a kindergarten teacher. Gibbs: Oh yeah. I'm familiar with the sentiment. |
| Episode 2.21 "Hometown Hero" |
| Kate: "Tony’s car was towed. Poor baby had to take the bus to work" Tony: "You know what kind of people take the bus?" McGee: "Yeah, I take the bus" Tony: "Exactly!" |
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| Tony: "Gibbs is a boat man. He doesn’t understand I have to have my car" McGee: "They’re giving you a rental. DiNozzo, what’s the big deal? " Tony:" It’s not the same, busboy. My car is part of my being" Kate: "It’s a car, Tony" Tony:" It’s a classic, Kate. It’s a Ninety Z.R. One Corvette. It’s powerful, it’s fast, it’s gorgeous" Kate: (sarcastically) "In other words, it’s you" Tony:" Exactly!" |
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| Tony: "Do you realize Mother Teresa would have road rage hell out there?" McGee:" I know it’s a long shot" Tony: "A long shot is you getting laid by Penelope Cruz, McGee!" |
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| Tony: "They Came to Cordura" McGee: "What?" Tony: It’s a film" McGee: Of course" Tony: "Gary Cooper!" McGee: "Who? " Tony: "One of the greatest actors of all time. Coop. High Noon. They Came to Cordura was one of his last pictures. Stay with me here. It’s nineteen sixteen. The war against Pancho Villa. Coop plays an Army Major escorting Rita Hayworth – ooh, what a body – and four Medal of Honor winners back to Texas for this ceremony. And along the way, he tries to determine what made them heroes" (doors slide open) Tony: In the end, he exposes them for what they really are… corrupt, pathetic, hypocritical, cowardly degenerates" McGee: "DiNozzo, it’s a movie" Tony: "It’s a film. And you’re taking the stairs, McGee" McGee: "Why?" Tony: "Because I am not riding in an elevator with anyone who doesn’t know who Gary Cooper was!" |
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| Palmer: "Sorry about your weekend." Abby: "Tony?" Palmer: "Yeah, mass email. The sender was "anonymous" but it was pretty obvious..." Abby: "There's a certain MIT grad that's suppose to be fixing it but he's actually making it worse." Gibbs: "Sooner than later, McGee. " Abby and Palmer are in Abby's lab discussing a massage siminar that Palmer attended. Palmer says something that triggers Abby to ask if he knows 'the art' of a certain massage. When he says yes: Abby: "Your hands my body now." (Palmer massages Abby's shoulders, Tony walks in) Palmer: "It wasn’t like that." Tony: "It never is. Now go, you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here!" (McGee is describing his first car) McGee: "84 Camaro. 8 24Z high speed." Tony: "That’s a smoking hot car!" McGee: "Yeah." Tony: "What the hell went wrong with you?" Tony: "Massages?" Abby: "Many kinds." Tony: "Uh. Full body?" Abby: "Places you could only dream of, DiNozzo." Tony: "Masseuses or masseur?" Abby: "I go both ways. You?" Tony: "Only with (reading caller ID) Harris, my insurance agent." Abby: "Whatever works, man." |
| Gibbs walks away while Ducky is explaining about pelvis bone growth Palmer: Doctor Ducky continues to talk. Palmer tries to indicate that Gibbs left Ducky: What is so urgent Palmer? Palmer: Its just that he…he Ducky: He? Who? Palmer: Special Agent Gibbs Ducky: What about him? Palmer: He left doctor Ducky: Yes, I know he left. He left some time ago. Have you only just realized that. Palmer: No Ducky: Then why mention him now? |
| Gibbs: They're holding Petty Officer Dobbs' body for you at the Dover morgue. Ducky: I don't get it, I thought he died in combat. Gibbs: I need you to take a look, Ducky. Ducky: What do you expect me to find? Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time. Ducky: Oh, Jethro, I can spend forever finding nothing. Coleman: Dobbs died as a result of enemy fire in Iraq. What bearing does that have on a girl who was killed two years ago in Richfield, Virginia? Gibbs: You can never be too thorough. Coleman: You're pushing it, Gibbs. Why are you sticking your neck out for this guy? Gibbs: Several marines witness Petty Officer Dobbs, saving lives. No one witnessed him taking one! McGee: I was trying to figure out the wipers. Took my eyes off the road for a second, looked up. There it was. Right in front of me. Tony: Car? McGee: Bus. (Tony gasps) McGee: I got a student pass the day I got out of traction. Tony: (hugs McGee) I didn't know. Palmer: (watching Abby try to work the kinks out of her neck) You know the inefficient flow of chi is a major source of stiffness. (Abby looks at him, interested) Oh, a silent auction item at my niece's school benefit. A weekend seminar in the art of shiatsu. Abby: Do me. Palmer: Uh, no, I showed up late. Abby: Your hands, my body now. (Palmer massages Abby, Tony walks in and slaps him upside the head) Tony: What the hell are you doing, Palmer? Palmer: I, I, I... Tony: You've read the agency policy on sexual harassment, didn't you, Palmer? Palmer: It wasn't like that! Tony: It never is. Now go, you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here! Abby: He's doing it again, McGee. McGee: Mm-hmm. Tony: Doing what? Abby: You become Gibbs when he's not around. Tony: I do not. McGee: Actually, you do. Abby: The Caf-Pow, the head-slaps, turning my music off. "What do you got, Abbs?" McGee: He has been in a foul mood all day. Abby: That's another Gibbs trait. You don't quite have the stare down yet. Abby: Do you think he's gonna want us to hang around? McGee: I don't know. I can't imagine there's anything that can't wait 'til tomorrow. Abby: Go ask him. McGee: You ask him. Abby: You're the Special Agent. McGee: No, he likes you more. Abby: That's because I don't ask him stupid questions. Rock paper scissors? McGee: On three. Abby: One.. two.. Gibbs: Something on your mind? Abby/McGee: No. Gibbs: You weren't thinking about leaving, were ya? Abby: No. McGee: Absolutely not, no. Gibbs: DiNozzo, same clothes you wore yesterday? Tony: I buy a lot of same things, it makes mornings less stressful. (into the phone) Yeah I'm here! Gibbs: (hanging up the phone) Now you're gone. Abby: First of all, you owe me big time. It took Kate and me six months to get the reservations to that spa. Gibbs: You tell me you found something, and I'll think about making it up to you. Abby: Typical man. Promise you everything until he gets what he wants. Right, McGee? McGee: Well, actually I.. Abby: Thanks, McGee. |
| Episode 2.22 "SWAK" |
| Tony: "Hey Kate, did you tell Brad about that wet t-shirt contest you won?" Kate: "Did you tell Nurse Emma about the transsexual you tongued?" Tony: (To 'Nurse Emma')"That never happened."(Cough..Cough) That never happenend." (Kate looks at Dr. Brad) Tony: "Kate's never been sake bombing." McGee: "Yeah, I don't think I have either" Tony: (addressing the world at large, in wonder) "I work with a pair of wankers." (Gibbs walks up behind him) Gibbs: "And you make three, DiNozzo." (Gibbs asks Kate what is wrong with her and she says she has a cold) Tony: "I have allergies" Gibbs: "Never had allergies. Never had a cold either." Kate: "You don't get colds?" Gibbs: "Nope. Never had the flu either." Kate: (whispers to DiNozzo) "Why do I believe him?" Tony: "If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?" McGee: "(I)Get colds all the time." Tony: " 'Course you do, Probie." |
| |
| (In the showers.) Tony: "Who would send me a letter with anthrax?" Kate: "Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl." Tony: "That's not funny, Kate." Kate: "Yeah, I know." Tony: "This is serious." Kate: "I know, Tony! I'm sorry." Tony: "At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!" McGee: "You know, it might not be anthrax." Tony: "I like the sound of that, Probie!" McGee: "It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera..." Tony: "Probie!" McGee: "...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder..." Tony: "Honeydust!" McGee: "Honeydust?" Tony: "Honeydust. I give it to girls." (Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.) Tony: "Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather." Kate: (Chuckles) "You don't use the whole chicken?" McGee: "I never heard of honeydust." Kate: "Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee." Gibbs: "It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey." (Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and looks at Gibbs')  Gibbs: "Got a box of honeydust last Christmas. No card." Tony: "Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their..." (Tony is cut off by Kate) Kate: "Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?" McGee: "Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies." Tony: "The diseases that you named, they-they have DNA?" McGee: "They do." Kate: "Oh, you should have let him squirm." Tony: "Haha! Then, it's no worries!" Gibbs: "Unless the post office screwed up again." Gibbs: "Kate, play it safe.Go with Tony." Kate:"That's safe?!!!" Gibbs: (Smacks Tony on the head) Tony: If I get Anthrax how would you feel? Gibbs: Not as bad as you DiNozzo. Kate: "I'm warning you DiNozzo. I do not feel well." Tony: "You need to relax. You need a foot massage." Kate: "I don't want you any where near my feet." Tony: "You have pretty feet." Kate: "I don't want you touching my feet." Dr. Brad Pitt: "My name is Dr. Brad Pitt. Yes that is my real name and we are not related. I wish we were though. I'd love to meet Angelina Jolie." (Kate giggles a little) (They all start walking down the hallway) Tony: "Of course if I had said that you would have…" (Kate elbows him in the stomach) Tony: "…elbowed me." Ducky: "Where do you think you're going?" Gibbs: "Find out who sent the letter." Ducky: "You cannot leave autopsy! It's negative-pressured so airborne pathogens can't contaminate the the building." Gibbs: "I've been scrubbed, sanitized for all I know, sterilized. I have an investigation to open." Ducky: "I have a possible contagion to contain. Until your blood test clears you, I cannot permit you to leave this room." McGee: "Wish I had my PDA." Gibbs: "Use Ducky's." Palmer: "Ah... Agent Gibbs, sir...Dr. Mallard doesn't have...." Gibbs: "Requisition replacement cell phones and weapons for my team. Go!" Palmer: "Pistols?" Gibbs: "Well, no, Palmer, crossbows, if you think they might work better." McGee: "Boss, I can't find Ducky's PDA." Gibbs: "McGee, it's a pad and a pencil." Abby: "You got to get a life, Gibbs." Gibbs: "Last thing I need is another wife." Abby: "Life. You got to get a life." Gibbs: "I thought these tests were fast." Abby: "It's not a pregnancy test." Gibbs:(holding Dr.Pandy at gunpoint) You didn't create this beast? Pandy: Yes, but only to develope a defence against it.Antibiotic-resitance diseases are potential terrorist weapons. Gibbs:A terrorist isn't killing my agent, you are! Pandy: I understand you're anger. Gibbs:No, you don't.But if you don't save him you will! McGee:(about Tony's test results) Positive? Well, is he gonna be okay? Gibbs: If he isn't, he answers to me! Gibbs: Tony, listen to me.....Are you listening? Tony: I'm...listening.....boss. Gibbs: You will not die.You got that? (Tony doesn't answers so Gibbs give hims a light head-slap) Gibbs: I said: You.Will not.Die. Tony: I gotcha, boss. Gibbs: (Puts Tony's cell in his hand) It's your new cell.I'd get the number changed.Woman keep calling for 'Spanky'. |
| Abby: You're so right Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party? McGee: Oh yeah- the low cut red dress with the built in plastic... Gibbs: (headslaps McGee) Abby: I saw that, Gibbs. Gibbs: Read, or you'll feel it! Abby: (under her breath) Not while you're down there. Gibbs: What?! Gibbs: Oh, yeah, that's good thinkin', Abs. Abby: (pretending not to hear): What? Gibbs: Good thinking, Abby! Abby: I don't know, Gibbs, I can't hear you it must be the--- Gibbs: Ah! (angrily signs something) Abby: Not nice, Gibbs, not nice. Tony: So, tell me Doc. What have I got? Dr. Pitt: Pneumonic plague. Tony: Plague? Plague.. Kate: (slightly angry) That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the dark ages. Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter. Kate: You opened it! Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like your lying... (he stops)) Kate: Yeah. That's right Travolta. I'm infected too. Tony: Oh Kate, I'm sorry. Kate: Well you're going to be sorry-ier. Tony: No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it. Gibbs: You serve the warrant, I'll shove my Sig in her face. Ducky: There was a time where every woman of breeding was taught caligraphy. My mother still tries but her hand shakes. So even I have trouble reading her missives. Gibbs: Can you read this missive Ducky? |
| Episode 2.23 "Twilight" |
| Tony: "Boss, you remember when I said I never felt better? .... I lied" Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the first? Gibbs: When you married my second wife. Fornell: You could have warned me. Gibbs: I did. Fornell: In my own defense, I thought he was exaggerating. He wasn’t. |
| (After Tony contracts Plague and recovers, he is out on sick leave. It is at this time that we find McGee and Kate in the bullpen. They are talking about what a jerk he is and the many reasons they have to dislike him, They stop trash-talking him abruptly.) McGee: Do you miss him as much as I do? Kate: More. McGee: I thought you said he was pig-headed. ('Pig-headed' is not the adjective used, but, I do not remember the correct adjective so, feel free to revise it.) Kate: That's part of his charm- he's like an X-rated Peter Pan. |
| Tony: "Me and Kate? Never happen." McGee: "Why not?" Tony: "She's too smart for that." Kate: If you're going to come with us, you're wearing a [bullet-proof] vest. Gibbs: I can live with that. Kate: That's kind of the point, Gibbs. Kate: "D***-it, Tony. I should just take you home and get you in bed." (Ducky and Tony look at her) "Okay, that didn't come out like I intended." Gibbs: "Tony..." Tony: "Yeah?" Gibbs: "Go lie down before you pass out." Tony: "I'm not going to pass out. I might cry a little, maybe feel sorry for myself, but DiNozzos do not pass out! I'm comin' Boss." Ari: "An Al Qaeda cell is planning an attack in Washington. I'm here to stop it." Gibbs: "Yeah? Where's the cell located?" Ari: "I don't know." Gibbs: "Where's the cell located?" Ari: "Wish I knew." Gibbs: "You're doing a hell of a job for a Mossad double agent." Ari: "How's Caitlin, by the way? I've thought of her often since my last visit." Gibbs: "Go near her, and I don't care what government agency's watching your back, I will kill you this time." Tony: "You're never going to believe who's back in town." Gibbs: "Ari." Tony: "Maybe you will. Fornell said that he's here to..." Gibbs: "Kill me. Yeah. I know. I just had coffee with him." Tony: "So... what happened?" Gibbs: "He tried to kill me." Morrow: "I will now hand you over to our federally certified protective custody expert, Agent Todd. I hear she used to protect the President. You should be flattered." (to Kate) "He's all yours." (to Gibbs) "I expect you to follow her orders to the letter, as if they were mine." Kate: "That last part? He meant it." (later) Kate:"In home, two teams, six-hour shifts. Alternating radio checks every ten minutes. Outside, I want a mobile foot patrol and two permanent observation posts." Tony: "Gibbs is not gonna like that." Kate: "Well, screw what he likes, Tony. I'm not going to let that psycho within five miles of Gibbs. McGee, I need full audio and video surveillance, inside and out. Everything tied back in MTAC." Tim: "You got it, Kate." Gibbs: "Go home. It's late." Kate: "Uh, Gibbs, I don't think we're gonna be going home." Gibbs: "I'm staying here. I do not need an army of agents staying up all night watching me build a boat." Kate/dreaming Ari killed Gibbs/: "Gibbs!" Tony: "You dream about Gibbs?" Kate: "What? No. God, no." Tony: "You just said his name." Kate: "No, I didn't." Tony: "Yes, you did." McGee: "What's going on?" Tony: "Kate dreamed about Gibbs." McGee: "Oh, what was it about?" Kate: "No, I didn't dream about Gibbs." Tony: "She screamed his name." McGee: "Really?" Abby: "Hey. I had a weird dream about Tony last night." Kate: "Ew! Not the one where you two are at the zoo and he..." Abby: "No, he's fully clothed in this one. But he had blood all over his face. I woke up crying, Kate. I never cry. Never ever ever." Fornell: [referring to Ari not being a double agent]: "Are you sure about this?" Gibbs: "As sure as when I told you she would clean out your bank account when she left." Gibbs: "Protection detail's over, Kate. Tony: "You did good." Gibbs: "For once, DiNozzo's right." Kate: "Wow...I thought I'd die before I ever heard a comp...." (Kate is shot through the head and killed) |
| Ari: (Right after putting a bullet through Kate's head [with a gun ironically nick-named "The Kate"]) "Sorry Caitlin." Gibbs: (Looking around for Kate's shooter) Ari. (Kate and McGee ignoring him) Tony: Maybe I did die. Gibbs: You feel that? Tony: What? (Gibbs headslaps him) Tony: Ow! Gibbs: You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo. McGee: Is it just me or did he take the whole Ari situation really well? Tony: That's cause he's looking forward to it. McGee: Looking forward to what? Tony: Finally getting to kill him. Gibbs: I'm taking him down! Fornell: Not this time. The FBI can handle it. Gibbs: The civilians in the coffee shop that he tried to blow up today, would disagree with you, Tobias. Fornell: Look if it was up to me. I'd put a bullet through his forhead! It's not. You're sitting this one out! Gibbs: You gonna try to stop me? Fornell: No. Not me, Jethro. McGee: You don't look so hot. Tony: Well, at least that's an improvement. McGee: Over what? Tony: According to Gibbs, I look like crap. Gibbs: (About Tony) How's he doing Ducky? Ducky: Stubborn, pigheaded, and unaware of his own limitations. Gibbs: Sounds about right. Ducky: Muscle soreness? Tony: Only when I move or breathe. Kate: Can't you do something Duck? Ducky: Yes, well. I'm doing it right now. Kate: What? Ducky: Praying. McGee: Wanna know what he said about you? Kate: Ok. McGee: He said you tried to sleep with him in Paraquay. Kate: I'm going to kill him. |
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