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NCIS Jokes and Riddles - NCIS

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Let's have your NCIS jokes and riddles - Please keep them clean!
This is an idea from Bellswebster
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JOKES/RIDDLES JOKES/RIDDLES
2009
*Disclaimer*
*Writers of these pages do not claim to be authors of all said materials or portions thereof, to the jokes, riddles, puns, rhymes, etc. on this site. The nature of said fan jokes are created for no other purpose, other than solely for enjoyment. On behalf of all writers.*
From Bells Webster.
Page 3.
**************************
Tim to Abby:
"Why do you like all this science-like stuff so much?"
Abby replies:
"Well 2 reasons Tim. One reason is that I get to wear these Clark Kent style glasses," she said, putting them on,"and the second reason is because it's phun:-)."

By BellsW.

BEST WISHES.

Mrs. Mallard, Nell, Dorrie, and Dixie were having lunch at Nells house.
"What have you been doing lately, Victoria?" Nell asked.
"Oh, I've been speaking to a lawyer, and I have planned my last will and made a few final requests," she replied.
"Oh, that's interesting. What did you tell him," asked Dorrie.
"Well, I said my preference was to be cremated and that my ashes be spread between hole 1 and hole18," replied Victoria.
"At the golf course!" exclaimed Dixie.
"Well, at least I'll be sure that Donald will visit me twice a week," she laughed.

By BellsW.
******************************
Tim to Abby:
"I came here to congratulate you Abby. I hear you just made gunpowder!"
Abby to Tim:
"Yes Tim. I'm so excited! You know, it just came to me in a flash!"
******************************
Why did Ziva take a grenade launcher to the annual NCIS Christmas party?
Because Gibbs asked her she had to blow up the balloons.

*****************************
Agent Scarecrow4 was given an NCIS award today for being outstanding in his field.
******************************
By BellsW.

BAD McGEE.

Tim was helping Abby put away evidence bags and doing a general clean-up in the lab after Abby had solved yet another case. Tim picked up a glass jar and glanced over towards Abby. He sniffed it and was about to dip his tongue for a taste when Abby caught him.
"No! Bad McGee! You can't drink that!" she cried.
"I was only going to taste it Abbs. What is it anyway? Surely a little bit on the tongue won't hurt?" replied McGee.
"McGee! You should never ever drink or eat things when you don't know what they are! That's plutonium in there! Drink that and you get a stomach ache!"
"Oh!" replied McGee.

BellsW.

DANCING THE LIGHT FANTASTIC.


Jimmy Palmer was doing an after autopsy check for Dr. Mallard, before placing the body in the casket. Jimmy had heard of this 80 year old marine who use to be a big part of the annual marines Christmas performances. He was a personal friend of Ducky's, and he wanted to be the one to do his autopsy. He had died while practising a routine for the upcoming Christmas party. He was a great loss and had written a number of Christmas ditties, but was best known for the song "The Hokey Dokey." He was a rather large man and Jimmy was having a few problems with his body and the casket. Dr. Mallard arrived back at the morgue and went to see how things were going.
"Why isn't Major Dancelight ready?" asked Ducky.
"Well, I put his right leg in,and then I tried to move him all about, and then the left leg fell out and....well...things went down hill from there!" Jimmy replied.

BellsW. *thanks also to Wills and Webbo*

SINGLED OUT.

NCIS received a report that USA Marines had, earlier that day, swooped on an American - Iraqi school, and detained one of the teachers. Gibbs and the team were asked to investigate. On arrival, all they found the teacher had was a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a calculator, an exercise pad and an eraser.
"W e can't lay charges on this person!" shouted Gibbs at the Marine in charge.
"But Sir! This is clear and overwhelming evidence that this Iraqian possess weapons of math instruction.
*Glare from Gibbs* *Headslap*

By BellsW. *thanks also to Wills and Webbo*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FIGURE IT OUT.

Things were a little quite at NCIS so Tony had been spending time doing a jigsaw puzzle.
"I'm impressed with you Tony!" said Ziva.
Tony looked up at Ziva and grinned sheepishly at her and said:
"Yeah, Zev -va! What for this time?"
"You have managed to finish that 250 piece jigsaw puzzle in 3 days. It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
*Tim smirks at Ziva.*

By BellsW.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************
COFFEE (NOUN) ...a person who is coughed upon.

By BellsW.

DESIGNATED TARGET.

After the terrible loss of Kate, NCIS had a new position for another agent. Director Jenny Sheppard already knew of a person who was Mossad trained and she recommended her for the job. She introduced Ziva David to Gibbs, Tony and Tim.
"How do we know she can follow orders and use her own initiative?" asked Gibbs.
"Well, I can work under pressure even if I am cornered like a mouse in a house," replied Ziva.
"Err..it's rat in trap Miss David," replied Tony.
"There too!" said Ziva confidently.
"Well, I have one more test for you to try and see if you pass. If you do, you are in!" said Jenny.
"Yes mam'. I am ready and I can do anything!" replies Ziva.
"Inside the interrogation room you will find a wanted man. He killed our agent Kate Todd and he has taken shots at Abby Scuito, our lab technician and at Gibbs. To prove you can be trusted, and that you can be relied on, you must go in there and kill him," says Jenny.
Ziva took the gun and went into the interrogation room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They then heard screaming, breaking, bustling and slamming into the walls. The team waiting outside cringed with every blow. Then they heard:
"Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch," over and over again.
Finally there was silence. A minute later, Ziva came out.
She wiped her face of sweat and flicked back her tousseled hair and she looked triumphantly at the people staring at her.
"Jenny you didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him and then prick him to death with a paper clip!"

By BellsW.

IDENTITY CRISIS.

The two waitresses stared hard at the handsome man sitting at table 10.
"He's a real silver haired fox isn't he Susie?" said Gloria.
"Yes, you are right, he sure is! I'm going over to ask him where he's from," said Susie.
"Excuse me Sir. I am wondering 'weather' or not I have seen you before?" she asked.
"You may have seen me in the movies just recently. As a matter of fact, I was just in one," he replied.
"Oh, it's possible then. "Where do you normally sit?"

By BellsW. *thanks also to Fred*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOT AND COLD.

Ziva went into the kitchen department in a big shopping complex. She hadn't been in America long and she was amazed at all the different items that were available.
"What's this?" she asks the assistant.
"That's a Thermos flask," he replied.
"What's it for?" asked Ziva.
"It's for keeping things hot and cold," he answered.
Ziva was impressed, so she bought one. She took it to work the next day and put it on her desk.
"Look Tony, I have brought in a Thermos flask!" she said proudly, "and I understand how it works. I know what to do."
"Do?" replied Tony.
"Yes, it keeps things hot and cold. So today I brought in two cups of coffee and a couple of chocolate ices."

By BellsW.

BURY YOUR DEAD.

It was National United Armed Forces month, and many personal had arrived from all over the world for new training techniques. A small company of them were on an exercise when they were ambushed by some assailants in a tunnel. Gibbs and the team were notified and they arrived at the scene with Ducky and Palmer. Ducky and Palmer checked out the deceased, and Ducky informed Gibbs of their deaths.
"Well, they have all died from multiple world-wide bullet wounds," said Ducky.
"World wide bullets Ducky?' asked Gibbs.
"It's globalization Jethro! That's what it is! Every country now as well as everything else, has their own brand of bullets, different colours too!" said Ducky.
"Globalization? How do you figure that Ducky?" asked Gibbs.
"Well Jethro, we had English men with an American Commander, who all died in a French designed tunnel, who
all died travelling in a German tank, which has a Dutch engine. It was driven by a Bulgarian man who was also drunk! on Scotch whisky. They were followed closely by Italian soldiers on Japanese motorcycles.
(Without taking a breath, Ducky continued on)
"Following this crash, the survivors are treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
And the information was sent to you by a South African using Bill Gates technology, which is believed stolen from the Chinese!"
"Yup Ducky...."began Gibbs.
"And there's more! " continued on Ducky, this time turning to Palmer," you know Mr. Palmer, when I was in Afghanistan, a bullet was just a bullet...still dead either way......."

By BellsW.

SEALED WITH A KISS.


Kate and Tony were having lunch.
"Just a plain lunch of yogurt and an apple Kate," said Tony, tucking in to his 3rd piece of pizza.
"Yes, I quite like the simple things in life," replied Kate.
"Yeah?" replied Tony, starting his 4th piece of pizza.
"That's why I like you," Kate laughed.
Tony's face beamed brightly. Kate giggled.
Suddenly Tonys' face dropped.
Kate smirked.

By BellsW.

KNOCKOUT.

Tim and Abby were with Ducky in the morgue. Tim was fixing a power-board when he was suddenly thrown to the ground. Ducky and Abby rushed to his side.
"Tim!" cried Abby.
"It's all right Abigail, he'll be fine," said Ducky
"And you are lucky to survive an electrical shock Timothy," added Ducky.
Tim looked up dazed. He glanced around and muttered softly,
"That's good. Thanks for ringing the operator and having them reverse the charge."
Abby looked worrying at Ducky.
"It's ok Abigail, just give him a few minutes......

By BellsW.

MARK HARMON SAYS:

"I never turn down an acting job. It's better to get a small role than to have a long loaf."

By BellsW.

MRS MALLARD SAYS:

My age is a millinery secret. I just keep it under my hat.

By BellsW.

HUGS AND KISSES.

A kiss may be just a kiss, a sigh might be just a sigh, but just remember this:
Abby knows how to completely dissolve the bodies of her enemies.

By BellsW.

What do you get when you cross Trent Kort with a Spice girl?
A waste of spice. (space)

Trent Kort was so angry he was beside himself - and you're never seen a more repulsive couple!

By BellsW.
NEW BOOK:

McGee's new bestseller under a new secret name:
"Cats in the Bed" by Claud Bottom.
(clawed Bottom?)

By Iozzo979

KNOCK ! KNOCK !

"Who's there?"
Mark Harmon
"Mark Harmon who?"
Harmony times do I have to tell you!
(how many)

BellsW.
***************************

ZIVA David:

She's got a license to kill, but who the hell gave her a license to drive?

By Iozzo979

KNOCK ! KNOCK !

"Who's there?"
Jethro Gibbs.
"Jethro Gibbs who?"
Jethro DiNozzo out for eating pizza?
(Did ya' throw)

By BellsW.
************************
RIDDLE ME:

What does Abby have a 10.00 a.m. everyday?
A coffin break.

By BellsW.

MIND OVER MATTER.

Gibbs and Trent Kort were having an argument.
Gibbs to Kort:

"The next time you give someone a piece of your mind, make dam sure you leave enough of it left over for yourself!"

BellsW.

MARINE DOWN.

The NCIS team pulled up at the scene of the accident. 5 marines lay sprawled across the road. 4 had died. The only surviving marine lay nearby to the other overturned vehicle. Ziva could hear moaning and she was the first there.She knelt down and checked how the marine was doing. Her attention then turned to the overturned van. Loud moaning was coming from inside. Ziva checked the driver.
Ziva said to him:
"Sir, are you o.k.?"
But there was no answer, only loud moaning.
"Sir, are you in a lot of pain?" asked Ziva.
But there was still no reply, only louder moaning.
"How is he?" called Ducky, who had just arrived at the scene with Jimmy Palmer.
"Yes, he has a pulse," called Ziva loudly.
The downed marine started to wither in pain and he called out loudly for help.
Ducky spoke briefly to him and then went towards the van. Ziva checked the van and found a small cow, in obvious pain. It again moaned and groaned in pain. Just as the marine looked up, Ziva took out her gun. Suddenly, a loud shot rang out.
"I had to do it Ducky...there was no choice, too much pain." said Ziva.
"Well, I am sure you made the right choice, my dear," replied Ducky.
The marine lay stunned, but withering in pain on the ground. Ziva then went over to him. She towered over him, her hands upon her hips. She looked down at him and said:
"And you, Sir, how are you, and how much pain are you in?"
she asked.
"Eeerrr..."

By BellsW.
******************************
OF MARK HARMON:

Silver - grey hair and wrinkles add to his character.
By BellsW.
__________________________________________

DELIVERANCE.

Mrs. Mallard, Dorrie, Dixie and Nell were in church. The Pastor was finishing up the service, so the 4 ladies, who were from the fellowship committee, stood up to go and put out the refreshments in the dinning room for the usual gathering of the congregation. They had brought with them, a bottle of sherry to mix in the punch. Seeing them get up, Pastor Paul singled them out for praise.
"Before these lovely ladies leave our church and put out our supper, I wish to add to my sermon, on the evilness of alcohol," he said.
He knowingly glared at the 4 of them, and nodded his insistence for them to sit down. Smiling sweetly at the gazing congregation, the four friends slunk back into their seats. Pastor Paul then, after clearing his throat, continued on with his a temperance sermon.
"Alcohol is EVIL," he exclaimed! "If I could collect all the wine, beer, bourbon and whisky and sherries in the world, I'd tip it all into the river!" he yelled, waving his fist in the air.
Pastor Paul, having felt he had gotten the message across, then made a request of the congregation for a final song.
Mrs. Mallard quickly stood up, and raised her arm to get his attention.
"For our closing song, lets all sing Hymn no. 365, "Shall we all gather at the River?"

By BellsW.

SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST in MEXICO.


Gibbs, Mike Franks and a Mexican F.B.I. contact agent are wandering in the desert. Their horses had perished and they were now wandering aimlessly towards Franks home. All 3 men were totally exhausted and badly dehydrated. Suddenly, the F.B.I. agent falls to his knees and points to a cluster of cacti ahead of them.
"Hey, Gibbs, Franks, do zee smell eet? Est smell like bacon!" he cried, "Bacon! Est sure of it!"
Gibbs and Franks look at one another in despair.
"Poor man, he has started to hallucinate!" said Franks.
Gibbs and Franks pulled the agent over into the shade of a rock.
"He was one of our best Mexican contact men," said Franks.
The F.B.I. man turned over and pointed.
"Look, over zare! A cactus tree, hanging full of zee bacon bits, every type! he cried.
Gibbs patted the man on the shoulder. "There's cactus, but the bacon is only a mirage. We are in the Mexican dessert, somewhere south by southwest of Franks place," said Gibbs.
Mike Franks stands up and shades his eyes.
"Look Jethro!..a helicopter!" he said.
"We'll, have to run towards the cactus cluster and try to take cover," Gibbs replied, making a check of his sniper rifle.
They lifted up the F.B.I.man and headed towards the cactus trees. Suddenly, only 6 meters away, a machine gun opens fire and the F.B.I.man is mortally wounded. Gibbs takes careful aim and downs the helicopter. He and Franks then turn to their colleague and could see there was no hope for him. Franks cradled him in his arms. The F.B.I. agent, with his last bit of strength, grabs him by the shirt and says:
"I is so, so sorry, my friend, I wast wrong- est wast a ham-bush."

By BellsW.

FAMILY SECRET.

Vance and Gibbs arrive back from a scene at the nearby Naval base to find Tony in Vance's office.
"This call - I think it's for you Director. I think it may be your wife," said Tony.
"What do you mean, ya' think Dinozzo?" replied Gibbs.
"Well, Boss, the phone rang, I answered it and a female voice said, is that you, you old fool?" answered Tony.
*Gibbs smirks.*

By BellsW.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
NEVER SAY NEVER.

Whats the difference between Jethro Gibbs, Leon Vance and Trent Kort?
Gibbs couldn't tell a lie...
Vance couldn't tell the truth...
and Kort Trent doesn't know the difference.

By BellsW.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
REQUIEM.
Jethro Gibbs was seen coming out of church. The Priest was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake his congregations hands. He took Jethro by the arm and pulled him aside. The Priest said to him,
"After all these years, you have rejoined the "Army of the Lord."
Jethro replied, "I am always with the Army of the Lord."
The Priest questioned him:
"How come you had only been seen here on the anniversary, and at the Christmas and Easter services?"
Jethro whispered back,
"I'm in the secret service."

By BellsW.

AFTER THE PROMISE.


Mark Harmon from the T.V. show N.C.I.S. was on T.V. promoting a drive for charity Christmas toys for young children. A young boy of 5 years was listening and that night he prayed to the heavens for an angel to bring him a little orange wagon for Christmas. The following week, at a local church Christmas party for children, the little boy met Mark Harmon, and to his delight, he gave him a little orange wagon. As they were closing for the afternoon, the Priest of the church was saying his farewell thanks to Mark Harmon and all the volunteers. He looked over at the cradle and he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. The Priest and Mark went outside and happened to see the little boy with the orange wagon, and in his wagon he had the baby Jesus statue that was missing. Mark Harmon, being good with children, approached him. He squatted down beside him and said,
"Well, I am glad you like the orange wagon. And you have found a good use for it too, I see."
"Yes, thank you. You must know my angel," he replied.
"Where are you taking the baby?"asked Mark Harmon.
"Oh, I took him from the church. For over a week I prayed to heaven for a little orange wagon and I wished for an angel to bring me one for Christmas. And, he smiled, I promised heaven, if he would bring me a little orange wagon, I would take baby Jesus for a ride around the block in it." he beamed brightly.

By BellsW.

COVER UP.


During a meeting, Gibbs and Vance asked for ideas from the rest of the team, to suggest names for a very special project regarding a visit to take place very soon from an Arabian Navy/Army ship. They wanted a name that would cover up an operation with regards to an Arabian flight plane deal which was to take place next week. Vance and Gibbs came up with a few good suggestions, but decided to keep the name simple. Gibbs asked his team:
"Who knows what a phoenix is?"
McGee replied:
"Oh, Boss, I do! It's a bird in Harry Potter."
"McStupid"...muttered Tony.

By BellsW.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
CODE OF SILENCE.

Trent Kort was perplexed with a message he intercepted from a known Mossad traitor. He or the C.I.A. couldn't work it out so they sent the message to Tobias Fornell at the F.B.I. He or the F.B.I.couldn't work it out so they sent the message to Jethro Gibbs at N.C.I.S. and he suggested they turn the message upside down....
"And the shoe fits," he commented with a grin.
The message was:
s3ssvno773H

By BellsW.

DEAR JANE.

McGee ripped open the box that was just delivered to NCIS.
He was very excited, as it contained his childhood computer. He hummed as he set it up on the table beside his desk. Gibbs, Tony and Ziva watched him in amusement.
"McGee, you're humming," said Gibbs.
"Sure, Boss. The song is from the movie "The Sound of Music," the doe, a deer song," replied Tim.
Tony snickered in amusement.
"Now I know you have totally lost it Mr. Music," he laughed.
"Oh, I thought that was a nice song about all those reindeer," said Ziva.
"Well, no Ziva, that's "The Night Before Christmas," corrected Gibbs.
"How does it go McTune?" asked Tony.
"The melody is about the words to that song. But I have my own version that I used to teach myself how to use the computer, all that time ago," replied Tim.
He continued on:
"It goes to the tune of : "Doe A Deer"...like this:
Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start, when you're learning to sing its do, re, me, when you're learning to code, it's g.d.b."
"I see..g.d.b." repeated Ziva.
"The first 3 letters just happen to be - g.d.b." said Tim.
Tony nodded his head in amusement and said," g.d.b."
"G.....GNU! it's stallman's hope,
B............ a Break I set myself,
D........debug that rotten code,
RUN....a far, far way to go,
PRINT.....to see what you have done,
SET...a patch that follows print,
QUIT......and recompile your code.....
That will bring us back to G.B.D.," smiled Tim.
"Oh, and this is the code to do with that Jane Doe case - that poor lost little dear!? asked Ziva.
Er...no!" replied Gibbs.

By Bells W.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LAST WALTZ.



I watched a man on television in a suit and bow tie,
And he wore a fine felt hat, cocked over his right eye,
I watched him sing and whistle and dance a little step,
And I wished the men today would not be so unkempt.
I watched this man on television, as he wooed this pretty lass,
With smiles, winks and daffodils. She had diamonds made of glass.
I saw him tip his hat to her and offer her his arm,
And he led her to the dance floor with gentlemanly charm.
I watched this man on television smile with easy grace,
And wished that I could find a man with such an honest face.
But I knew that men from television was a dying breed,
And suits, bow ties and tall felt hats had all grown obsolete.
They waltzed slowly round the wooden floor,
she learned against his chest,
Ducky held her tenderly, this person he adored,
"Happy 80th birthday Mother, we wish you all the best
from everyone at NCIS,
and all your viewing guests.

By BellsW and MelindaCBS.
(also part Sophia W.)

LEAP OF FAITH.

The team went to a meeting at the Naval Base for a briefing on a special military operation found to be going on over in Africa. A retired Marine was called in to do the briefing as he had been on these types of missions before. He announced he was really an avowed atheist, and he was telling the gathering at the end of the meeting, that there was no God, and therefore saying your prayers and pledging any sort of allegiance was pointless. Everyone there stared flatly.
The room fell silent. You could of heard a pin drop.
"I can prove it," he said, " In 15 minutes. God, here I am! I'm still waiting!"
The count down got to within 2 minutes when Gibbs walked up to the old Marine and Gibbs-smacked him three times across the back of the head. The old Marine was absolutely stunned! Gibbs stared long and hard at the old man.
"What's the meaning of this! This is outrageous! What's the matter with you! Why did you do that?" he stammered loudly.
"God was busy! And so were the Marines - so he sent me!"
replied Gibbs.

By BellsW.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

WE'RE GUNNA.
Gibbs and the team were to meet with marines at the Naval Base where two marines were killed during a gun fight. A siege now endured. The team meet at MTAC in an interview room with a Marine Sergeant, and he gave the team instructions on the Marine rules and know how of the usage of their guns. Ziva sat cleaning hers with a pastry brush, Tony was spit and polishing his, and McGee proudly used his new handkerchief. Gibbs was...well..his gun was fine as you know...as always.
"Here are the rules for the U.S.M.C. gun fights," said the USMC Sergeant.
He continued on:
"No. 1 Bring a gun. Preferably 2. As anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Amo is cheap. Life is expensive.
No. 2. Have a plan. Have a back up plan, because the 1st plan won't work.
No.3 Use a gun that works every-time. Someday, someone may try to kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it should be empty.
No. 4 Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
No. 5 If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading and running.
No. 6 Always cheat = always wins. The only unfair gun fight is the one you loose.
No. 7 Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
No. 8 Never drop your guard. Watch their hands. Hands kill! (in God we trust) Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.
No. 9 Decide to be aggressive enough, quick enough.
No. 10 The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will be.
No. 11 Be polite. Be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
No. 12 Be courteous to everyone and friendly to no one.
Are there any questions?" concluded the Marine.
"Well, attack first and ask questions later. And if that doesn't work and they still annoy or ignore you, just kill them anyway," said Ziva.
"The bullets..Marine Sergeant?" inquired Gibbs.
"Er....bullets...yes..well.." began the Marine, "I'm sorry Gibbs..we forgot them!"
Headslap!

By BellsW.

ABBYCADABRA.

It was a celebratory mood for Abby at NCIS. She had worked her 'abbycadabra' magic and found answers to a scientific project when nobody else could. As she uncorked a bottle of champagne, the head man from the Science Centre asked everyone for quiet, as a very special phone call had just come in from the President of the United States.
"But that's impossible Sir...you know that...but...yes Sir,...yes... Sir, I will inform him," he said earnestly.
He addressed the team who were staring curiously at him.
"I have some news," he said, "The President said, now that NCIS has yet again proved itself to be the very best, and done the impossible, this time with Miss Scuto, by putting intelligence into a very special project , he expects Jethro Gibbs to put it into Congress." he announced.
Gibbs glared at the man.
"I don't believe in political jokes, I have seen too many get elected."

By BellsW.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
DAISY...DAISY...
Jethro and Ducky were having morning tea in Ducky's kitchen when Victoria Mallard and her friend Dorrie put down 2 cartons of pot plants on the kitchen table. They then proceeded to place them down along every windowsill on the sunniest side of the house.
Ducky grinned at Jethro and whispered:
"Look...death row."
"I heard that Donald!" came back the reply.

By BellsW.

MY LEFT FOOT.

Gibbs and Fornell were having coffee at a local coffee shop.
"You know Jethro. I thought when I first married Diane I was marrying Miss Right, and at one stage there I didn't speak to her for 8 days for fear of interrupting her. It was then when I did I found out her real first name was "Always."
"Yup!" replied Gibbs.

By BellsW.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

DOUBLE STANDARDS.



Tony arrived at NCIS with wet trousers.
"I tell you McGee, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I just so happened to look over to my left and there was this gorgeous chic in a red Mustang doing 70 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner,"
complained Tony.
McGee looked over at Tony and said,
"oh yeah, is that a fact,"
"After stopping a few minutes to get the coffees and slipping back into the traffic, there she was again halfway over into my lane. You know she scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver into the Boss's coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone," he whinged.

By BellsW.
(Basic Jokes site)

A WEAK LINK.


The team were in Mexico City and Ziva and Tony were guarding an arsenal that included ant-aircraft machine guns. Fornell from the The FBI arrived and arrested Tony DiNozzo for having in his own possession of weapons of mass destruction, after finding him with a box containing all classic DVD episodes of "Mission Impossible."

By BellsW.
(thanks B. B)

ZOOM...ZOOM...ZIVA..


How does Ziva drive?

One hand on the steering wheel, one on the non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap.
She believes using the turn signal is a sign of weakness.
She loves to drive, just for fun, down a hill directly at a tree and swerving at the last minute to one side. It's her way of relaxing and it keeps her mind sharp.

By BellsW.
Di DRIVES -SO.

How Tony drives:

One hand on can of sugar free lemonade, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on accelerator, half foot on brake, mind on game boy.

By BellsW.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

CAUGHT OUT.


The disappointment on Tony's face when Gibbs told him that the "Supreme" meant the nations Highest Court, and that it didn't come with sausage, peperoni, sour cream and tomato.

By BellsW.
RIDDLE ME ?

Q.) What's the difference between Ziva and a piranha?
A. Just the lipstick.

Q). What's the difference between Ziva and a pit bull?
A. Just the jewellery.

Q.) How many C.I.A. agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A.) 3 - One to do it, the partner to tell him HOW to do it, and their Boss to say how they SHOULD of done it.

Q). Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?
A) Because there are too many 'Targets.'

Q.) How do Iranians speak on the phone?
A.) Persian to Persian (person to person)

Iraqi Air Force Motto:
I came..I saw I Iran.

By BellsW.
"Those who think I'm dangerous with a knife haven't seen me with a spoon." - Probationary Agent Ziva David.

By Tuvok101.






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