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NCIS Jokes and Riddles
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Let's have your NCIS jokes and riddles - Please keep them clean!
This is an idea from Bellswebster
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Gibbs and Ducky were investigating a naval homicide in the kitchen of the deceased. Ducky leaned over the body and sees it is of a young woman. Her finds her body with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
"Ducky, what do you think happened?" asked Gibbs.
"Well, it looks all to obvious to me Jethro. A cereal killer got to her!"
| I do not claim to be the author of all said materials to jokes and riddles etc on this site. BellsW.|
What did Ducky say to Jimmy Palmer to tell the invisible man who was in the waiting room?
Well, Mr. Palmer, go back in there, and tell him I can't see him if he's not dead.
Why would Anthony Swofford be an excellent agent on NCIS?
Swofford was a Marine sniper in Desert Storm like Gibbs and an author like McGee. Swofford wrote "Jarhead"
Why didn't McGee cross the road?
Well, he didn't want to look like a chicken!
Gibbs had taken leave after an explosion accident. He had been away for 6 months and Abby was so upset at his absence, he and Franks decided to pay her and his team a visit. But on the way there Gibbs was involved in an accident. An ambulance was called and as it just so happened, Ducky was passing the scene. "Oh my goodness. It's...its..its.. yes, it is! It looks like Special Agent Jethro Gibbs from NCIS! May I check him. I'm Doctor Mallard." Ducky asks of the ambulance officer. "Yes, sure, go right ahead. You know he doesn't look like a Special Agent with that hippie style ragamuffin hair and a scruffy looking beard." he replied.
What did Ducky say to the local pharmacist?
"I'd like a chapstick thanks Phil. Oh and just put it on my bill?"
What did Jimmy Palmer say to Ducky after he arrived at the NCIS morgue extra early one morning?
Laughing he said, "I suppose you must have got up at the quack of dawn today, Dr. Mallard."
*Headslap* Jimmy Palmer grinned.
Vance to Gibbs and the team:
Do you all know why you are like paper cups?
Because you are all dispensable.
And Gibbs to Vance:
Why are you like a commercial?
Because one can't believe everything you say.
It was Halloween and Abby was having a party and she invited everyone at NCIS and told
them they had to wear a costume. Tony arrives at Abbys house painted green with a naked women on his back. "What the heck are you suppose to be DiNozzo? said Gibbs and Abby, when they opened the door. "I'm a snail!" grins Tony. "What a load of tripe!" snapped Gibbs,"How can you be a snail when all you have got on is this naked lady on your back!" "You have got it all wrong Boss," grinned Tony,
"That's Michelle." (my shell)
| Tony to McGee: What would an elf lord want to use the internet for?|
McGee to Tony: Because I want to check my gnomework.
What did McGee say to Gibbs about his computer having a cupcake inside it instead of a plug?
Well, Boss, its actually a current bun.
What reason did McGee give Gibbs when he asked him why he was looking so forlorn while sitting at his computer?
This keyboard doesn't work. I don't think its my type.
| Gibbs, Dinozzo, McGee and Ziva were going on a mission to get a deceased marines body out of the woods. Having had previous experience with bears, Gibbs decided to take a few supplies. Gibbs to Dinozzo: "Dinozzo, you are in charge of shovelling if we need to dig up the body. Make sure you have a spade." "Yes boss," DiNozzo replied. "McGee you are in charge of bringing the blankets and a body bag." said Gibbs. "Yes boss," replied McGee. Ziva was packing food in the kitchen. She knew if she didn't put in good food they would live on potato chips for 2 days. "Ziva! Don't forget about the supplies now," called Gibbs. "Oh,.... er... yes Gibbs!" Ziva said. The team set off and when they arrived Gibbs stayed at the Rangers Office to speak to Mr. Yogi, the bears Park Ranger. "Now I'll be there in about 1/2 an hour with Ducky. I want you to have the body ready for examination. You are in charge DiNozzo!" said Gibbs. About 1/2 an hour later, Gibbs turns up with Ducky. "Dinozzo, where's the body!" he demanded to know. He gave him a headslap. "I can't find Ziva!" he exclaimed. "Well, McGee, have you got a blanket and a bodybag ready!" Gibbs shouted at McGee. "Well, no boss. Like Tony said, we can't find Ziva," replied McGee. Gibbs gives McGee a headslap. "Have I got to do everything myself!" he yelled, "Ziva! Ziva! Where are you!" Gibbs storms off towards a group of tall trees to look for Ziva. Just then, Ziva jumps out from behind the trees and calls |
"SURPRISE! ! ! " (supplies)
| Tony: "Why did the chicken cross the road Ziva?"|
Ziva: "I don't know Tony, but give Gibbs 3 minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Gibbs to McGee: As a probie McGee, you'll be faced with some difficult issues! What would you do if you had to arrest Ziva David?"
McGee to Gibbs: "Call for back up!"
A policeman spots Mrs. Mallard driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window:
"No, a pair of socks for Donald," she replies.
What did DiNozzo say to his belly button?
"You're under a vest!"
Whats the difference between Ziva David and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Gibbs is waiting in the squadroom for his agents to get there, as they are all late. He is about to just go home when McGee runs in, panting.
"McGee, why are you late?" demands Gibbs.
"Well, boss," says McGee, "I had this date, but it ran a little late. I ran to the bus, but I missed it. I dashed to my car, but it broke down. I called a cab, but it ran out of gas. I borrowed a horse from a farm, but it dropped down dead, so I ran ten miles, and now I'm here."
Gibbs doesn't believe this story for a minute, but at least McGee showed up, so he just gives him a headslap and sends him about his business. Just then, Ziva and Tony run in, panting.
"And may I ask why you two are late?" asks Gibbs.
"Sir," says Ziva, "We had a date-"
"I KNEW IT!" shouts McGee.
"-but it ran a little late. We ran to the bus, but we missed it. We dashed to Tony's car, but it broke down. We called a cab, but it broke down. We borrowed a horse from a farm, but it dropped down dead, so we ran ten miles, and now we're here."
Gibbs is starting to think this is either some big conspiracy or a very badly performed joke. But he let McGee in for that exact same excuse, so he just headslaps them and lets them go. Just then, Abby runs in, panting the same as the other two.
Gibbs rolls his eyes. "And why are YOU late, Abby?"
"Well, Gibbs, I had a date, but it ran a little late. I ran to the bus, but missed it. I ran to my car-"
"Let me guess," says Gibbs. "It broke down."
"No," says Abby. "There were so many dead horses and broken-down cars in the road that it took me an hour to go around them!"
Transposed from a magazine by SMARTALIENQT
Gibbs: "Ducky I keep getting pains in my eye when I drink coffee."
Ducky: "Did you try removing the spoon first Jethro?"
Whats the difference between DiNozzo and government bonds?
Whats the difference between a lost secret agent and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Whats the difference between DiNozzo and a psychoanalyst?
When its time to go back to childhood, DiNozzo is already there.
What is the best way to get DiNozzo to do push ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you call a handcuffed Ziva?
Tony, stopping to visit Ducky to pick up a report for Gibbs, noticed Ducky always had a jar of peanuts on his desk in the lab. Tony does love peanuts!
As Ducky ducked in the back, Tony helped himself to some of those peanuts.
When Ducky got back, guilt was setting in and Tony felt he should come clean. Ducky, he said, I ate a hand full of your peanuts while your back was turned. Ducky smiled, Oh good lad, that's quite all right. At my age, and with my teeth, I simply suck all the chocolate off the M&M and leave the rest.
How does Gibbs' boat show affection?
It hugs the shore.
Ziva bumper car stickers:
Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition.
I work for the government-I'm here to help you.
A Police Officer pulls Ziva over on the highway.
"Have you got any I.D. miss?"
Ziva replied: "About what?"
Gibbs to McGee: " Why are you looking so worried McGee"?
"Well, Boss, I tried to fix my computer while I was having lunch and a piece of bacon fell into it and now all I can get is crackling."
Bumper car stickers for DiNozzo:
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I fight crime! I shoot back.
Interviewer to Mark Harmon:
"Why does it get hot after a baseball game?"
Mark: "Because all the fans leave."
| Gibbs came into NCIS headquarters and stopped at a spare desk with a computer on it. |
"Listen up everyone. Does anyone know if this computer has a brother?"
McGee stood up and said:
"No, boss, but it has got lots of trans-sisters."
Ziva to McGee:
"McGee, whats happened to your computer? It's half gone?"
"It looks like a virus got hungry and started eating the chips, 1 byte at a time!"
| Gibbs came back into NCIS after being away on a whale site seeing trip. McGee asked him how everything went. "Great, saw beautiful big whales pounding in and out of the water. It was a relief to be away from this office for awhile. No phone, no criminals, no stress, no computers, no problems, no emails....not even a sonic sounding email drifting through the ocean. |
"Oh, boss, whales can send emails, they use their little fish fingers." laughed McGee.
It may be that my sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Life is just a phase we all go through. You'll get over it.
No matter how bad things get, you go on living, even if it kills you.
Gibbs was heading home from the NCIS office when he came across two young probies sitting down by the canal. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. Gibbs headslapped them both and told them they were being complete idiots and they weren't ready to be agents. He rang Ducky when he arrived home to complain of their utter stupidity.
"What did you do about it Jethro" asked Ducky.
"Well, I did the only thing I could do Ducky, I charged one and let the other one off."
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Ducky to Jimmy Palmer.
"Did you know that acupuncture was invented by a camper who slept on porcupines in his sleeping bag?"
Gibbs and the team were on a naval ship. DiNozzo and McGee went below deck and made themselves at home in one of the quarters. While they waited for the others, they decided to read a magazine. They both nestled onto a cosy chair. The rest of the team arrived to find them with their feet on the table.
"DiNozzo! McGee! Do you put your feet on the table at home!" he yelled at them.
"Well, no boss, but we don't land planes on our roof either!" replied DiNozzo.
| Ziva to McGee:|
" Why are you hitting your computer?"
McGee to Ziva:
"Because every time I log onto The Seven Dwarfs game website, my computer goes Snow White."
Vance left a message on Gibbs' desk, but it was written in code:
YY U R YY UB I C U R YY 4 me.
(Two wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.)
Tony to McGee:
"I never see you over-react when we get into arguments. You know I admire you for that. How do you do it?"
McGee to Tony:
"Well, Tony, every day before I go home from our dressings rooms, I clean the toilet."
Tony replies laughing:
"What! How does cleaning the toilet help!"
"I use your tooth brush."
Abby to Gibbs:
"Why do you jog everyday? What is the point of exercising?"
"Well Abbs. It just means the advantage of daily exercise is that I can die healthier." replied Gibbs.
I don't jog at all," chimed in Franks,"it makes the ice jump out of my glass."
Mrs. Mallard and Ducky were sitting in church.
"Donald, I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" says Mrs. Mallard.
Ducky replies: "Well, Mother," he hissed softly,"You can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid!"
Vance to Criminal.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
*A Best Clean Funny Joke.*
Gibbs Work Rules.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Never, ever, ask for help, if you want it done right, do it yourself. Then get help.
Put work before everything else. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
By Bells W.
Gibbs and Ducky went on a camping trip. They fished together, and after a good meal and a bottle of bourbon, they lay down for the night. Some hours later, Gibbs awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Ducky, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Ducky replied, " I see millions and millions of stars!"
"What does that tell you?" asked Gibbs.
ASTRONOMICALLY, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. I observe that Saturn is in Leo. " Yes, but...."began Gibbs. Ducky continued: "HOROLOGICALLY, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past 3. THEOLOGICALLY, I can see the universe is all powered and that we are small and insignificant. "Yes, but..."Gibbs said again.. Ducky went on to say: "METEOROLOGICALLY, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Jethro?"
Gibbs was silent for a moment, then spoke:" It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Gibbs was talking to The Team during a coffee break.
"Years and years ago, when I was young, I worked at Summer School. One year I went to a sea scout camp at the beach. Porpoises use to swim there and they were very friendly. They would swim with the children right up to the shore. At dinner time, the chef used to announce dinner by yelling out,
"Dinner! For all those in tents...and porposes."
Gibbs and McGee meet at the elevator.
The door opened and they both stepped in.
*smirking* McGee to Gibbs:
"Bless you Boss. It seems you and the elevator are both coming down with something."
Gibbs was walking along the canal road when he stopped to talk to an FBI agent in a parked
car. Moments later, the parked car was struck by a CIA car whose driver was drunk. One of the CIA agents was thrown through the windshield and his partner was knocked down the embankment. The 1st agent was charged with breaking and entering and the 2nd with leaving the scene of an accident.
Vance had just moved into his new office when he heard a knock at the door. Conscious of his new position, he quickly ran a few sheets of paper through the shredder which he then placed on the desk. He picked up the phone and called for the personal man at the door to come in. Just as the man entered, he began to talk.
"Yes, Tobias, I'll be seeing Gibbs shortly, and I'll give him your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes. I'm sure to enjoy my time here at NCIS."
Vance hung up and the phone and smiled at the enlisted man.
"And what do you want?"
"Nothing important Sir," he replied, I'm just here to hook up the phone. Do you have the paper work?"
| Tony was driving along the road when a call came in from Gibbs. |
"There's a dead marine at the local fair. He's been found in the ice cream van. Will you meet Ducky there?" asks Gibbs.
"Sure, Boss," replied Di Nozzo.
Ducky arrives and checks over the body. He discovers the man has chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head, fairy floss wrapped around his neck, and his whole body is covered in hundred and thousand sprinkles.
Tony asks Ducky what he thinks happened to him, to which Ducky replies: Well, I think he has topped himself."
Thank you for your loyalty to NCIS.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and constipations should be directed to Vance.
Gibbs needed to speak to McGee urgently. McGee's cell was flat, so Gibbs rang his home phone number.
"McGee...began Gibbs ....click...click... a voice on the other end....
"Hello, this is me and you have probably rung 0554144776. I am not likely to be home, cause I'm hardly ever here, or I simply don't want to answer the phone. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'll try to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number and message and I'll probably call you back. So far the probability of that is 0.645. Have a nice day.
"McGEE!" shouted Gibbs....a moments silence..
" Er ...yes Boss? I'll be right there!" click.
A MESSAGE TO ALL AGENTS FROM VANCE.
Remember half the people below me are average.
If at first you don't succeed, I'll destroy all evidence that you find.
I will not listen to you until you make a mistake.
I intend to live for ever, so far so good.
Bathroom breaks will be limited to 3 minutes, after that time an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and your picture taken.
Each agent and employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
We will no longer accept a doctors statement. If you can get to the doctors, you can get to work.
If any employee is seen wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, it will be assumed you are doing well financially and not given a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better.
If you dress just right,therefore you do not need a raise.
If you are late for work you will be considered as hostile. If you are early, you have an anxiety complex. If you are on time, you will be considered as compulsive. If you don't turn up, you are fired.
After tea breaks, agents and staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drawing board.
Thank you for your co-operation.
I do not lay claim to be the sole author of all said joke.
Gibbs:" Now, don't forget Team, we are here in Baghdad, and this is an elderly persons venue. Be careful of your tone of voice and how you speak, and what you say."
McGee: "Well Boss, what IS the fastest way to break up a bingo game?"
Gibbs: "Just call out .. .. ...... B52!"
"Mrs. Mallard! This is the 2nd time this month I've seen you coming down the road!
I guessed you at 85 at least!" yelled the exasperated policeman.
Mrs. Mallard replied:
"You're wrong officer! It's my hat that makes me look that old!"
Tony to McGee:
"Ziva is looking gorgeous! Don't you think McGee? I think she dresses to kill!"
McGee to Tony:
I'm having Sunday roast with her this weekend. I hope she doesn't cook the same way!"
Vance was intending to make an inspection of the morgue. Jimmy Palmer wanted to make a good impression about the job he and Dr. Mallard were doing so he posted the following information.
CADAVERS BILL OF RIGHTS.
WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
A further investigation is sometimes required through scientific procedures to find out why a person is deceased. Surgery is often required of vital internal organs for the purpose of study. As is the contents of your stomach. Blood tests are quite often necessary to check out your system for ingested toxins which may have caused your demise. Often a cat scan or an x-ray is required. There may be a large Y shape on your body, so every care is taken for neatness and appearance.
It would be appreciated if the following rules are followed by the intending patient:
1. Please be sure to not take anything by mouth for 12 hours before this procedure.
2. Please be sure to sign the consent form for pain relief.
Abby took her chicken, Speckles into Ducky for his opinion, but when she arrived only Jimmy Palmer was there.
"Is Speckles dead?" sobbed Abby.
"Yes, I'm afraid he is Abby. I'm sorry," replied Jimmy.
"But, are you REALLY SURE Jimmy. Can you check again?" she cried.
Jimmy left the morgue to only return with a dog. The dog sniffed the chicken over and then sat down and raised his right paw.
"Yes, Abby, Rexie has just confirmed that the chicken is dead." replied Jimmy.
"But are you REALLY REALLY sure?" whined Abby.
Jimmy rolled his eyes as he lead the dog away. A moment later, he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed and pawed at the chicken. Then she hissed and slapped the chicken over the head. Its tail shot upwards.
"Yes, Abby, I'm sorry, but Speckles is definitely dead. After a lab report and a cat scan, you just have to accept it."
DiNozzo and McGee were strolling along the deck of the USS Seahawk. She was anchored for repairs. There were seagulls standing on the edge of the deck.
DiNozzo to McGee:
"You know Probie, I didn't think seagulls flew this far out to sea."
McGee grins and replies:
"Well, Tony, if they only flew around the bay, they'd be bagels!"
DiNozzo gave McGee a disdained look. Suddenly a great gust of wind swirled around them and DiNozzo was blown off deck into the water below.
Smirking, McGee peers gingerly over the side and calls out:
"Now don't you go telling any whales our secrets, you know they are blubber mouths!" he laughed.
"Probie, throw me a rope!" screamed back DiNozzo.
"While you are down there. See if the 1st underwater spy is home," laughed McGee.
"What! Who!" screamed back DiNozzo.
"You know him. He's one of your heroes," laughed McGee.
"You know, James Pond."
"How very drole McJokes. Get me a rope!" screamed DiNozzo.
"Going for help now Tony. But in the meantime, don't go playing any sharks games.....o.k.!" laughed McGee.
"Shark games!" shouted DiNozzo.
"Yes, you know.....swallow the leader," chuckled McGee.
"You're enjoying this, aren't you McKnock Knock!" cried DiNozzo, "get me a rope!'
"Sure, I'll get you some help now!' yelled McGee.
He turned around and called out:
" AGENT AFLOAT!"
Always yield to 'temptation', it mat not pass your way again.
Sorry. I don't date outside my species.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
Well, this was a total day of make-up.
Lead me not into 'temptation'. I can find it myself.
SIGN IN LOBBY.
Change is inevitable, except from this vending machine.
Vance to Agent Lee:
"What is a newsagent?"
Agent Lee to Vance:
"A spy hiding behind a newspaper.
CHALKBOARD ASSIGNMENTS: DINOZZO.
Write 100 times each of the following:
1. I must remember that super glue is for ever.
2. I must remember that a closed mouth gathers no feet.
Latest page update: made by #1hotchfan
, Jul 19 2010, 12:53 PM EDT
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|#1hotchfan||Keep it Clean...||0||Jan 27 2009, 9:37 AM EST by #1hotchfan|
Thread started: Jan 27 2009, 9:37 AM EST Watch
Just a reminder to all when adding to this page "NCIS Jokes & Riddles" to keep it clean. Some of these jokes have crossed the line and have offended other members. While I like a good joke and don't want to be a party pooper, we have to keep in mind we have nearly 3,000 members here of ALL ages and not everyone's sense of humor is the same.....
2 out of 4 found this valuable. Do you?
|Lucere||On Humor||3||Jan 16 2009, 12:29 PM EST by Lucere|
Thread started: Jan 15 2009, 4:11 PM EST Watch
I know now that I am funny; at least, on the inside and with my invisible metaphysical friends. I 've been thinking of how I can come out with it more, and this forum gives me practice. I don't want to disappoint any one close to me; maybe it is something in the milk. My dad when he was alive worked about 100 hours a week, truely. Do you know how important it was to be funny with him? No one was allowed to say to much at the table at dinner time even without him grumbling, "Too much foolishness". I wonder what he would think of me from heaven if he only knew how funny I am getting. At least, I think I am. I laugh alot to myself, especially when I act like a little girl, going out with Mommie. I love the gestures and the free talk of young people that seem to have their own logic, not socialized enough yet. I've been thinking of Spanky and my gang, and Hanzel and Grettal. Sweet innocent kids want to rid the world of evil, too. (Remember, a brave soldier never looks behind. That's what my aunt use to tell me. ) They sort of wait around, kinda sweetly hoping that those villains get pushed into the oven, and will do it themselves if the opportunity is there. Here's to the good life and the peace keepers!
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|snowballs||dating||0||Jan 14 2009, 11:50 AM EST by snowballs|
Thread started: Jan 14 2009, 11:50 AM EST Watch
hello,greetings to all of the nics,
are the guys an ladies on the show are they dating anyone for example
is McGee is he dating abby or are they just freinds ,? will tony ever be normal enough? to date
an women, an also respect her as a women instead of not thinking with head . evrytime he dates any women
he does not respect her @ all maybe he should date an women out of comfort zone ,. maybe ziva should teach some well manners that it would sink into his head too have respect eveyone exspeacilly women or
maybe gibbs should teach him manners i'll bet you he won't last a second with he'll drive gibbs crazy
an he'll give kp duties until the next the centry that's if he last @all
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